Winging It
by WitchyGirl99
Summary: Inuyasha was the first soul in history to break Heaven. So he goes to Hell. He meets a gum-smacking fortune teller, two psychotic real estate agents and...The One. Insert smirking and the odd death. Add some love. Blend until smooth. Serve hot. InuKag.
1. Of Heaven and Hell

_**Author's Note: **A story of utter crack to help kill my muse a bit from the angst of all my other works. Chapters are shorter, more like tiny ficlets. So if you don't like, don't read and don't bother me about the length. Dear lord._

_**Attention: **This lovely story is being co-authored by myself and the lovely **SuperGirl77**, who came up with the entire story and asked me to write it since she didn't want to. We're both a little crazy you see and she demanded I post this now._

**_Rated:_**_ M - for excessive language and possible (we're debating it) porn. But there's definite mentions _of_ porn. If that...helps?_

**_Disclaimer: _**_We__ do not own Inuyasha. We do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter One: Of Heaven and Hell<strong>

Heaven: beautiful forests, gorgeous towns, pure waterfalls and magnificent creativity. When a person dies they go to that special place – a place that they imagine up, make whatever they want. It can be a jungle filled with purring lions and singing monkeys. It can be a spa with sexy oil-slicked men and dazzling smiles. It can even been a dreary city with ugly vampires that sparkle in the sun.

No matter what your preference, Heaven would make it your world. All you had to do was die and have your soul measured on the Scale of Goodness. If your soul was pure, the scale would remain balanced. If your soul was tainted, it would fall.

That is until _he_ arrived, or more like _left_ since he died and well, left the World of the Living. When _his_ soul was weighed, the scale did a magical thing. Instead of remaining balanced or falling, the plate with the soul actually _rose_.

_Ooh_ went the angels, all so very curious.

_Ahh _went the demons, who wanted their fair share.

But it didn't matter because _he_ went to Heaven. _He_ stayed there for four seconds, World of the Living Time. In that time, he managed to break Heaven. Literally, it _broke_. For the first time in all of Holy Goodness, Heaven was (momentarily) destroyed. All he had to do was sneeze and then the skies of Heaven rained fireballs. No one was hurt because, well, everyone was already dead. But the message to the angels was clear: this man was not Heaven-worthy.

So on the eighth second, Inuyasha Taisho was sent to Hell.

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><p>The day Inuyasha died it was pissing rain, with a side of thunder and a shitload of lightning. He should have figured that when he was going die, it wasn't going to be in some epic hand-to-hand battle. It didn't matter that he'd been fighting all of his life, cleaning the streets from worthless pieces of shit and getting every last bag of illegal substance possible. It didn't matter that a gun had been pointed at his chest over fifty times – he'd been shot at thirty-two of those times, four of those actually pierced him somewhere. It didn't matter that he'd been stabbed twice. It didn't matter that he'd been beaten to hell so many times he'd lost count back when he was twenty. It didn't matter that he ended his days with alcohol or greasy food, because his salary wasn't the greatest and he'd be damned if he lived without the <em>good stuff<em>.

No. None of that mattered in the long run. You see, Inuyasha Taisho died in a tragic – yet amazingly funny – death. He slipped on a banana peel.

Yes, actually. The great Inuyasha slipped on a banana peel on a wet-from-the-rain floor and cracked his skull when he landed on said floor with such flailing force that he managed to bleed internally and short-circuit those little communication wires in his brain that told his body to breathe.

Inuyasha always knew that healthy food was going to kill him some day. He never thought of it in a literal sense, which at this moment in the afterlife, he terribly regrets.

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><p><em>Wake the fuck up passengers. The next stop is Hellfire 'D'. Get off and fuck off. Over and out, bitches.<em>

Inuyasha snapped his eyes open as he was suddenly being thrown into the air, arms flailing as they tried to reach for some stability. He quickly patted himself down, making sure there was nothing broken, nothing bleeding. The back of his head was the last thing he felt, kneading at the definitely-not-cracked skull and then running his hands through his long hair. He was in one piece.

_Thank god._

And then he saw where he was and started to hyperventilate. Inuyasha was in a bus – a disgusting bus filled with black-crusted spots, stuffing-ripped-out seats and a decapitated Barbie doll swinging in the middle.

"Where the hell am I?" he whispered, whipping his head around.

"Hell, you douche," a male voice answered, sounding far from impressed.

Turning his head, Inuyasha saw a man with long black hair and red eyes. His face was creamy pale, and his hair looked about as greasy as a slice of bacon. He was also wearing power blue eye shadow and was chewing – Inuyasha sniffed the air just to be sure – cherry bubble gum. "What?"

The guy rolled his eyes, letting out an exaggerated sigh. "You're in Hell. You know the big fiery pit of doom where all the brimstone and sulphur is at?"

Inuyasha blinked.

"Asshole," the guy muttered. He looked out the window and pouted.

_I'm in Hell_? Inuyasha thought to himself. _Why am I in Hell?_ He tried to remember. Desperately clinging to whatever memories he had, Inuyasha distinctly heard the sound of music. It was loud and pulsing – annoying, if he remembered correctly – and he was in a hurry to get somewhere. It was raining and he was in a bad mood... And then he slipped on a fucking banana peel.

Right, it probably would've been better if he hadn't remembered that.

_Wasn't there a scale of some sort?_ The harder he thought about it, the more it came to him. _Yes_, angels and demons had stood around him while his soul was being weighed. It floated in the air, making everyone whisper funny words that he couldn't understand. And then he had been carted away to Heaven – he had _definitely _been to Heaven.

Why the hell was he in Hell then? Was this some sort of sick nightmare?

_You fuckers didn't get off so I'll let you know now. We'll be landing at Hellfire 'E' in two minutes. It's the last stop so if you don't get off, you'll probably get tortured. And by probably, I mean definitely, fuckers._

The speakers threw him off and Inuyasha looked around again. He was still on a bus, apparently in Hell. Why was he in Hell?

Right, he sneezed and made the sky rain fireballs. Go fucking figure.

Inuyasha banged his forehead on the window repetitively, unable to stop himself. Why the hell was this happening to him? How could he die by banana peel and then get kicked out of Heaven? Wasn't death by banana bad enough? Couldn't they have spared him some dignity in the process, let him have a slice of Heaven where he could redeem himself?

It wasn't until then that Inuyasha really looked outside. Slowly turning, he looked at the guy behind him, the one that had spoken to him earlier. "Hey you, can I ask you a question?"

The man looked rather annoyed but nodded anyways, blowing a bubble and then snapping it in seconds.

Inuyasha cringed. "Why are we on a flying bus?"

"The fuck if I know," the guy responded, rolling his eyes again. "You're not too bright, huh? Did you just die?"

Still feeling like his world was spinning out of control – it more or less was – Inuyasha nodded tightly.

"Yeah, you look like fresh meat," the guy responded, waving dismissively. "Don't worry. Once you've been shot a couple times you'll lose that _freshly-dead_ glow. I'm Naraku by the way."

Inuyasha's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "Uh, my name is–" _Freshly-dead glow?_

Naraku was snapping his fingers in Inuyasha's face, dark eyebrows raised dramatically. "Bitch, don't be giving me no lies. I've been in Hell for fucking seventy years now, I know my shit. What's your name dog boy?"

"Inuyasha," he immediately answered, blinking. _Dog boy? Was that some sort of Hellish slang? _"So wait, let me get this straight: we're on a flying bus and–"

Suddenly the bus was crashing, banging around and nearly throwing him into the roof. Inuyasha yelled, grasping at foam stuffing that had previous been in the seat cover and was now a strange green colour. When everything went back to normal and the bus was still holding together, Inuyasha barely managed to control his panic.

_GET OFF THE FUCKING BUS!_ The speaker crackled loudly, ringing strangely in Inuyasha's ears. He frowned, wondering what he was going to do. He didn't even know where he was!

"Come on baby, follow me," Naraku said, standing up and slapping Inuyasha in the back of the head. "We've got places to be, people to mug and food to steal. Stick with me and you'll be fine."

Inuyasha merely followed him, not daring to think out loud about how he felt _very not safe_ around the power-blue-eye-shadow-wearing man. But then he thought about it; he had been a cop, a fighter. He could do this. He could make it through.

Ignoring the wicked grin from the guy Inuyasha could only assume was the one making the rude announcements on the flying bus speakers, he almost jumped five feet into the air when his ass got slapped. Inuyasha took three deep breaths to calm himself, in his mind chanting the same repetitive mantra: _you can survive this, you can survive anything_.

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><p><strong><em>I told you: CRACK.<em>**

**_Feedback would be oh so greatly appreciated! And no, this doesn't count as a "real" story, which I will be posting within the next couple of weeks._**


	2. Of Car Crashes and Crazies

_**Author's Note: **I really, truly apologize for how long the chapter of HTKM is taking me. I hope that this little update suffices a little. I'm honestly just so busy I have no time. I didn't even WRITE this chapter, it was written months ago and that's the only reason I'm able to post it. HTKM is also a long freakin' chapter, with a TON of editing needed, so I'm PRAYING to have it up this week. I'm trying for you guys *airhearts everywhere*_

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Two: Of Car Crashes and Crazies<strong>

Inuyasha was going to die. Again. In Hell.

If that was even possible.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

"Oh chill out," Naraku said, rolling his eyes. "I'm just stealing a car. Do you want to walk the rest of the way to my place? I think not."

"We're stealing a _car_?" Inuyasha hissed, eyes widening. "Holy shit man, _come on!_ You can't steal a car!"

Naraku looked at Inuyasha as if he were crazy, testing a rust-bucket of a car that had to be at least twenty years-old. The door was unlocked and Naraku smirked, sliding in the driver's seat. "Get in you fresh-faced loser. We're going to Casa de Naraku."

Inuyasha stood there, staring at the car that Naraku was currently hotwiring to start. _Sweet mother of lovin'_ this was actually happening. He was in Hell and stealing a car. With a man who was probably a lunatic. Dear lord, was this really happening to him? He had been a good person alive. He even recycled for fuck's sake. He was helpful and a good person, at least generally.

Didn't his floating soul prove that? WHY WAS HE HERE?

Oh yeah, the fireballs raining from the sky. The breaking of Heaven (momentarily). Riiiiiight.

"I can't do this," Inuyasha spat out before he could really think about it. "I mean, just no. I can't. I'm a good person and thank you for being nice and all but–"

"The fuck are you talking about?" Naraku asked, blowing a huge pink bubble and snapping it. "I just want to get home. You can stay here if you want but you'll probably be stabbed and/or shot in the next fifteen minutes. It is Hell so there's potential for bombs too."

Inuyasha blinked. "You're not lying, are you?"

At that, Naraku giggled and rolled his eyes. "Come on babycakes, hop in. I promise there's candy."

Trying desperately not to think about it, Inuyasha got into the passenger seat and ignored the fact that there was no key in the rusted bucket of a car. Instead, he turned to look at the man driving, studying him. He was pretty for a guy, a little greasy if honest. He was wearing blue eye shadow though, so maybe it was a look he was trying to achieve. Inuyasha never paid too much attention to fads so he wouldn't know.

"So," he started slowly, trying not to cringe. What could he even say?

"How'd you die?" Naraku asked, bluntly. He glanced over at Inuyasha before returning his dark eyes to the road.

"Uh." Inuyasha really didn't want to say how he died. It was fucking embarrassing, that's what it was. "My skull was cracked open." As long as he didn't ask–

"How?"

Well wasn't he a nosy little bugger? Inuyasha sighed. "I was juggling things around and it was raining and I slipped and fell."

Naraku seemed to take this well enough, nodding. "And what did you do to warrant a first-class ticket into Hell?"

Not liking the sound of that question and realizing with a slow, thickening horror that he was with a man that was spending his eternity in _HELL_, Inuyasha tried desperately not to panic. "What did you do?"

The greasy man giggled, swerving the car around and forcing Inuyasha to look at the road. Bad idea. There were a million cars and – HOLY SHIT THEY JUST ALMOST GOT HIT BY A TRUCK THAT RAN A RED LIGHT. OH GOD. OH GOD.

"I'm going to die," Inuyasha wheezed.

"Hate to break it to you," Naraku started, "but you're already dead. You can't die in Hell; you can just suffer for a long time until everything heals. And everything does heal eventually." Looking at Inuyasha for a moment, he grinned. "You know, I like you. If I had met you in real life, I totally wouldn't have conned you."

"Conned me?"

Naraku nodded, seemingly pleased for some reason. "Oh yeah, it's why I'm here. I'm a fortune teller, only not a real one. But I pretended and was damn good at it. I'm not sure how – maybe it was luck or whatever – but whatever I said generally came true in some way. I stole money from people like you wouldn't _believe_. People are dumb bastards, you know that?" Naraku giggled again. "Really dumb bastards. Of course, karma's a bitch and I ended up here so... What'd you do?"

"Uh, I uh, broke Heaven apparently. I don't really know," Inuyasha replied honestly, looking out the windshield and then immediately looking down. He _could not_ put himself through that torture of watching the potential number of times they could get killed. It was already passing the single digits and they'd been on the road for what, five minutes?

"How'd you _break_ Heaven?" Naraku asked.

Inuyasha shrugged. Maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. "Well I was there for about eight seconds, something short like that. I, um, sneezed and then there were fireballs or something. It kind of destroyed things there so I got sent...here." To Hell.

Suddenly, Inuyasha's body was being jolted forward sharply, his head slamming back on the head rest when they stopped. "What happened?" he exclaimed, trying to look everywhere. Were they hit from behind? Attacked? Were there _bombs_?

"THAT WAS YOU?" Naraku screamed, big red eyes as wide as saucers. "You're the one that brought fire to Heaven?"

Inuyasha flinched, pressing back into the car seat and praying the guy didn't stab him. What was he to expect? He was in _Hell_, anything could happen. Undoing his seat belt, Inuyasha looked around himself and found that they were in the middle of an intersection, blocking about forty cars that were honking at them angrily. Huh, how didn't he hear them?

"Stay there cowboy," Naraku insisted, slapping at Inuyasha before driving off again. "I can't believe I'm actually sitting here talking to you. That's _awesome_. So how did you do it? Did you picture it with your mind or something?"

"What?" Inuyasha exclaimed. "No! Of course not. I don't know how it happened."

Naraku blew a bubble, so big it covered his eyes momentarily before it popped. Inuyasha feared greatly for those seconds where the bubble covered his view of the windshield. Didn't anyone know how to drive? "Then I know what I must do," he said firmly, nodding to himself.

"What do you have to– Holy _shit_, STOP STOP STOP!" Inuyasha screamed, clinging to the seat with his life as Naraku did a U-turn in the middle of _everything_. Cars were honking, people were shouting angrily and Naraku just smiled and waved like the fucking queen. Inuyasha was scarred for life. Or, well, his afterlife.

"Where are we going?" Inuyasha demanded, letting one hand grip at the door tightly. There were going to be marks after, surely.

"To the woman that'll know what to do with you." Naraku grinned. "Baby, if you broke Heaven you should be living in a _mansion_ here."

Inuyasha opened his mouth to question it, but instead thought better. Nothing around here was normal – or good news, for that matter. Maybe this woman Naraku was bringing him to could shed some light.

"Ooh yes, I think you'll like her. Everyone likes the Neutral ones," Naraku said suddenly, smacking away at his gum.

"Neutral ones?"

"The administrators of Heaven and Hell," Naraku answered, taking his eyes off the busy road. "Sometimes people don't go to either location – you don't know why unless you're one of them. But they act like mediators between the two. This woman in particular deals with half-breeds."

Inuyasha didn't want to sound slow, but he was unable to be anything else. "Half-breeds?"

Naraku rolled his dark eyes. "Yes, half-breeds. Half-demons, like you, have gone to Heaven first before joining Hell. Half-angels went to Hell before Heaven. It's pretty political."

"There are more like me?" Inuyasha asked, eyes wide.

"Well," Naraku started, "of course there are. None of them _broke_ Heaven though."

"It was momentary!" Inuyasha snapped.

Slamming on the brakes, Naraku laughed maniacally. "Whatever you tell yourself at night babycakes."

Inuyasha growled. "Stop calling me babycakes."

Naraku giggled and turned the car off. "Come on _babycakes_, it's time to meet her."

To be honest, he hadn't even known they were there. Standing in a parking lot that was better described as abandoned, Inuyasha looked around to see..._nothing_. "Where the hell are we?"

The greasy-haired man winked and gestured to be followed. Inuyasha did slowly, watching in amazement as Naraku pulled at a metal hatch in the ground. Underneath were stairs.

"Hell no," Inuyasha muttered.

"Fuck _yes_," Naraku countered.

Inuyasha cautiously went down, closing the hatch and praying Naraku wasn't really a bad guy. Just...a guy in Hell. When they got to the bottom, Inuyasha was relieved at the sight of an office and normal-looking people doing work.

"Hey everyone!" Naraku called. "Where's my girl?"

A woman stepped out into the hallway, crossing her arms. "I'm not your girl Naraku."

Inuyasha just stood there and stared, because the woman in front of him? She was simply gorgeous.

Naraku sighed happily and clapped Inuyasha on the back. "Meet Kagome, she'll take care of you babycakes."

And Inuyasha? Well he just took one look at her and smirked.

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><p><strong><em>Comments:<em>**

_Alikmionejean: _Your tangents make me laugh so hard, so please don't stop them. They are a great help between me running around campus like a fool and studying my ass off. Seriously. I have no life. NO. LIFE. Or too much of one? I'm not even sure anymore. Thanks so much darling, means a lot :D

_Random-Human-Reviewer: _HAHA. Seriously, yes. I'll be one of those people. I hope you liked this chapter :) !

_Nepenthec: _I'm SO glad :D :D

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><p><strong><em>See? I can make Kagome appear in any story.<em>**

**_Feedback is probably the only break I have from the world of NOLIFE. I'd appreciate it greatly._**


	3. Of Paperwork and Politics

_**Author's Note: **Still dying. BRB._

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Three: Of Paperwork and Politics<strong>

The woman standing in front of him was _smoking_, which is a really bad thing to say in Hell because with all the fire, everything should smoke. But...that's not true. Hell wasn't even that hot, if Inuyasha really put his mind to it. It was just like being in the Caribbean, with a lot more dirt. To be honest, he hadn't really paid any attention yet. His mind had been cycling through _I'm on a flying bus_ to _I'm in Hell_ to _who is the crackhead _to _half-demons_ to _wow, she's hot_. Or smokin'.

Whatever.

"Does he talk? Naraku, you didn't bring me another crazy, did you?" The woman known as Kagome sighed dramatically, pointing a rather sharp finger at the bubble-gum chewing, greasy-haired lunatic. "I will murder you if you brought me another one. It took four weeks for the stab wound to close up, and let me tell you _fortune-loser_, I am not going to get poked at with a ball-point pen _ever AGAIN_."

Inuyasha's smirk quickly disappeared from his face. Yes, she was hot. But apparently, she was also a bit insane. Inuyasha thought to himself that maybe everyone in Hell was a bit insane.

He was in _Hell_ after all.

"I'm Inuyasha," he said finally, for lack of anything better to say.

Kagome's head sharply turned, her long black and wavy hair swinging out behind her as she did so. Her eyes were big – doe-eyed and innocent looking – and they were fixated on him. "So you do speak," she said, voice almost toying. "Why don't we step into my office? Naraku, if you're on your best behaviour, I'll allow for you too."

"That's my girl," Naraku cheered, blowing yet another bubble.

Kagome groaned and rolled her eyes. She turned on her heel, stepping back into a room that was both neat and sharp. The walls were a light grey, with metallic and black furniture and glass table tops. A thin laptop sat in one corner, facing a rather large and overly stuffed black chair. The raven-haired beauty sat down in it, crossing her legs and giving Inuyasha a rather nice view of them. When he had been alive, he greatly appreciated women and their legs. He had a thing for them in heels too.

"Hey, pal," Kagome snapped, her fingers flittering dangerously close to his face. How she managed to lean across her desk so close to him without him even noticing said something he didn't want to admit. "Your eyes either need to go back in their eye sockets, or I'll rip them out. We good? Good. Now, Naraku, where did you pick up this pervert?"

Inuyasha sputtered, fists clenching at his sides. "I am not–"

"Your _eyes_," Kagome interrupted sharply, her finger tracing from his face to her legs. "Now shush please. Naraku?"

"Met him on aero transit," Naraku answered somewhat cheerfully, leaning back against the clean wall. "He was sleeping when I got on at _Hellfire 'B'_ and it wasn't until near the end when I realized he had no clue what was going on. He's a half-demon Kaggie. _The _half-demon."

Inuyasha watched the conversation between them, wanting to practically scream that he was _right there_, _thank you very much_. The moment Naraku said "the half-demon" however made Kagome's face go utterly still. Her neutral expression never changed, but Inuyasha was sure that her brain was ticking in overtime. He had been a cop when he was alive; reading a person was something he did for a living.

"Don't call me Kaggie," Kagome replied smoothly, uncrossing her legs and sitting up straight in her chair. She rolled around to a filing cabinet, pulling out something that Inuyasha couldn't make out until it was sliding across towards him on the glass top. "Fill this out please. There's a pen right in that holder. Naraku, please leave. I need to talk to my client alone."

"Your–" Inuyasha cut himself off, frowning. "I'm not your client. I don't even know what I'm doing here. Naraku just dragged my ass over. What am I even filling out?"

Kagome smiled at him, big and white. "It's a little thing called patience. Just fill it out, alright? Thanks."

Looking over at Naraku, the apparent fortune teller, Inuyasha gave him a quizzical look. Naraku in return just shrugged, waving and grinning before exiting the office. So now he was alone with the crazy Kagome woman.

Great.

"Want to explain what's going on?" Inuyasha asked, purposefully ignoring the papers Kagome gave him. He was a cop. He had learned to know everything before signing a piece of bloody paper. Just because he was in Hell didn't mean he had to change.

The raven-haired beauty swivelled in her chair, staring up at the ceiling. "So are you or are you not the one that broke Heaven?"

Realizing that she still didn't answer his question, Inuyasha huffed. "Momentarily," he corrected. "I momentarily broke Heaven. I don't even know how I did – or, or, if I _even_ did it. All I did was sneeze! And then suddenly fucking fireballs are flying and houses are burning, and there was nothing I could do to stop it."

Kagome slowly lowered her head, brown eyes focused intensely on him. "How long were you in Heaven for?"

Inuyasha shrugged. "How the hell do I know? Less than ten seconds maybe?"

Nodding, the woman crossed her legs again. "So what do you want to do?"

Inuyasha frowned. "What do you mean, what do I want to do? I have options?"

"Tons of options," Kagome replied, somewhat breezily. "Have you filled out your information?"

"What's the information for?" Inuyasha countered.

"What's the information for? _Really_?" Kagome asked, sounding rather annoyed. "Look buddy, I'm a Neutral. I don't do 'evil' and I don't do 'good'. So when I ask you politely to fill out a piece of paper, you fill it out. Is that so hard? Is it really so difficult to pick up a pen and scribble answers on a page? Did a fireball hit you in Heaven and make you stupid too?"

"The fuck, wench," Inuyasha snapped, glaring. "Who the hell do you think you are? I don't even know what a Neutral really is! Can you even imagine the day I had today, waking up in _Hell_ beside Naraku the fortune-telling _crackhead_?" He was possibly hyperventilating, but his anger was fuelling him on. "I was a _cop_ when I was alive and I saved a lot of people. I put away bad guys. I did _good things_. Why the hell am I even down here in the first place?"

Kagome gave him a pointed look. "You broke Heaven."

"_MOMENTARILY!_" he snapped. "I momentarily broke it!"

Shrugging, the woman didn't seem to have any answers for him. "If you want, I can file an appeal. It's one of the options you have."

Inuyasha closed his eyes and reigned back the seething anger. He had to be calm, cool and collected to deal with today. He could do that. He could focus. "What are my options?"

Standing up, Kagome grabbed a marker from her desk and went to the whiteboard that hung on one of the far walls. She started to write, the big red loopy letters joining together as she listed out in point-form his options. "First option," she stated, "is filing an appeal. This is a long process and there's a period of review. Typically I, as your Neutral, will file an appeal that will be sent to Heaven's BOD – board of directors. They will review your file that will contain a three month probation period of your time spent in Hell and the less than ten seconds spent in Heaven. Based on your actions, they will determine whether you have the right to go back to Heaven. Since you're a half-breed, you have this option."

"It's only available to half-breeds – like the half-angels and half-demons?" Inuyasha asked.

Kagome nodded. "Exactly. Since you were in Heaven once, it means that your soul was good enough to belong there. Since you had that rather _unfortunate _event, you got shipped to Hell. Your soul hasn't changed though, so you still have the ability to go back to Heaven. The same goes for other half-demons. Half-angels are the same, only opposite. They got sent to Hell first, but usually they get some sort of epiphany and start to do so much good in Hell that they get booted to Heaven."

"Why doesn't everyone do that then?" Inuyasha asked. "Don't people realize that?"

Kagome grinned. "It's not just about having the epiphany and being good. There are more…political means to it. Classified information, so I can't tell you, but it's very rare that half-breeds exist. You're about one and a half percent of the total population in both Heaven and Hell."

"So what's my other option?" Inuyasha asked, raising a brow. "It can't be much better than the first one."

Shrugging, the Neutral underlined the second grouping of scribbles. "Option two is to become the Ruler of Hell."

"Uh, I'm sorry," Inuyasha coughed out, slightly sputtering. "That sounds like it came out of nowhere."

"Not really," Kagome corrected, shaking her long black hair. "You destroyed Heaven–"

"Momentarily."

" –so it's only logical that you rule Hell. You'd live in a mansion, have the best security and servants. You become a sort of king, only it's a big title that means absolutely nothing but a high status."

Inuyasha stared at her in horror. "What?"

Kagome sighed dramatically. "What, he asks me," she mumbled. "It's not like I'm speaking his language or anything. _Look_, you get this big fancy title called _Ruler of Hell_ and that's it. You live in a big house. You have servants. You have security. Although, everyone would attempt to kill you or steal from you because you are the _Ruler of Hell_. But that's the price of awesome titles. You don't do shit all but sound important."

Inuyasha blinked. Huh. "Could you be like…my ruling queen then?"

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><p><em><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>_

_Bow: _Thanks hun :)

_EndlessIdeas:_ And thank you to you too :) !

_Random-Human-Reviewer: _You're far too sweet. I'm glad you like it! SuperGirl77 really is the plot master behind this though, so I can't take all the credit! Thanks darling!

_(): _I'm SO glad you think so :D :D

_3lue3utterfly:_ I totally get your point, it is a bit strange. But so is my mind :) Thanks hun! Hopefully the World of NoLife shall let me return soon. Hopefully...

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><p><em><strong>Feedback equals love.<strong>_


	4. Of Arguments and Apples

_**Author's Notes:**_ Several important things to note here! __

__ONE: I am behind (obviously). I'm trying to keep up with my chapters so really it's my replying to reviews and PMs getting me down. If I haven't responded to you, it's probably because I haven't gotten there yet. I'm approximately 20 days late on my replies. __

__TWO: To help readers see where I'm at, what I'm doing, what's going through my head, etc. I have started a..."blog" of sorts. Basically it's going to have a lot of my writing information, why I'm taking so long, what stories are up and coming (with sneak previews!), questions and polls, and soon I'll have masterlists of current stories, completed stories with PDFs and all art. You can find this "blog" of mine as the Homepage link on my profile.__

__THREE:____ I want to thank everyone who recently voted at the Feudal Assocation. __As Fast as You Can _had been nominated for Best OneShot, _Thanks a Bunch (But I'm Not Getting Married) _won first for Best Humourous Fiction and _So Now We'll Let the Rain Fall _won first for Best Inuyasha/Kagome Romance Fiction. I don't know HOW I won exactly, but I'm extremely grateful and thankful for all of your support. With that said, this can all be found at my little "blog"._

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Four: Of Arguments and Apples<strong>

Kagome glared at him. "If you're going to say something stupid, don't bother, okay?"

"Then what's the point of being _Ruler of Hell_?" Inuyasha asked, somewhat desperately. He didn't get this. He didn't get _any_ of this.

"What's the point of bubble gum? Nothing," Kagome said as a way of answering. She dropped back into her big leather chair. "It's Hell, Inuyasha. In case you haven't noticed, it's a backwards world."

"Isn't, you know, the Devil the ruler of Hell? I mean, doesn't he like…run shit?"

Kagome raised her eyebrow. "What the Devil does or doesn't do is classified," she replied, never taking her eyes off of his. "Don't worry. You probably won't have to meet him. He's a VIP, just like God. The little people are hardly important."

"Ah," Inuyasha replied, not particularly liking any of this. And this woman, while extremely hot, was also a bit annoying. She didn't have to sound so know-it-all about this shit. "So, uh, could we go along with option one then? Were those all my options?"

"Well no," Kagome replied. "But those are the two main ones. Others involve you maiming, killing, doing ritualistic dances and somehow attempting to make Hell rain. You know, like you sneeze in Heaven and fire falls from the sky. You sneeze in Hell, rain falls from the sky. You haven't sneezed here yet, have you?"

This was probably the strangest conversation he'd ever had. "No, I haven't."

Kagome nodded with authority, smiling with a hint of falseness. "I'd still go with option one or two. They're the best and as your Neutral, I'd advise you to take one of those choices."

"Then I am advising you that I'll take option one," Inuyasha snapped. He hadn't meant to do that, but the way she seemed so high and mighty on this, and how her temper was clearly short-fused, made it impossible to stop. It's not like he knew anything about this place. He was just zapped here.

The Neutral before him stared at him with a quirked eyebrow. "Is there a stick hiding up there or what?"

Inuyasha groaned, banging his head on the desk and feeling the pain pulse through his brain. "Shit, look Kag- Kag- whoever you are, I just want out of here, okay? I'm confused and tired and this hasn't been fun."

The woman contemplated him for a moment, her brown eyes never leaving his face. Slowly her hands came up, reaching for the top button of her blouse and undoing it. She continued on to free the rest, making Inuyasha's eyes go wide as he sat back and stared. He was sure he saw this in a porno somewhere.

"My name, to repeat myself, is _Kagome_," she snapped, flicking open her shirt and revealing the red bra. Inuyasha was a bit…transfixed.

"Uh…"

"Do you see this?" Kagome asked rather harshly, making Inuyasha blink. It wasn't until he saw that her hand was pointing to a red circle on her skin that he realized what she was talking about. "This was from the pen stabbing I received." She pushed her blouse down a little more, letting it shrug off her shoulders as she twisted around. "See the mark on my shoulder blade? Knife wound, a month ago." Kagome stood up now, raising her skirt to reveal those long legs he had been previously enjoying. There was a long ragged scar up her leg. "Chainsaw."

Inuyasha looked at her in horror, his eyes snapping to her face. "What–"

"Don't even ask," Kagome interrupted, waving her hand as she started to redress. "But consider this: do you think I want to be in my position any more than you want to be in yours?" Inuyasha didn't even have time to answer, because her eyes were boring into his soul and he felt pretty damn trapped, like a rabbit stuck under a dog's paw. "So suck it up and understand what I'm telling you. I will _help_ you, with whatever I can do. You have options Inuyasha, _choices_. Be grateful for them."

For a long moment, Inuyasha remained silent. Kagome readjusted her skirt before leaning forwards on her desk. "Now, I will carry out your wishes to file an appeal to Heaven's BOD. You, as I had previously asked, will fill out the paperwork." Without further statement she turned on her heel, stormed around her desk and walked out of the office.

"Fuming bitch walking," Inuyasha muttered under his breath, tensing up as he expected some sort of verbal blow. When he realized Kagome was still gone, he started to fill out the paperwork.

_Full Name: _Inuyasha Taisho

_Sex:_ Male

_Date of Birth: _12/14/1985

_Date of Death: _05/28/2011

_Cause of Death:_ Slipped and fell.

_Be specific. _On a banana…

_Employment:_ Officer of the law (so why the hell am I here?)

_Sex Partners:_ …Several?

_Kinks:_ …Many?

_Do you enjoy afternoon strolls? Do they involve making children cry? _Yes… No.

_On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 meaning not at all and 10 meaning every second of the day) how often do you watch pornography?_ …How is this relevant?

Inuyasha squinted at the piece of paper, lifting it off of the desk and holding it to the light. Surely there had to be a trick somewhere. These couldn't be legitimate questions. What sort of paperwork was she doing? The Art of Being a Creeper?

The door opened and Inuyasha listened to the clicking of Kagome's heels as she re-entered the room. The smile was back on her face, her shirt perfectly set into place as she sunk into her chair. "Any questions?"

"Is this for real?" Inuyasha demanded, raising a brow as he waved the paper around. "What the hell does my intake of porn have to do with anything?"

The Neutral closed her eyes and rubbed her temple. "It was a questionnaire designed in Hell. Do you _really_ think it's going to have any real sort of bearing?"

None of this made sense. Absolutely none of it. "Then why am I doing this?"

"Everyone needs paperwork," Kagome replied. "It's Hell. I'm not sure how many times I'm going to have to say it until it finally breaks through your thick and rather obtuse skull."

"Do I have to finish this?" Inuyasha asked. He sounded like a whiny brat but he couldn't help it. This was what his life had been reduced to – or rather, his afterlife. He hoped to god (and really, the puns he could say were off the charts) that Heaven accepted his appeal.

Kagome glared at him. "Yes. You do."

Inuyasha sighed, getting to the next question and frowning. "_Do you have any physical afterlife changes?_ What the fuck does that mean?"

"It's pretty straightforward," Kagome responded, swivelling in her chair like it was some sort of roller coaster ride. "Typically when people die, their appearance alters to become something more suitable to their geological situation, their personal traits and dark secrets. You, for example, have tons of them."

Inuyasha blinked. He wha…?

Getting out a mirror from one of her desk drawers, Kagome produced it and flashed it in front of him.

And really, holy fucking shit.

"WHY DO I HAVE EARS ON TOP– WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR IT'S– MY EYES?" Inuyasha stared at himself in horror. He looked like a freak. The underlying structure was the same but…but… "Why do I have dog ears?"

Kagome shrugged. "Why does the wheel look round?"

It made absolutely no sense and had absolutely no bearing on the conversation at all. Inuyasha let it slide. "My hair is silver. I'm not fucking eighty years-old, why is it like this? And my eyes are…are…"

"Gold," Kagome cut in, nodding. "At least your body is still humanoid. You should see some of the demons down here. They look like actual monsters."

Inuyasha blanched. No, this couldn't be happening to him.

"Well are you going to write it down or not?" Kagome urged, looking at him rather impatiently. "I don't have all day."

He wanted to point out that he was currently in the middle of a crisis. Not only was he in Hell, in a situation that was so ridiculous it was borderline a very bad trip on every drug in existence, but he looked like a silver-haired, doggy-eared, golden-eyed human.

He opened his mouth. Oh good. There were pointy little fangs too. Lovely. Dracula would be proud.

"I don't think I can do this anymore. My heart is going to explode," Inuyasha panted, a little breathless. Was he hyperventilating? Oh god, he probably was. He was in Hell, hyperventilating and he looked like an eighty year-old mutant with…claws. Great. Claws were good when he decided to gut himself.

Kagome snapped her fingers in his face. "Do. The paperwork. _Now_." Her big brown eyes narrowed into slits.

The paperwork took another forty minutes. Inuyasha was literally twitching by the time it was over.

"Want an apple?"

"A…?" Inuyasha looked at the Neutral across the desk from him. "I'm sorry, did you just say an apple?"

The raven-haired beauty shrugged. "Apples are good for you. They're a rich source of antioxidant compounds like quercetin, epicatechin and–"

"It's okay, I'm fine," Inuyasha interrupted. "Thank you."

Kagome shrugged, biting into one before standing up and whisking away his paperwork. She threw it on top of her keyboard, grabbing a set of keys. "You ready to head out?"

"Where?" Inuyasha wasn't sure if he could take any more surprises. Today he had reached his quota, thank you very much. And it didn't matter that this woman was unreal on the level of hotness – she was still a bit strange. Maybe it was a dead thing. Maybe he was strange and didn't know about it. "Are we going to Heaven?"

Snorting, the woman shook her head, finishing the bite of her apple. "No, I'm taking you to the best real estate agents I know. Their names are Miroku and Sango Tsujitani. Nice people, if you avoid the guns."

"The guns?"

Kagome nodded solemnly. "Don't make any sudden movements and when I say freeze, you really should. They're still working on the finer points of their minefield driveway."

Right. Minefield driveways. At least Hell had a way with security.

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><p><strong><em>Comments to Acknowledge<em>**

_No OnE: _Thank you! I definitely agree. My only problem is that writing _is_ my time to relax. I wish I had time to write. I _want_ to write *sad face*

_Random-Human-Reviewer:_ We are, in fact, kind of related. It's a "parents are best friends so we grew up together like family" type thing. I was on here first though - and introduced her to - so I _refuse_ to change my name just because she's a name copier. (HEAR THAT SG? HEAR THAT?) Haha, I think I create a lot of inside jokes that no one gets. "Loaf" has been a frequented term now. I wish I came across someone that said that though... Thank you :D

_EndlessIdeas:_ Thanks darling :) !

_3lue3utterly:_ I'm glad you think like that! I do too. I think Kagome in the series had a bit of that in her...not to the extent I obviously make it though. Then again, I haven't watched the series in...a very, very, very, very, very, (etc) long time. Haha thank you!

_xraianx: _Well I'm so glad it did! Thank you!

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><p><em>So my usual spiel: feedback is love, and so on. Remember, I will respond :D<em>

_I'm just a bit...behind._


	5. Of Gun Lovers and Goodbyes

**_Author's Note:_**_ My homepage link is the best way to figure out what's going on in my head and what's taking me so long to post. Also, to make up for my lack of updating and because it's soon Christmas, the **12 Days of Witchyness** will once again commence, starting on December 14th. Get ready everyone._

_**Award:** Thank you to Black Dahlia! Winging It placed 4th for Best AU at Born for Each Other.  
><em>

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Five: Of Gun Lovers and Goodbyes<strong>

Driving with Kagome was nothing like driving with Naraku.

It was much, much worse.

"LOOK AT THE FUCKING ROAD, WILL YOU WENCH?" Inuyasha screamed, clutching the seat because of course this car didn't _have _seat belts. What cars didn't have seat belts? Oh yeah. THE ONES IN HELL.

"Calm down," Kagome admonished, still munching happily away at her apple. Inuyasha wasn't sure whether to be relaxed by the sight of the fruit or not. On the one hand, it meant that Kagome was accustomed to driving like she was the only one on the road. On the other, eating while driving was considering distracted driving (he was a police officer after all) and frankly, that wasn't a good thing.

"If I was alive and this wasn't Hell, I'd give you a ticket," Inuyasha mumbled. "Distracted driving and all that."

Kagome raised a brow. "Not speeding?"

They went through a red light. Three cars impacted right beside them. He swore he saw a body go flying through a windshield. "There's a good chance."

"Pity," Kagome murmured.

Inuyasha stared at the woman, noticing the way her eyes never left the road, even though she still drove terribly. Her hands were small, pale and far too relaxed for his liking on the steering wheel. She was still hot though. Her black hair curled around her, settled partially on her shoulders and waved like a waterfall down. And those lips…

"You're staring again," Kagome murmured, still not looking at the half-demon. "You know, for a guy that could be the Ruler of Hell, you don't seem all that intimidating. You were a cop when you were alive, right?"

"Yeah, I was," Inuyasha answered, immediately looking out the windshield. Even though it pained him to do so, the last thing he needed was Kagome to get all weird at him. She had already caught him staring at her legs. That was bad enough. "Which is why I don't understand why I'm here. I put a lot of bad guys away. Doesn't that mean anything?"

Kagome hummed lightly. "I guess that depends if you thinking putting all those bad guys away outweighs the fact that you broke Heaven."

"_Momentarily_ I broke Heaven, for fuck's sake," Inuyasha spat. The whole thing was getting old now. "So what are you doing here?"

Bad question. Definitely a bad question. Kagome took her eyes off the road to raise a brow at him. Oh, they just ran another red light. Oh, there was a large blood splatter on that impact. Lovely. "That's classified."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Aren't we in Hell? I've only been here an hour or so and so far I've been an accessory to approximately five murders – although who knows what collateral damage you and Naraku caused – as well as stolen a car. My ass was slapped on the bus by a creepy looking guy. Apparently you can die without dying. None of that sounds particularly rule-abiding."

"Ass slapping, really?" Kagome shook her head. "Let me tell you something Mister, _you_ have no _idea_ as to what's really going on. Hell is just not what you think it is. Hell isn't what the stories claim it to be in the World of the Living. It's far more complex."

"_HELLO?_" Inuyasha nearly wailed. "I have no _fucking _clue what any of this shit is about! All I wanted to know–"

"All you wanted to know was information that was _classified_, and oh boy, this is coming from a guy who used to dish out penalties for not following the law. What, you a criminal now with your big ass weapon and bling-bling hanging around your neck? I didn't think so."

"Wh–"

"Shut up, please Inuyasha, or I will kill us both."

"We can't die."

Kagome glared at him. They hit a sign.

"Just watch the damn road," Inuyasha grumbled, trying not to show his cringe when he looked around himself. They were now in some sort of subdivision – if you could call it that. Things were burning. There was smog, just…hanging there, all looming and such. Inuyasha feared greatly for his life, especially since the Neutral's glare didn't seem to lighten any.

When the car stopped, shit just got scarier.

To be honest, Inuyasha wasn't sure what happened. One second they were sitting there, listening to the car slowly bringing itself down and the next…_BOOM._ Inuyasha jumped a mile high, slamming his head on the ceiling of the car and scrambling for some sort of purchase as the car flew up into the air. It slammed back down with a force that shook every bone in his body.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" Inuyasha yelled, debating between getting out of the car and running for it or just waiting for the final blow. Shit, he was going to die. He was going to die _again_. And yet, moments ago he just claimed that they _couldn't _die. It was horrifying how fast his mind could be switched, especially when bombs were being introduced.

Kagome sighed dramatically, flipping down the driver's shade and opening the attached mirror. The light wasn't working, but Inuyasha guessed it didn't matter. The fire that had currently started on the front of the old car's hood was probably good enough.

"We need to go," Inuyasha urged, grabbing Kagome's wrist as she played with a stand of hair. _Her hair,_ for fuck's sake. Was anyone in Hell _normal_? "Come on you crazy wench, let's move it!" Whether she was going to move or not, Inuyasha decided waiting wasn't an option anymore. He grabbed her shoulder and dragged her roughly across the console, over his passenger seat and onto the dirt road beside the car. Or dirt lawn, whatever.

"Ow, what do you think you're doing?" Kagome demanded. She brushed off her knees, butt still planted on the dirty ground. "This is a _test_."

And what do you make of that? Inuyasha stared at her dumbly. "What?"

"It's a test, give it another twenty seconds," Kagome muttered, rolling her eyes as she stood up. Her hands smoothed over the black skirt, brushing off dirt and gravel. "I told you to listen to me."

"In case you hadn't noticed _a BOMB went off_!" Inuyasha twitched. Or maybe he was starting to have a seizure standing up. Who knew?

"More like it was another one of Miroku's inventions," Kagome replied, shrugging a little. "See? There we go. It's a test."

Before Inuyasha could say anything, a massive, sleek black Hummer roared, flying through the air. It hit the road hard, skidding in the dust as it drove along towards them. Inuyasha could see a small white flag flying out the back window. And really, _what the fuck_? The Hummer came closer and closer, until finally it swung around and drifted to a halt. A man with black hair jumped out, sunglasses on and a shit-eating grin on his face. He studied the burning car, still a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode, and then kicked it.

"Kagome, you always pick the _hardest_ cars to blow up," the man whined. He sighed dramatically, turning back to the Hummer and opening the back of it. Inside was a tank, something that looked like a rounded, cylindrical compressor with a hose attached to it. He slowly dragged it out and aimed at Kagome's car.

Inuyasha just stared. Because honestly.

"Ready!" the man yelled, bending his knees and leaning forward just as a gush of water pushed through the hose. The car, still on fire, started to slowly cool off, the flames dying.

And like before, Inuyasha watched. Holy mother ducker. "I don't…" He tried to say words but nothing came out. Maybe his brain had finally snapped. A lot of things had happened to him so far today. He wasn't sure how long he'd been in Hell for, but it seemed like an eternity already. He probably was going to get a million grey hairs just breathing down here.

Oh wait. That's right. His hair was _silver_. God damn.

"You weren't even _close_ this time!" Kagome yelled from somewhere beside him. The small drag of her heels in the dirt sounded as she moved forwards towards the crazy man with a hose in the back of his massive Hummer. Who was wearing sunglasses, a purple t-shirt and ripped up jeans.

Who was smiling like a fucking lunatic.

"What? That's bull," the man retorted, seemingly trying to drain the hose of the remaining water before rolling it up. "You should've seen the bomb. Kagome, it was miraculous."

"The car only flew about four feet up into the air," the black-haired woman scoffed. "Last time was nearly seven."

"Don't be lying now!" another woman's voice – from somewhere in the Hummer Inuyasha guessed – sounded. When the passenger door opened wide and a tall, lean, vivacious female stepped out in nothing but a cropped tank top and low-slung jeans, Inuyasha nearly choked.

Was everyone woman in Hell so astonishingly hot?

"I'm not!" Kagome exclaimed, opening her arms wide so that the new woman could step into her space for a hug. "I think Miroku's losing it."

"Ah ah ah, no don't jinx me!" the man Miroku cried. "I just finally got over the seven years of bad luck for that damn mirror. Now is my time to rise and shine."

"Moron," the woman muttered. Slowly her eyes turned to Inuyasha, and the half-demon froze. He felt weird, trapped, and that was even weirder because he was in the middle of a burning subdivision. He could run to a lot of different places. He might not survive for long and probably would die due to smoke inhalation, but that was beside the point.

"Sango, Miroku," Kagome said, turning around with a flourish. "This is Inuyasha. He's the one that broke Heaven. Inuyasha, this is Miroku and Sango Tsujitani. They're the best real estate agents in Hell. If anyone can find you a place in a moment's notice, it's them."

And Inuyasha opened his mouth to say something intelligent – really, he did – but nothing came out.

The Sango woman cooed. "Aw, look at him! I forgot how overwhelming everything is when you're fresh meat still. Here," she said, stepping right up to him and holding out her hand. "It's really nice to meet you Inuyasha."

"Uh," he stuttered out. At least his voice was still working. "Uh, yeah. Nice to meet you too. I think."

Miroku chuckled, wrapping his arm around Sango's waist and pressing a hand to Inuyasha's. "It's good to meet you, guy. If you hadn't noticed, Sango and I have been getting bored. A new client and a new hunt is _exactly_ what we need."

Was it just him, or was the word "hunt" seemingly…out of place? Did he hear right?

"So you're the one that broke Heaven?" Sango asked, looking at him with big magenta-coloured eyes. They were strange, definitely a change from normal human colouring. "Was it fun?"

"I ended up here," Inuyasha replied. "So no. I wouldn't say so."

Miroku started laughing again and Kagome finally pushed her way in, standing just slightly in front of him as if to shield him from the crazy people. God, he hoped she was going to protect him from the crazy people. "So I'm glad you all got acquainted," Kagome said cheerfully. She turned to Inuyasha, her smile almost startling. Inuyasha hadn't seen her smile yet. "Are you good?"

Inuyasha frowned. "There's such a thing as 'good' in Hell?"

Miroku laughed again. Inuyasha figured something was wrong with the guy. Then again, something was wrong with everyone here. Hell was like paradise for the insane and the crazy.

Patting him on the shoulder, Kagome scoffed a little. "Well, I've got to get back to work. So Miroku and Sango will take care of you and get you a place to stay tonight. Don't worry, I'm sure for a price they'll steal you a car too. I'll get your address later, let you know what's going on with your appeal."

Blinking, Inuyasha put her words together. "You're leaving me?"

The raven-haired beauty looked a little taken aback by that, possibly because he sounded a lot like a little kid. "I'll see you tomorrow, how's that?"

Inuyasha gulped, and looked at the two psychotic real estate agents behind her. "Okay, fine."

Smiling once more, Kagome stepped back and snapped her fingers. She disappeared in a poof of red smoke.

His brain finally exploded. "WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THAT?" Kagome was gone. Where did she go? Why did she poof like a fucking genie? Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

"HEY BABYCAKES!"

Inuyasha couldn't think of anything but "oh god", and he certainly couldn't look away from the spot where Kagome once stood before she…before she…_poofed_.

If he had been paying attention, Inuyasha would've realized that Naraku had arrived to give him good news. Apparently, a dragon was coming to eat him.

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><p><strong><em>Comments to Acknowledge:<em>**

_Randomreader:_ You are so sweet! Thank you very much, I'm glad you're liking the story! I'm very lucky for the readers that I have.

_No OnE: _Thank you very much hun!

_Random-Human-Reviewer:_ You do learn something every day! Recently I learned that...well, now I can't remember it. BUT, I remember saying that "you learn something new everyday". So. There. Thank you :) !

_Ashleyad91yahoo:_ Haha, well I'll let you decide that for yourself ;) Thank you!

_Anonymous:_ First of all, I'd like to ask if you know what determines "good quality writing." I'll tell you: plot development, originality, creativity, organization in logical progression, proper terminology and word choice, sentence fluency and proper conventions (punctuation, spelling, etc.) If you feel that my quality of writing has, as you put it "gone down since Elevator Music", then fine. **But you have to give me a reason.** Also, the placement of a sex scene (which is, by the way, the _only_ addition to your so-called "constructive criticism") does not count. It really, really doesn't. Where I put a sex scene - or don't put a sex scene - has absolutely _nothing_ to do with my quality of writing. To be honest, I place sex scenes in extremely important locations. They are put there for good reasons: to develop relationships, characters and plots. Do you honestly think that ending a story with a sex scene is the best way to end it? Personally, I find it beyond tacky (_with exceptions, like everything else in the world_). You might not, and I respect that. But if you've ever had sex before, you'd know that sex is _not_ a happy ending - in the storybook sense, because haha _yes_ it's a "happy ending." Hilarious. Let's be realistic, shall we? Sex complicates life more than it solves it. So no, I won't write all of my endings with a sex scene. Maybe sometimes I'll end it with the _implication_ of sex to come, or maybe even making out, but a full out sex scene? Eh, probably not. I think I did that once anyways, a long time ago. I learned from it. So please, if my quality of writing has gone down, please abide by my three simple rules for commenting. In this case, be smart and constructive. Give me a reason that you think my quality of writing has gone down, and I will happily talk to you about it and quite possibly learn something from it. Don't just give me crap. A writer can't become better with crap. They learn nothing but simply have crap dumped on them, and that's just not nice. Trust me, this isn't my first go-around.

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><p><em>So the longest chapter yet. YES, I love ficlets. Tiny word counts are awesome.<em>

_Thank you to everyone for being so amazing. Feedback is always appreciated!_


	6. Of Houses and Heart Attacks

**_Author's Note:_**_ Day 3 of the Twelve Days of Witchyness._

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Six: Of Houses and Heart Attacks<strong>

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><p>Inuyasha stared. Because really, <em>Kagome fucking poofed<em>! In red smoke no less, or was red smoke just the default colour for Hell? But wasn't she a Neutral? What really _was_ a Neutral anyways? And- and- and-

"Inuyasha, _hello_!"

Kagome had disappeared in a cloud of smoke, created by her snapping her fucking fingers. Her fucking fingers, all right? And this? This is _nuts_. It's fucking _bonkers_ is what it is. Because this shit wouldn't happen in Heaven, Inuyasha could almost guarantee that.

A sudden clawing at the front of his shirt made him blink, golden eyes snapping to the slightly crazy man in front of him. Okay, so very crazy. Inuyasha figured that if you left out the blue eye shadow, Naraku could possibly pass off as just a bit mentally unstable. "Inuyasha, are you listening?" Naraku whined, tugging at the cotton. "I saw something, baby! I really, _really_ did!"

"You saw Kagome disappear too?" Inuyasha asked, feeling only a bit hysterical. "Because I was almost certain it was a fucking dream. Thank god."

Naraku frowned, looking rather disappointed. "Uh, _no_. I'm talking about life or death here. I saw…" He paused.

Inuyasha stared at him, waiting. And waiting. "What the hell did you see? Spit it out already."

The man with greasy black hair trembled a little. "I saw…_the future_."

This couldn't really be happening to him.

"HA!" Miroku squealed, practically shrieking like a hyena behind him. His laughter was almost drowned out by Sango, who had apparently joined in on the festivities. Inuyasha didn't think he'd ever understand Hell's incredibly odd sense of humour.

"Oh go blow up some something," Naraku said to them. "I'm serious, guys! Why don't you believe me?"

"We've known you for what – four years now? You've never seen the future or told the future. You did that when you were alive and wound up down here," Miroku said, shaking his head. "Did you snort your eye shadow again?"

"That was _one time_!" Naraku screamed, pumping his fists up and down angrily.

The problem? His fists were still attached to Inuyasha's shirt.

"Okay there," Inuyasha said, trying to be as calm as possible. It wasn't possible, but that was beside the point. "Explain this to me again. You saw the future?" He didn't even question the fact that Naraku knew the two real estate agents behind him. Inuyasha wouldn't question anything that happened in Hell now.

"I did!" Naraku replied, nodding in earnest. "It was such a trip, and it's never happened to me before. Remember, I told you I faked it when I was alive but… But I had a _real_ vision. I saw the future. _Your_ future, Inuyasha."

The half-demon stared at him. Was dying not enough? Was having to deal with this shit not enough? Now he had to take care of a makeup wearing fortune teller too? He sighed. "Tell me what you saw then." It couldn't be anything worse than never being allowed into Heaven. That was pretty much the worst option possible. He really hoped that Kagome – wherever the hell she was – was going about her business and doing all that appeal stuff. The faster Inuyasha could get out of here and into Heaven, the faster his afterlife could start.

Naraku's lower lip quivered. It fucking _quivered_. "There's a dragon."

Inuyasha nodded. "Fantastic."

"It's coming."

"Even better."

"To eat you, babycakes."

"_TO EAT ME_?"

"Whoa, whoa there," Sango interrupted, pushing her way between Naraku and Inuyasha with her small hands on their chests. "Naraku, you can't be serious. There's no dragon."

"There's a dragon I tell you and it's _coming_!" Naraku cried. "I'm not lying this time – it's the truth! This is a sign!"

"A sign?" Miroku asked, looking skeptically at the fortune teller – who was apparently a _real_ fortune teller now.

"Yes. Babycakes, don't you see?" Naraku asked. His blue eye shadow looked extra glittery. "I am meant to be _your_ fortune teller, like an advisor! I never got these visions until you showed up, and you're the future ruler of Hell!"

"You _are_?" Miroku was grinning ear to ear, smacking Inuyasha on the back. The half-demon simply wanted to die. Again. If possible. "Man, that's _awesome_. You are going to get laid _so much_."

Inuyasha gave the real estate agent a strange look, because really? Getting laid was the first thing that came to his mind? Not the fact that 'ruler of Hell' seemed a little strange and a lot _fucking nuts_? "I am not. It was an option but Kagome is going to file an appeal for Heaven's Board of Directors to try and get me back in there."

"What?" It was illegal how sad Naraku suddenly seemed. "But…but I told you a vision."

Holy hell. "Can we go house shopping or something?" Inuyasha asked, trying to ignore the rather obscure man before him. "It's getting late and this has been a _really_ long day for me."

"We're not going to be able to get you a house _now_," Sango said, cutting in on the conversation. "Are you crazy? This is Hell, and the housing market here is a shitload worse than the housing market in the World of the Living. It's going to take at least three days."

"WHAT?" Inuyasha exclaimed. "Kagome didn't tell me that! What am I supposed to do then? Live in the streets by myself?"

"Yeah right, you'll be killed before the dragon even has a chance to say hi," Miroku stated, grinning. "Get in the truck. You can stay in our house until we find you something suitable for the future rule of Hell." His devilish smile turned towards his wife. "This is _awesome_!"

Sango laughed. "We are so moving up!" They high-fived each other like they were BFFLs in fourth grade, with matching bracelets to boot. "Come on Your Highness, get in the Hummer."

"Your- Your-" Inuyasha spluttered. "What? NO! Don't call me that!"

"Well I thought Master would be a bit over the top, but whatever suits your ego's needs, Master." Sango laughed, as if it was funny.

Dammit.

"Fuck my afterlife, fuck my afterlife," Inuyasha groaned, turning towards Naraku. "So, uh, thanks for the…vision. I'll see you around?"

"As if!" Naraku yelled, pushing past him and into the Hummer. "I'm your new roommate sweet cheeks."

Jesus fuck.

In the end, it wasn't like he had much choice in the matter. Naraku was securely in with his seatbelt, a massive smile on his greasy face. Miroku and Sango were petting each other in the front, laughing hysterically while they pressed buttons and shit blew up around them. Inuyasha sat traumatized in the back. Because really? _REALLY?_

"This shit can't be for real," he groaned. Unfortunately, it was.

The mansion Sango and Miroku lived in was almost a replica of the house from The Addam's Family. There were three levels, probably a basement with very strange shit in it, and bats were flying all around. Bats. Fucking vampire bats.

Like what the fuck?

His hands dug into the seat, and it wasn't until he tried to unclench his hand that he realized his fingers were _in_ the seat. Right, he had claws now. Perfect. Hopefully Miroku and Sango wouldn't notice.

The couple seemed far too content with each other to notice much of anything. While Inuyasha and Naraku trailed closely behind, Miroku proudly unlocked the big double doors and turned around. "Welcome to Casa de Miroku and Sango!"

Inuyasha nearly died. The reaction was justified however. It's bad enough that you're walking up to a house that virtually came from The Addam's Family television show you used to watch as a child, but it was even _worse_ to see the inside and view…what looked to be from a very bad, very horrific 80's porno featuring the bad shag rug (with vibrant colouring), furniture built like it was made for sex and music playing from a god-awful stereo somewhere. And these were the people finding him a _house_?

He was so stunned – and _petrified for his burning eyes_ – that he didn't even notice Miroku forgetting to lock the door.

"Like what you see?" Sango asked, putting her arm casually over his shoulder. "It just oozes sex appeal."

"If not STDs," Inuyasha muttered under his breath.

Miroku wrapped his arm around Sango, cuddling her tight. "Just wait until I show you the basement."

Inuyasha would very much like to _not_ see the basement, thank you very much.

Suddenly, the front doors slammed open, a gush of wind forcing the four of them to stumble around. A loud, booming chuckle could be heard from the outside.

Naraku started to shriek. "I told you!" he cheered, as if now was the time to be winning a medal. "I told you!"

"Inuyasha!" the voice boomed out. Inuyasha was frozen to the spot, because this fucking dragon? Was massive. The front door only showed a total of seven scales. _Seven_. Then the scales shifted and…oh…a mouth. And teeth. Lovely.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" the dragon cooed, laughing rather evilly.

Great. Just bloody fucking great. The dragon coming to kill him was not only a massive fucking monster, but also one who seemed to be infatuated with the game Hide and Go Seek. Fantabulous. Really.

Hell was just _awesome_.

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><p><em><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>_

_Orane:_ Thank you very much, I hope you enjoyed this one!

_No OnE: _Wow, thank you :) I appreciate it!

_EndlessIdeas: _Thanks hun! The next chapter is coming very soon ;)

_Random-Human-Reviewer: _Hahahahahaha. You never fail to make me laugh. It is a bit worrying, isn't it? I have a few ideas for it but I'm trying to get a feel for how much insanity these lovely reviewers can take. I can think up some pretty interesting things... Like next chapter, for example :) ! (Or, I hope it's interesting...) Thank you darling!

_xsachi:_ It wouldn't let me respond to you via PM, so I'll just message here! Thank you very much! Their characters will be interesting to write, so we'll see what happens!

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><p><em>Again, this story will be updated once more during the <span>Twelve Days of Witchyness<span>, and maybe even a third time (because one of the one-shots I was writing was just too anti-Christmas/happiness for my liking) if I can't think up anything else. Anyone have any ideas on what I should write? Send them my way! Also, if you're not sure, my homepage has a list of all of the stories I'm planning on updating during this time, so you can see what types of stuff I'm doing._

_Feedback is love :)_

_And what is coming for tomorrow, you ask? Hmm... Well, I can tell you that in this little (massive) one-shot, Inuyasha and Kagome are fated to be together :)_


	7. Of Cries and Curses

**_Author's Note:_**_ Day 5 of the Twelve Days of Witchyness. I didn't have time to finish HTKM and I simply couldn't fail. Plus, this chapter is probably the first to have amused me. So._

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Seven: Of Cries and Curses<strong>

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><p>"Holy shit you were right!" Sango yelled, looking to face Naraku. "How did you do that?"<p>

"A vision, I told you I had a vision!" Naraku whined.

And now? Not so much the time for whining.

"What the fuck do we do?" Inuyasha screamed. Yes, _screamed_. You start being attacked by a fucking dragon and _not scream_. Go ahead. Try it. TRY IT YOU FUCKERS.

"Inuyasha, come on out!" The dragon laughed then, the voice so deep it sounded like an echo in a volcano. Which, really, was pretty close to accurate because dragons breathed fire and volcanoes had lava and really? When that shit's on you, you don't compare and contrast the differences while dying.

Which, he soon would be doing.

"Get me out of here!" Inuyasha started to run towards the back, because that was the best way, right?

Miroku didn't seem to think so. He grabbed Inuyasha's arm, pushing him into the wall. The wind from the dragon's wings or breath or whatever the hell the shit was coming from made it hard to hear. "YOU NEED TO RUN INTO THE OPEN FIELD!" Miroku shouted, looking very serious for the first time in the very long hour Inuyasha knew him. "YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME!"

"TRUST YOU? FUCK YOU!" Inuyasha shouted back. "NO FUCKING WAY!"

"DO IT! I'LL KILL THE DRAGON BUT YOU NEED TO RUN INTO THE FIELD AND LURE HIM TO MY TRAPS!"

Inuyasha was terrified. His knees were buckling, his body was shaking and he couldn't be sure but maybe he wasn't falling over due to the massive gushes of wind blowing through the house. It could just as likely be happening from his lack of spine, which ran out on him at the mention of _dragon_. "I CAN'T DO IT!" He was close to crying. Holy shit, he was going to do it. This was bad. This was very, very bad.

"YOU HAVE TO. I HAVE YOUR BACK INUYASHA!" Miroku yelled, pulling his one arm up in a salute. Why the hell he was saluting the half-demon was beyond all hope of reason. Inuyasha in particular thought it was more terrifying than reassuring. Aren't the heroes in movies that get saluted _always_ the ones the die horribly to save their country? AREN'T THEY?

He didn't have time to contemplate it, because Miroku was suddenly grabbing his wrists and dragging him through rooms that were just too ugly to process. A back door was suddenly in sight, and despite the fact that Inuyasha dug in his heels, Miroku simply had the help of the wind to pull him forward. Inuyasha watched in horror as Miroku opened it, gesturing for the half-demon to run. "TRUST ME!"

Inuyasha shook his head, because _no no no no nononononononono._ This wasn't happening. Jesus lord, this wasn't happening. Oh god. Oh god. OH GOD.

Suddenly, as if meant to be, the wind picked up. Inuyasha had nothing holding him, nothing stopping him from flying through the open doorway. He landed on his face in the mud, outside in a field. He was going to die. He was going to die.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE INUYASHA!" Miroku screamed. "RUNNNN!"

And Inuyasha had no choice. He picked himself up and started to run into the open field. He could hear a deep laugh, the wind dancing around him like tornadoes. Oh god, the dragon was following him, wasn't it? OH GOD HE WAS GOING TO DIE. HE WAS TOO YOUNG. TOO YOUNG FOR THE WORLD TO HURT HIM SO.

He kept running, feeling his breath grow short, his body hurt. His lungs were screaming at him for more air but he couldn't get it, couldn't get enough of it. Inuyasha knew though that if he stopped he was dead meat. The dragon was going to eat him, just like Naraku had said. If only he had listened to that blue eye-shadow-wearing freak in the first place, maybe this wouldn't be going down. Maybe he would've hidden out with Kagome. Surely she stayed somewhere nice and safe, dragon free? Or maybe there was a dragon-free zone in Hell. If individuals could style their house like an 80's porno, surely to god there was a dragon-free zone. Dammit, he should've paid attention. If he could go back in time, he'd kiss Naraku and then run, run for the motherfucking hills.

He didn't think anything had been more terrifying than this moment. As a cop when he was alive, he had run into plenty of bad situations. There were crackheads and prostitutes and knife-wielding psychopaths and chicks that needed a head check as bad as they needed a shower. But this? Nothing could compare to this. Of course it would only happen in Hell, because Hell just loved to fuck with you. And it was fucking with Inuyasha alright. Up the fucking ass.

Inuyasha screamed again. He screamed until his throat was hoarse, hoping the cries would make him run harder, faster. Everything was black – maybe night in Hell finally settled in – and he couldn't see much. It was like a void, a dark endless void of death.

There was a boom, a crack, and suddenly everything was white. Inuyasha jumped into the air, terrified as his feet lost his footing on the way down. He crashed, falling, falling, falling and hitting the earth once more. Inuyasha rolled around on his back, golden eyes wide at what he saw.

The dragon was in the air, nearly above him. Fireworks burst into the sky – _boom, boom, boom_ – one after the other. It was beautiful as much as it was fucking frightening. The dragon was massive, as wide as a football field's length and twice as long. The scales gleamed colours of reds, blues and greens as the fireworks continued to go off – _boom, boom, boom_.

This couldn't be happening. This plan couldn't actually be working.

Inuyasha tilted his head, seeing the mansion not too far away. In the light from the inside, he could see two figures stepping out, massive tubes on their shoulders. What the hell were they carrying?

"We're coming to save you Inuyasha!" Sango yelled, her voice somehow carrying over the booms and cracks of fireworks. Or maybe it was just his imagination. Very possibly it was his imagination.

"TAKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER!"

Inuyasha watched as both Miroku and Sango got on one knee, the tubes aiming for the dragon in the sky. They didn't need to aim too much; if you missed a dragon of that size, you shouldn't be shooting anything. Then another crack could be heard, the sound of air whooshing as two objects flew through the sky.

Holy shit. Bazookas. Okay, maybe he had a chance of living after all.

The dragon roared as the bazooka missiles hit him, an explosion so massive filling the sky. Inuyasha could only lie there and take the scene in, hoping and praying that the dragon bit the dust.

Of course, what was up had to come down. And the dragon? It was right over top of him.

"OH MY GOD! HOLY FUCKER!" Inuyasha watched as the dragon fell. The wings were fanning out, useless as the massive creature plummeted back to the earth. If he thought he was dead before, he was certainly dead now. The dragon was going to undoubtedly crush him, and even if he got up and moved it wouldn't be far enough away.

Closing his eyes, Inuyasha prayed.

The crash of the dragon to the earth echoed through the land. The ground shook mightily, nearby trees collapsing and breaking. There were screams coming from the house, the high-pitched one most likely from Naraku, and Inuyasha tried not to think about how much he was going to miss that guy.

…How can you think if you're dead?

Inuyasha cracked an eye open, taking in his surroundings. There was nothing on top of him. There was…_nothing on top of him_. He looked up and–

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Inuyasha shrieked. _Shrieked_ because the demon was looking at him straight in the eye. His mouth was partially open and oh god, the dragon survived fucking _bazooka missiles_ so he was not going to die and Inuyasha _was_. The dragon didn't die but Inuyasha was going to and- and-

"Hello Inuyasha," the dragon said, mouth opening absurdly wide as it talked.

The half-demon was frozen in terror. "Wh-what?"

For a second, the dragon looked confused before shaking its massive head and trying again. Slowly, the tip of one of the dragon's massive claws came right in front of his face, so close he could feel the heat radiating off of it. "Hello Inuyasha, how do you do?"

Inuyasha didn't say how did he did, because he passed out is what the fuck what.

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><p><strong><em>Comments to Acknowledge<em>**

_InuKag4eva: _Haha well I hope this...kind of not really sums it up? Thank you my dear :D

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><p><em>Feedback is appreciated :) Happy holidays everyone! Tons more to come.<em>


	8. Of Basements and Babbling

**_Author's Note: _**_Sorry this took so long. Sorry for any spamming I've done the past through days - I've been trying to catch up on all of my emails!_

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Of Basements and Babbling<strong>

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><p>Inuyasha couldn't tell where he was. It was warm, and whatever he was lying on was definitely soft. It was…almost fluffy. And where in Hell would something be fluffy? His eyes were closed but the half-demon could tell there was a bright light in the room. It tried to force its way through the crack along his lids. Where was he? What…what happened?<p>

The half-demon tried to remember, thinking back to see Miroku and Sango's house and…the dragon.

"I wasn't wrong, you have to believe me!"

"What are you talking about, of course you were wrong!"

"No, what I saw was _exactly_–"

Inuyasha groaned. He barely knew them twenty-four hours and he could already tell which one was which. That probably didn't say good things, especially since those voices were cutting into his skull.

"You're awake!" The sigh of relief was evident from Naraku's lips, and Inuyasha cracked his eyes open. Moments later the blinding light had subsided and Inuyasha looked around the room. It was pretty damn difficult since Naraku was practically on top of him, but whatever. "Are you okay babycakes? Do you need anything? Water? Food? Heroin?"

"Will you all shut up?" Inuyasha grumbled, slowly bringing his hand up to his head. "What happened?"

Naraku twitched, like he was about to burst.

"You passed out," Sango began to speak, only to be practically be mauled by Naraku. Her screams were like bolts of electricity to his foggy mind and soon Miroku was there, arm pulling back to punch to the fortune teller in the face.

"He said to shut up!" Naraku explained, looking at the couple like they were insane. They were – they _all_ were – but that was beside the point.

Miroku stared blankly at Naraku before clapping his hands and looking at Inuyasha. "You passed out when Ryukotsusei came to say hi," the man stated, faking a punch when Naraku got near. "He felt really bad for scaring you. He wasn't nearly as terrifying when he was alive."

Inuyasha could only process so much, but it was the last sentence that threw him. "Then if he wasn't so terrifying, why is he in Hell?"

"He killed seven people a few centuries back." Sango shrugged. "Serial killers tend to end up here, no matter what year they're from."

Oh good. A serial killer. Inuyasha wanted to pass out. "So he turned into a dragon when he came here?"

"You turned into a grandpa," Naraku pointed out, grinning and smacking loudly on his bubble gum. "What with the silver hair and all." Apparently, he wasn't afraid of speaking anymore. The horror.

Shaking his head, Inuyasha held out his hand to block out the fortune teller's face. "You don't get to talk to me. You lied."

"No!" Naraku whined, sounding rather petulant. "I wasn't _wrong_! I may have just…added the ending a bit incorrectly."

"Added the ending?" Inuyasha yelled, wincing from the volume. "What exactly did your vision consist of then?"

For a minute, the greasy-haired man looked like he wasn't going to say anything. All it took was another feign of a punch from Miroku to have him stepping back and babbling all over the place. "I saw this dragon, right, flying in the sky and chasing Inuyasha! I saw the fireworks, the explosions and then the dragon fell down on top of him! At first, I thought that was the end. But then I could hear Inuyasha yell and the dragon's mouth opened wide and…"

Inuyasha was leaning so far forward on the bed listening to the fortune teller's story that when nothing came out of the ending he nearly toppled off. "And _what_?" the half-demon growled.

"Nothing," Naraku replied, shrugging sheepishly. "I just saw his mouth open and then he swung his head down like he was about to eat you."

"Only the vision ended?" Sango asked, shaking her head. "So you thought he ate Inuyasha instead of said hello?"

Bubble gum loudly popped in the room. "Yup, pretty much." At the look the three of them gave him, Naraku rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Hey! How was I supposed to know? I see a fucking _dragon_ with its wide open mouth and I'm supposed to think it's coming to say 'Hey champ, what's up?'"

"It was actually 'how do you do'," Inuyasha pointed out, sliding off of the fluffy bed – the blanket on top was pink and horrendous – before taking in the room. What he saw was…devirginizing to his eyes. "Is this…?"

Miroku grinned and wrapped his arm around Sango to slap her ass. "Welcome to the Play Pen, Inuyasha!"

The half-demon twitched. Those words would forever be burned into his mind. The Play Pen consisted of hideous retro and neon colours with paisley patterns on the couches. The shag rug was atrocious but what was even worse was the…the…the _chains_. "Please tell me these are Halloween decorations that were never taken down?"

"Who in their right mind would put Halloween decorations in the basement?" Miroku scoffed. "No, this is our room for sexual expression."

"Sexual–" Inuyasha choked, jumping up and getting back on the bed. There was _shag carpet_ and who knew what crap was buried in there? Oh god, was it ever cleaned? _Oh GOD._

"I never pictured him as a prude," Sango commented lightly, which got a giggle from Naraku. Of course the fucking man would giggle; he was wearing blue sparkling _eye shadow_, for the love of god. Or the devil. OR WHATEVER.

Inuyasha opened his mouth to respond but all that came out was a squeak, because he realized he was _sitting on a bed in the Play Pen where there was CLEARLY WELL-USED SEX TOYS AND CHAINS. _Oh god. Oh god.

"Did you want to see the closet?" Miroku asked. "Hey! We can hook you up with one of these when we find a place for you!" He sounded so excited. It was possibly more terrifying than The Dragon Incident.

Inuyasha blinked. His golden eyes tried to see where this closet was, but all that he saw were chains on the walls, leather bands tucked into corners and a random assortment of toys littering shelves. It was his second sweep of the room that he noticed the video camera in the one corner. Oh, and the second one in the other– Ah, make the three– _Four_. "It's a fucking brothel here."

Sango sighed. "I don't think he gets it."

"It's not a brothel," Miroku explained, although he didn't seem as annoyed by the idea as Sango was. "It's a Play Pen. It is extremely different. I love sex. Sango loves sex. Sex loves toys."

"Thanks for clearing that up." Inuyasha may have cried a little inside. Could you possibly commit internal suicide? "Can we…go now?"

"Oh yes! You'll have to talk to the dragon! He's been waiting outside for you since you passed out!" Naraku said, grinning widely.

"The dragon has a name," Sango pointed out rather bluntly. "You screwed up the vision of him, so for fuck's sake get the name right." She turned to Inuyasha, her long black hair shifting over her shoulder. "It's Ryukotsusei."

Inuyasha groaned, wondering how awful Hell could actually get. "Why? Why does he want to see me?"

"Beats me," Miroku replied, reaching out a hand to pull the half-demon from the bed. "While you do that, Sango and I will look for a few places for you to live in. We'll need about a day or two but trust me," the man said, winking, "we'll find you a lovely spot."

It was not something he particularly wanted to hear. However, the hand that was stretched towards him promised salvation from the horror of the Play Pen, so salvation it was. Inuyasha forced a smirk to his face. "Sounds good."

It wasn't good. It was the farther fucking thing from good. Inuyasha followed Miroku and Sango towards the back of the house – and if they thought they were being inconspicuous with the ass-grabbing, they were _so_ wrong. Naraku was skipping behind him, humming something ridiculous that made Inuyasha want to scream. Singing a fucking pop tune while about to face a dragon? No thank you. He wanted to hear something with actual talent before he died, fuck you very much.

"Don't be scared of him," Sango said suddenly, and it wasn't until the half-demon crashed into her that he realized they were already at the backdoor. "He was very depressed that he scared you so much."

Blinking rather stupidly, Inuyasha tried to make the connection between serial killer, dragon and depression due to scaring a man such as himself. It didn't add up. Naraku's half-vision still had the potential to have the ending it had always imagined. "Right, so what do I do? Go up and ask him how he is? How's the weather? Thanks for flying by, I've always wanted to shit myself while running?"

Miroku laughed hysterically, grabbing Inuyasha's shoulders and shoving him out the door. "Don't be stupid. Everyone knows you can't shit in Hell."

Well. That was some fine information Inuyasha did not need to hear like that. "Just like you can't die?"

"Exactly," Naraku piped up from behind. "You can only be endlessly tortured. I saw a guy get hacked to bits once and he survived. Apparently he woke up the next morning back together. Handy, isn't it?"

Jesus fuck. Inuyasha bolted out of the door so fast he didn't even stop to realize the consequence of his action. There was a sudden roar, a gust of wind and before Inuyasha had time to scream again there was a large, scaly face in front of him.

"Good morning, Inuyasha," Ryukotsusei said, all of his pointy teeth coming to visit as he smiled. Inuyasha assumed he was trying to look innocent, harmless and charming. Instead it looked wicked, painful and evil. Then again, _he was in Hell._ "I'm terribly sorry for scaring you last night." The dragon almost sounded sheepish. _SHEEPISH_. What fucking twisted dimension was this?

"Uh, don't worry about it," Inuyasha replied, completely at a loss. "I'm sorry we got off to such a bad start. You know, with the bazooka missiles and everything."

Massive shoulders seemed to shrug, tightly curled in wings spreading a little as Ryukotsusei tilted his head. "Is that what those were?" Ryukotsusei laughed. "I thought one of those flying buses hit me again. It makes me feel all tingly inside."

Oh good. Bazooka missiles equalled out to flying buses. Why the ever-loving fuck was Hell so screwed up? "Did you want to talk to me about something?"

Red eyes widened at him, the smile getting so big Inuyasha thought one impulsive deep breath and he'd be sucked in and eaten. "Why yes! I did! I wanted to discuss your future ruling as Ruler of Hell," Ryukotsusei said, sounding rather pleased. "As it happens, I'm quite awesome at mutilation and torture. Pre-Hell killing was my specialty but…" The dragon shrugged again, wings furling out farther. "The No-Dying Clause and all makes that difficult for anyone to master, evil or not. Still, I would like to give you my resume and apply for the Removal Captain position."

"Wait, _what_?" Inuyasha had been a cop when he was alive. Hearing these things coming from a _dragon's mouth_ about killing people and being an expert at it, well, it wasn't good. But a Removal Captain? "What's a Removal Captain?"

"One who removes annoying people," Ryukotsusei replied calmly. "I thought remove would be a better word for mutilate and torture."

"Ah." Very well then. "Well, I'm not going to be the Ruler of Hell. I'm waiting for my appeal to get back into Heaven."

Ryukotsusei suddenly laughed, the booming sound plus the huff of his breath sending Inuyasha flying back into the house. It hurt like a bitch and the silver-haired man cursed as black dots danced across his vision. "Oh no! Oh no! I'm _so_ sorry!" Ryukotsusei mumbled, the small point of his claw going around his back and bringing him closer. His right wing suddenly covered him, the left one lightly flapping over top to bring some fresh air his way. "I forgot my size and power. Again, those are both pros to choosing me as Removal Captain. I'm also handy to ride if you'd like to survey your land."

"Heaven," Inuyasha mumbled, feeling far too confused. "I'm going–"

"I guess your Neutral never told you about the benefits then, did they?" Ryukotsusei said quietly, trying to make up for smashing him into a wall. "Do you have a Neutral?"

"Yeah, Kagome," Inuyasha replied slowly. "What benefits are you talking about?"

Ryukotsusei grinned at that, and when he was finished talking, Inuyasha's mind was whirling.

"No," the half-demon said, eyes dancing with things that sounded…too good to be true.

"Oh yes," the dragon replied. "And as your Removal Captain, I can guarantee it."

Inuyasha had to think about this seriously, he knew. But the ideas, the power… He smirked, and not for the last time.

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><p><em><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>_

_Whoobonhooaglo:_ Hahaha NO, it's not. Although, I didn't think of him while thinking up Naraku. I thought... DIDN'T HE HAVE EYE SHADOW IN THE TV SERIES? NO? My imagination may have taken a vacation. OH WELL! Thank you darling!

_InuKag4eva:_ Well I hope this chapter kind of explained that for you! Although, I think Ryukotsusei is pretty BAMF. Thanks so much!

_EndlessIdeas:_ Thank you very much hun :D

_Random-Human-Reviewer:_ My brain has a hard time computing everything as of late. I know how you feel. YOUR BRAIN EXPLODED LIKE THE FUCKING MISSILES? IT'S OKAY. OUR BRAINS CAN EXPLODE TOGETHER. Wait! No. That sounded AWFUL. Whatever. We cool ;) And sweetie, you can review whenever you want. Life is full of craziness and busyness. I expect mine is no worse than others - although, mine fucking sucks the big one at times (was that too crude? My male friends I think has lowered my speaking standards). Thanks darling *hearts*

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><p><em>Feedback is like bazooka missiles. They help me when I've fallen on the ground, they're inspiring, and like Ryukotsusei, they make me feel all tingly inside :D<em>


	9. Of Dementors and Dementia

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Of Dementors and Dementia<strong>

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><p>Hell was awesome.<p>

Inuyasha was going to die.

He walked back into the mansion, feeling the house shake as Ryukotsusei's wings thrust the air against the building. That had been possibly the most terrifying hour of his entire afterlife – _hahahahaha_. Yeah right.

No, it certainly was the most terrifying, but it was pretty fucking horrific. Inuyasha had to pull whatever lessons he had learned in The World of the Living to the forefront of his mind. Acting was not natural to him. Of course, the dragon telling him all of the "benefits" of Hell would undoubtedly refresh his memory. Inuyasha thought he should win a fucking Oscar for his performance.

The "benefits" were nothing more than a lot of ways to rule Hell and live an awesome life as a devilish king. It was kind of cool…until you got to the part where you had to kill thirty people, have a skull in your basement, sleep in a coffin and then jump into a fiery pit known as The Incinerator.

So yeah. It just wasn't fucking happening.

The only little problem with the _not fucking happening_ bit was that he had learned everything from a dragon that wanted to be a goddamn Removal Captain. Said dragon specialized in torture and mutilation. Said dragon had patiently explained all of the _benefits_ to being the Ruler of Hell for at least forty minutes. Said dragon could kill him by breathing too hard.

Forcing a smirk to his face and nodding? It was a sacrifice Inuyasha would make to preserve his afterlife. He may have died yesterday, but he was not a fucking tool.

"Hey baby, how was your little chit-chat?" Naraku asked when Inuyasha finally found Miroku and Sango's kitchen. It still looked horrible with all of the colours and – oh god was the counter made of plastic? – but there was the very distinct smell of coffee. Naraku's grin was so wide; Inuyasha knew he had been caught. "Want some?"

"Please," Inuyasha mumbled, going to the seat beside Naraku as the fortune teller got up to get the coffee pot. "Just milk, please."

Naraku laughed. "There's no milk in Hell, only cream."

_Seriously? _"Whatever then. Are Miroku and Sango out?"

"Already searching for your place, yeah," Naraku replied. He handed the black coffee over to Inuyasha, studying him for a moment. "You look a little panicked."

"I'm in Hell," the half-demon responded. "Why should I _not_ panic?"

Shrugging, Naraku sat back down and took another sip of his coffee. "Hell is not that bad of place, you know? It's not that much different from Heaven to be honest. Okay, so the people are nicer, you can't be hurt in any way _and_ they have milk. Otherwise, it's pretty similar. You live your afterlife the way you want to."

Inuyasha's mind went back to that promise, thinking of the words that Ryukotsusei spoke not too long ago. "The dragon thought I should be Ruler of Hell."

"Well, you'd be a good one," Naraku stated, eyeing him seriously. Which, to be frank, wasn't serious at all because of the goddamn blue eye shadow. "Have you heard from Kagome yet?"

"Not since she disappeared like Aladdin's genie." He still couldn't believe it. "Why can she poof like that?"

"It's a Neutral thing. They can poof anywhere they want to, but apparently it's pretty weird to feel. She can't take others though, only herself, and it's hard for her to poof to a location other than her office. Hell's landscape frequently changes depending on which fire pit decides to explode on what day."

Oh good. Fire pit explosions. "Are those dangerous?"

Naraku waved a hand dismissively. "Not unless one lands on you and the chances are like, 1 in 3 or something as equally low."

Inuyasha's hand was frozen around the coffee cup. "That's your idea of _low_?"

"Hell, Inuyasha," Naraku murmured. "You are spending your eternity in Hell."

Touché.

Naraku continued on with an exaggerated sigh, obviously seeing the disgruntled look on the half-demon's face. "You seem to forget that you can't _die_ in Hell. It's painful as fuck, yes, but you'll eventually blackout because the pain is too much and then you'll wake up fully healed. Will you still be in pain? Yes. But you'll be healed. It's the natural way of things."

"I don't think the word 'natural' should be in any sentence with the word 'Hell'."

Grinning, the fortune teller put his coffee down. "I think I need to show you a good time."

Holy hell that better not be a pick up line. Inuyasha nearly spit out the gulp of coffee that was in his mouth. "What?" he squeaked, coughing a little.

"Finish up and I'll show you all of the hot spots in Hell." Naraku suddenly laughed, like his joke about hot spots and Hell was the funniest shit ever.

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><p>Inuyasha stared at the ground below, wondering how this was his afterlife. "Explain this to me again, please."<p>

Naraku slid in the clip, checking the magazine before grinning. The gun in his hand made him look even scarier. "We're shooting things."

"Are you _kidding me_?" Inuyasha exclaimed. "I will not shoot anyone! I was a fucking cop when I was alive!"

"We're not shooting people, moron," Naraku replied, rolling his eyes. "You're such a drama queen."

The words were offensive, especially coming from _him_. "I have perfect aim," Inuyasha reminded him. "And I will shoot you if I want to."

"And I've been in Hell for a lot longer than you," Naraku pointed out. "My inhibitions are a lot lower and I will shoot you too."

"That's a lie. You love me."

Naraku grinned, still wicked. "Maybe a little."

"It was a joke," Inuyasha said, removing the safety on the weapon. "And what are we aiming at?"

"Dementors." The way Naraku cackled afterwards didn't lessen the ridiculousness of the situation.

"Dementors…like in Harry fucking Potter? You've got to be kidding me."

"What's Harry fucking Potter?" Naraku asked out. "Is that some new artwork of The World of the Living? A new name for some beast that likes pottery and doesn't shave? _What_? Give a guy a clue here."

Inuyasha closed his eyes. Seriously. This was his afterlife: holding a gun about to shoot things that only existed in Harry Potter, and with a fortune teller with blue eye shadow that had a questionable sexual orientation. At least none of this was boring.

The fortune teller gave a confused look before peering over the building and down towards the busy streets. There were demons walking about – some of them human-looking while others not so much. "Dementors are weird things," Naraku started, poking at Inuyasha's chest to get his attention. "They look like little tiny ghosts – only they're black with red eyes – and if they land on top of your head you go insane and die within twenty-four hours."

"Aren't we already dead?" Inuyasha peered over the building too, seeing nothing that fit the description of weird, tiny black ghosts floating around.

"Well, you die as much as you can," Naraku snapped, seeming a little irritated. "I knew a guy who knew a guy that had gone so crazy he jumped into a vat of nuclear waste that took thirty-two hours to burn off his scales. And it was so thick he couldn't swim out of it either."

"Then wouldn't he have drowned–"

"It was a guy of a guy!" Naraku yelled, poking the silver-haired man again. "You can't expect these stories to always be on the ball. Besides, thirty-two hours of agony."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "All I heard was scales."

"He was a _demon_ I tell you!" Naraku screamed, twitching. "Do you have to question _everything_?"

He had a perfectly good answer to that. Inuyasha gave one look at his gun, about to say the words 'I used to be a cop' when something black flew through the air. Falling to his ass, Inuyasha looked up at the grey sky, golden eyes trying to find where it was.

"They're here!" Naraku cheered gleefully, readying the gun and looking over the ledge. "Oh my god, there are at least _ten_! This is like a vacation." His gun crossed over his body, hanging over the edge and then suddenly there were gunshots, _tons of them_. He paused momentarily to grin. "Dementors are one of the few things that actually die in Hell because they were born in Hell so… It's all fun times."

"What?" Inuyasha yelled. He went to stand up, but there was something floating around him, circling him on all sides. Inuyasha waved his arms around, catching something that felt oddly soft before a loud shriek made him drop it.

"HELLO!" There was a face in his face. _A face in his face_ and what the _fucking loving mother_ _was that_? It was a ghost-like thing alright, but it truly looked more like the ghosts from Pac-Man. It had big white eyes with a single tiny dot of red. Holy shit they were fucking terrifying. "CAN I EAT YOU?"

What kind of question was that? What the hell were these creepy things?

"DEMENTOR!" Naraku shrieked suddenly and then there was the loud, booming sound of a gunshot. Inuyasha fell back to the ground, clutching his ear because _holy fucking shit _that was loud. Turning his head to the side, he saw the dead, lifeless eyes of the dementor Naraku just shot and killed.

"Help! Inuyasha help me!"

Grabbing his gun, Inuyasha sat up and took in the situation. There were four dementors, all swarming around the fortune teller's head. This was a matter of life or death – or was it afterlife and quasi-death? Regardless, it was time to kick ass and Inuyasha had to clean up this mess or risk getting eaten by Pac-Man's arch enemies.

He raised the gun, firing over and over. He watched them fall, their psychotic eyes staring at him in wonder as they plummeted over the building and to the ground below. And then there was another that flew high into the sky, soaring upwards until Inuyasha shot it down.

Naraku's shrieking had ended and he stood up, running over to Inuyasha to offer a hand. "Oh-em-gee, that's never happened before! Usually they're relatively passive! It's like shooting teddy bears who want to suck your soul until you go crazy!"

Inuyasha grimaced. "Really? Teddy bears? In case you didn't know, those were not teddy bears!"

"No, they were not." The feminine voice made both the fortune teller and the half-demon pause, their eyes wide as they slowly went from looking at each other to the owner of the voice.

"Oh, that explains the crazy," Naraku commented, pointing at the woman in a black dress with a large, floppy black hat on her head. "Their mother was around. They like to look all awesome and powerful, you know, to show off."

"Their mother?" Inuyasha hissed. "The fucking Pac-Man ghosts have a mother?"

"Pac-Man?" Naraku tilted his head. "You seriously need to stop pulling these weird names out of your ass. You confuse me."

"Enough!" the woman shouted, and wow, was it more like a growl. "You killed by babies!"

"Those were some fucked up children," Inuyasha pointed out, raising his gun. "Now walk away."

"Uh, Inuyasha?" Naraku didn't sound too confident right then. "You should put down the gun. Dementias don't like it when guns are aimed at them."

"Not many living creatures do, so I'd imagine afterliving creatures don't either." Inuyasha smirked.

"Omhna-helsph, stah–"

"What is she doing?" Inuyasha asked, looking at Naraku. The fortune teller looked at him with big eyes. "What is she doing?"

"Shoot her!" Naraku yelled. "She won't die but _shoot her_!"

"Mono-reskalf, stah-tah-melfoy!"

Everything went black and yet, the smirk was still on his face.

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><p>"Hold on babycakes!" Naraku screamed. "Hold on! I'll save you!"<p>

Inuyasha felt like his world was spinning. Was this the almost-dying thing that Naraku had explained? Did he go crazy and jump into a big bowl of nuclear waste too?

"Please don't let it be bad, don't let it be bad, don't let it be bad, don'tletitbebad, don'tletitbebad, don'tletitbebad…" Naraku was chanting over and over, words that no longer made sense.

The half-demon couldn't move, couldn't think, and soon darkness took him in again.

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><p>"What do you mean you went and got him <em>cursed<em>?" Kagome was screaming now. And when had they gotten there? Inuyasha wanted to speak, to say something but he couldn't. His eyes wouldn't even open.

"It was the dementia! How would I know she was shopping for clothes in the store we were sitting above?" Naraku was yelling back, clearly scared. "What kind of curse is it? Is it bad? Can you save him?"

Kagome sighed. "You owe me _so big_, Inuyasha. And you too Naraku! I swear that this isn't over!"

Inuyasha had no clue what was going on. He couldn't even see; his eyelids were too heavy. He could only hear the voices, listen to the so–

Kagome kissed him.

…Or he hoped it was Kagome anyways.

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><p><strong><em>Comments to Acknowledge<em>**

_Random-Human-Reviewer: _Haha, I think it takes very specific people to not cringe at the thought of a Play Pen. Unfortunately, you now know which one I belong haha. Well...we'll just stop here. Thank darling!

_Mae Mae: _I have not actually! I typically don't watch/read anime/manga, though I did a long time back. University kind of keeps me busy (as you can see from my lack of updates). But when I'm free for the summer I will definitely try! Thanks for the recommendation, and thank you for such a nice comment :)

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><p><em><strong>Author's Note:<strong> I'm doing this fun little meme at my homepage, where you pick any one of my completed stories and you pick a timeline, and I write a few hundred words about it. So far there's been mini-stories for_ Ineluctable (one month prior)_,_ So Now We'll Let the Rain Fall (six months later)_ and _Shaken, Not Stirred (two years later)_. Since FF is being its usual dumb self, remove the spaces and go here: witchygirl99 .livejournal .com and read the post "Meme Time!" for more details :)_

_Feedback, as always, is love._


	10. Of Smirks and Stripteases

_**Author's Note: **I am back. Officially. School is over (I just have exams now) and I have a ton of time to write. This is just the first update of many to come._

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Ten: Of Smirks and Stripteases<strong>

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><p>Inuyasha came back slowly, head lolling against his shoulder as he tried to wake up. It was harder than it would normally be; his eyes were too heavy, body too languid. It took a long moment for him to finally realize he was sitting and not lying down. His neck was killing him and it was with a twinge of pain that the half-demon finally opened his eyes. "Wha–?"<p>

"It's okay babycakes," Naraku said instantly. He couldn't actually see the fortune teller's face but his hands were waving around. Inuyasha knew they were his because of the black nail polish. "I saved you."

Inuyasha blinked, taking his time examining where he was. It was an office – Kagome's office. It was back to the accented, metallic look. "What are we doing here?" He was trying to remember but it was coming back slowly, sluggishly. "Did I shoot something?"

"Many somethings," Naraku corrected. "We were out shooting Dementors when their mother appeared. You were cursed."

For a long moment, the half-demon thought he heard wrong. When Naraku just continued to look at him timidly, Inuyasha finally gave up. "Excuse me?"

"Cursed." The distinctly feminine voice came from behind and Inuyasha turned his head far too sharply. The crack he felt was borderline excruciating. "You pissed off a Dementia and ended up cursed, you moron. I tell you to be good and what happens? This happens." Kagome rolled her eyes.

"It was my fault," Naraku interjected, looking rather sheepish. "He needed a good time–"

"Shooting Dementors is your idea of a _good time_?" the Neutral asked incredulously. "No, you know what? Don't even. Ah!" She pointed at the fortune teller sternly when it looked like he was about to speak some more. "Shut up. I don't–! Shut up, Naraku."

Inuyasha's mind was possibly exploding. "Can someone please tell me what the flying fuck is going on?" He asked that question far too much. "What do you mean I'm cursed?"

"As in you're Sleeping Beauty cursed to sleep until true love's first kiss comes," Naraku answered, grinning. "That kind of curse. And you know what? I can actually say that–"

"I will castrate you." Kagome levelled her deadly glare in the fortune teller's direction.

"You kissed me," Inuyasha stated, somewhat dumbly. Kagome had kissed him and he had been mostly too looped out to really enjoy it.

Well damn.

"You were heading towards actually losing your mind," Kagome explained rather briskly, eyes studiously avoiding him. "It's the first part to a Dementia's curse. If you don't make it past the first sixty minutes, you go insane as well as suffer from whatever curse they put on you."

"And a kiss fixes it?"

Naraku shrugged. "I offered to but Kagome beat me to it. You're still cursed, but you won't be going insane along with it."

Fan-fucking-tastic. Inuyasha wasn't extremely bitter, not really. He was now just cursed, almost died due to hellish insanity and had been too messed up to revel in the fact that _Kagome kissed him_. She was hot enough and he really wouldn't have minded if that whole thing got repeated. Inuyasha smirked, _if only._

"I can still kiss you if you want."

Inuyasha's smirk didn't diminish, although his left eye kind of twitched. "Go stand in a corner until you cool off." He was extremely surprised when Naraku narrowed his eyes but listened, heading over to a small place in Kagome's office where her filing cabinet impeded the corner spot. It was close enough though, Inuyasha guessed, though why Naraku actually felt to listen to him for once was beyond the half-demon.

Kagome's sigh drew his attention, golden eyes heading towards her big leather chair. "Do you have any idea what this curse is?"

"No," Inuyasha replied, shrugging. "She was just chanting these weird words and then it all just kind of went away. I don't know what happened."

"Well what were you doing then, at that exact moment?"

How was he even supposed to remember? "Shooting at it?"

"Not true!" Naraku yelled. "You were too busy smirking and asking what the hell she was blabbing about."

"Well it's not like you were helpful!"

"Boys," Kagome snapped, rubbing at her face. "Can you please _stop_? This isn't helping."

"Why can't we just leave it alone?" Inuyasha asked. "I'm still in Hell so really, what's a curse going to do for me?"

"It's going to look bad to the Board of Directors for Heaven, that's what," Kagome pointed out. "You still have a while before it gets reviewed, but anything you do is going to be taken a careful look at. As your Neutral, I'm annoyed by you."

Inuyasha glared at Naraku. "This is your fault."

"Don't get your panties in a twist," Naraku commented flippantly. "We'll figure it out. I bet I'll even have a vision about it!"

"Oh god no," the half-demon groaned. "Not another vision. I'm still recovering from the last one. Waking up in the Play Room of Miroku and Sango's was disturbing to say the least."

"Just wait until you see inside the closet," Kagome added solemnly. Standing up, she made her way around the desk to sit on it, staring at Inuyasha. "Your eyes will be burning. Spontaneous combustion is a serious concern."

"It's not _that_ bad." Naraku sniffed disdainfully. "Just because you're a prude."

"I'm not a prude," Kagome replied, rolling her eyes. "Far from it."

The fortune teller smiled, far too pleased with the statement. "I don't see you doing a striptease at all." He jerked his thumb in the half-demon's direction. "You already kissed him so why not?"

"Get the hell out of my office," Kagome replied, shaking her head. "I swear you are the biggest pain in my ass. To actually say that–"

"Striptease!" Naraku chanted. "Striptease! Striptease!"

Inuyasha smirked. "Yeah, striptease, it's really no trouble for me. And while I question Naraku's opinion on the matter, I don't think he'd mind either."

For a second, Kagome's grip tightened on the desk. She blinked, her face crumpling a bit before she stood up and started…undoing the buttons on her suit jacket.

Slowly.

Seductively.

It was Inuyasha's turn to blink because holy crap, _this was happening._

"Stop me!" Kagome yelled, looking at the half-demon and the fortune teller with something akin to horror. "I feel compelled to striptease and I don't know _why_. Inuyasha, what did you do?"

"What did I do? I didn't do anything!" He felt somewhat indignant by the accusation, but he wasn't really complaining about the outcome. Her suit jacket was thrown somewhere behind her, the buttons of her blouse now almost completely undone. To Inuyasha's great disappointment, she had a tank top on underneath.

Well, if she felt compelled, maybe that would come off to.

Kagome rolled her hips and Naraku started off in a fit of giggles. "This isn't funny!" she snapped. "I don't _want _to do this!"

"You think it's the curse?" Naraku asked, coming from his spot in the corner. "Inuyasha, what are you thinking about right now?"

"I don't know!" Inuyasha yelled. He couldn't really take his golden eyes off the fact that the tank top was coming off and…

He really wasn't thinking about much of anything right now.

"Tell me to stop!" Kagome yelled. "Tell me or I swear to god I am going to stab you with so many knives and pencils that it will take you thirty years just to fish them all out and I will punish you to Hell for eternity. For _eternity_!"

That got his attention. "Stop."

Okay, so maybe he wasn't that forceful in his order. He didn't actually _want_ her to stop. If he was honest with himself, he was a bit disappointed this wasn't a private showing. Inuyasha smirked.

"It's not working." Kagome's hands slid down her body, resting on her jeans. Another roll of the hips and Inuyasha thought maybe he should go to the bathroom because this was going to get embarrassing _really fast_.

"Try again," Naraku said, his hands grabbing at Kagome's wrists to stop her. It totally didn't help, because she just moved around him like he was her own personal dance pole. Or her own personal makeup artist. He had the blue eye shadow for it anyways.

"Stop," Inuyasha repeated, really not meaning it. He had to go to the bathroom though, like _now_, because even if she did stop it wasn't going to end well.

Kagome froze, looking at Naraku with horror. "I'm not stripping anymore."

Naraku looked at Inuyasha then, narrowing his eyes. "There was only one difference between the two times he asked you to stop. Holy crap, beautiful, I think Inuyasha can order people around with a smirk."

Carefully folding his arms over his lap, Inuyasha tried to look nonchalant. It wasn't working, if by the way Naraku's eyed him was any indication. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Tell me to do something and smirk when doing it," Naraku said. He looked giddy, eyes bright with excitement. He was possibly getting off on this crap.

Inuyasha shrugged. "Uh, jump up and down ten times."

"With a _smirk_, baby, come on," he whined. "Do that sexy smirk thing."

Trying not to cringe instead of do what was asked, Inuyasha repeated his order. Suddenly, Naraku started to do it, gasping all the while. He looked like a kid on Christmas, which was absolutely fucking nuts.

"Son of a bitch," Kagome murmured, tugging her tank top back on as dignified as she could make it. "Naraku, tell me you're not just doing that for fun." Her suit jacket was next, and Inuyasha couldn't help but think she was putting it back on like armour.

The fortune teller bit his lip, a smile curling on his face. "This is…_awesome_!" He finished the ten jumps and then stopped, running to Inuyasha's side. "You can control minds! That's your curse! _YES_!"

"_That's_ a curse?" Inuyasha thought maybe everyone was on crack. "How is that something to be upset about? I can Darth Vader the shit out of people."

"Ever hear about King Midas?" Kagome asked, raising a brow. "A Dementia's curse isn't something to be proud of. It'll get you killed for sure."

This again. Why the hell did everything end up with some form of death? Maybe it was because they were in Hell but _really_, there was only so much he could handle. Could you die? Could you not? Would someone just make up their _goddamn fucking mind_? "But I'm already dead!"

"No, like really dead," Kagome replied, raising a brow. "You simply won't exist–"

Naraku ran over and slapped a hand over her mouth. "She's a buzzkill. Inuyasha, sweetie, _think of the possibilities_." The grin on his face was creepy it was so big. "Ruler of Hell doesn't seem too hard, now, does it?"

And Inuyasha? Well, he couldn't exactly think about anything other than Kagome doing a striptease. Yeah, he was still stuck there.

He really, _really_ needed to go to a bathroom.

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><p><em><strong>Comments to Acknowledge:<strong>_

_Ladybug: _Wow thank you so much! I'm glad you like the characters - I enjoy writing them! (Sorry I can't write your full penname; FanFiction always deletes it so I just left it at this).

_EndlessIdeas: _Thank you :D The award was definitely a surprise but I'm glad for it!

_CookieThief: _I'm happy you thought it was funny! I generally don't think I am :) Thank you!

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><p><em>Feedback is really appreciated. I won't be MIA for a long while now, promise.<em>


	11. Of Threats and Threeways

_**Author's Note:** I'm working my ass off to get all of my current ongoing stories FINISHED by this summer. Ambitious? Outrageously so. Possible? Potentially not. Worth it? It will be when I get to POST MORE STORIES OF LOVE._

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the World One Smirk at a Time)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eleven: Of Threats and Three-ways<strong>

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><p>This was a disaster.<p>

Inuyasha stared at himself in the mirror, smirking. It was unbelievable – it had to be untrue. He could…_ Could control people with his smirk_? How the hell did that work? How the hell was that a _curse_?

Dying seriously had messed up his life.

Turning on the faucet, Inuyasha let the lukewarm water splash in his hands. A few steadying breaths and then he dabbed at his face, trying to make this somehow more _real_. None of it really felt that way. Ever since he _died_ – and really, how's that for fucking statement of the year? – things had just been weird. He had met a gum-smacking fortune teller who wore blue sparkling eye shadow like it was going out of style. He had met two real estate agents who were apparently gun lovers, explosive aficionados and – even better – porn stars in a past life. He had met a fucking dragon. That didn't even _need_ another sentence.

And then he'd met Kagome, who he just…couldn't even figure out. She drove like she'd never been in a car before, apparently could poof into smoke like Aladdin's fucking genie, was a Neutral of everything afterlife related and…liked apples.

Inuyasha stared at his reflection in the mirror. It was making a funny face at him which, as Inuyasha reflected, was completely called for given the situation.

Naraku running in didn't help the facial expression improve at all. "Baby, what are you doing? We have places to go and people to kill!"

The half-demon shook his head. "Really, that's what you say right now?"

Cackling, Naraku all but dragged Inuyasha out of the bathroom, moving past a random Neutral working at her desk. Shoved rather forcefully, Inuyasha was back in Kagome's office, seeing the black-haired woman with her feet propped up on her desk and arms thrown over her face to cover her eyes. It was…quite the sight. Inuyasha was wondering if he could manoeuvre himself into a position where he could see up her skirt…

"I need help," Kagome mumbled, almost too quiet for the otherwise silent office. "You are like dealing with nuclear war. I tell you to be good, and what do you do? You get yourself cursed."

"I–"

"I don't want to hear your voice Inuyasha," Kagome cut in, still not moving her arm. Inuyasha didn't know if it was a good or bad thing that she wasn't glaring at him for once. "In fact, I think you two should go before I stab you with a pencil."

"Don't be like that, girlie," Naraku whined, pushing past Inuyasha to go to the Neutral's side. His hands started to massage her shoulders. Inuyasha tried not to be jealous. Really. "I know just what you need to fix this."

"Oh?" Kagome didn't sound like she cared in the slightest. "And what exactly is that?"

Naraku grinned wickedly. Inuyasha only had a second to narrow his eyes, but he couldn't even visually warn Kagome because her eyes were still properly closed. "You, my love, need to get _laid_."

Inuyasha may or may not have twitched.

Sighing dramatically, Kagome slowly dragged her arm off. Inuyasha waited. There was going to be blood for sure. Any second now, Naraku was going to be bleeding from the neck, or stabbed in the heart, or maybe attacked by a random monster like a motherfucking dinosaur. There were dragons, so why not dinosaurs?

Inuyasha prepared for the worst.

He wasn't nearly prepared enough.

"Yeah," Kagome replied, assenting. "You're probably right."

Mother of god.

"Uh–" _I can help with that._

Consolingly, Naraku patted the top of the Neutral's head. "You take care of that and we'll get out of your hair. I'll see you later? You never finalized our dinner date."

"Right, right," Kagome said, waving her hand. "Tomorrow at… I'm finished work at six, so how about seven? It'll give me time to change."

"Looking forward to it, girl," Naraku cheered, smiling at Inuyasha and grabbing his elbow. "Come on babycakes, let's celebrate."

Inuyasha stared at the fortune teller with wide eyes. "What the hell are we celebrating?"

"Your ability to make Hell bend to your _will_." Naraku giggled uncontrollably, tugging harder on his elbow before dragging them back up the ladder to the outside world. Inuyasha squinted as he came above ground once more, scanning to see the abandoned parking lot Naraku had shown him the first day he arrived. "Come on, let's test this theory!"

"What?" Inuyasha did not growl in annoyance as Naraku just grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and continued to tug him along. The roads were a busy, honking – and frankly bloody – mess but the half-demon did his best to ignore it. "We're not stealing another car are we?" Last time hadn't been so fun.

But the fortune teller just grinned. "Oh, we're not stealing _anything_ baby."

That was far more terrifying than possibly having Ryukotsusei the dragon falling on top of him. Possibly.

Inuyasha found out exactly what Naraku had meant by that when he was forcefully shoved into another demon, who was smoking on some cheap cigarette looking more like mud-caked bear. He was leaning on a vehicle though, a light blue pickup truck that had seen far better days. When Inuyasha looked at Naraku in blatant fear, the fortune teller just gave him two thumbs up. Like that would do anything if his head was being ripped off.

"Hi," Inuyasha started, trying really hard to stop the muscle in his jaw from twitching. He took a deep breath, hastily stepping back when the bear demon loomed closer, snarling.

"The fuck you want punk?" the demon demanded, taking another big, cement-pounding step. "You better fucking watch that mouth of yours."

"It would be a good time to do your thing!" Naraku pointed out unhelpfully. He may have potentially squeaked.

Forcing a smirk to his face, Inuyasha hoped it was good enough for the curse to consider it real. "Give me your pickup truck." He smirked harder.

The bear demon growled, looming bigger and more terrifying and Inuyasha _knew it_, Kagome had wanted to striptease because she wanted him bad, not because he was cursed! Not that he could do anything with the revelation because, frankly, this was his last moment in the afterlife. Amen.

Suddenly, the demon deflated. "Yeah, sure pal," he said dismissively, tossing over a very obviously stripped key. "Have a good time showing your girlfriend around." The bear demon leered at Naraku.

Inuyasha was suddenly unsure as to what was worse. "He is _not_ my–"

"How _DARE_ you insinuate I'm a _girl_!" Naraku yelled, cocking out his hip, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes. He effectively added to his point by blowing and popping a rather large, pink gum bubble. "You dirty whore, that's cruel of you! Like, I can see where you'd think him and I were together, because let's face it, you don't get chemistry like this anywhere else – but I have a very large dick in my pants and I will smack you with it if I have to prove it to you!"

Inuyasha smirked at the bear demon again, but this time he was possibly crying from the strain. "Go now," he ordered, and just like that, the demon was gone. Inuyasha raked a hand though his silver hair, trying not to put any images in his head. The Play Pen was _nothing_ compared to this.

"Well," Naraku started, grinning as he hopped into the open driver's side door. "I think that went rather well. Keys, please?"

His life. What the fuck was with it?

"Where–" It was hard moving past moments so possibly scarring, but he just had to try. "Where are we going?"

"To Sango and Miroku's mansion," Naraku stated, the _duh_ heavily implied. "While you were in the bathroom having your freak out earlier, I had a vision."

Oh fuck no. Not another one of those.

The fortune teller rolled his eyes at Inuyasha's expression. "Relax! It was only that they have news for you when we get there."

"What kind of news?" Surprises were not fun. Inuyasha hadn't taken kindly to them so far in Hell and he didn't expect it to get a whole lot better.

Naraku pursed his lips. "I can't say, babycakes. It's a surprise."

Fan-fucking-tastic. Inuyasha crossed his arms and tried desperately not to sulk in a non-manly way. This afterlife was _just not fair_.

Naraku groaned like he was suddenly being tortured. It was rather startling and quite offensive to Inuyasha's ears. "_FINE, _drag it out of me why don't you? You are insufferable Inuyasha, you won't let me keep any secrets, will you? They have a house for you!" Then Naraku cheered, fist pumping into the air while he brilliantly swerved around two cars while driving through a red light. There must be an award for that kind of shit somewhere.

The rest of the drive was far more terrifying and Inuyasha eventually just closed his eyes and pretended he was, rather simply, having a bad dream. When the pickup truck creaked to a halt as Naraku applied the brakes, Inuyasha dared to open his golden irises, taking in the scene around him. They were, in fact, up the driveway at Miroku and Sango's mansion. Inuyasha hadn't even gotten out of the car yet when the two real estate agents ran up to him, grinning.

"We found it!" Miroku announced, waving his arms in celebration. "Sango and I are rather pleased with ourselves actually. It's large, expensive and completely fitting for the future Ruler of Hell."

"I am not–"

"Show them your cool new powers!" Naraku interrupted, slapping a hand over Inuyasha's mouth to stop him. The fortune teller turned to eye Miroku and Sango, the grin on his face horribly wicked. "He was cursed by a Dementia and now every time he smirks and gives someone an order, they _have_ to do it. They are compelled, I tell you."

Sango narrowed her eyes, looking at Naraku in disbelief. "I highly doubt that. Do you even know how rare Dementias are? You sure you didn't just mistake it for another demon?"

"Sango!" Naraku whined, clearly displeased with the lack of trust. "It happened! We were shooting at Dementors for fun!" Taking his hand off of Inuyasha's mouth, he slapped the half-demon on the back. "Prove it to them!"

"I'm not doing anything," Inuyasha retorted. "Kagome said this whole thing was bad and the more I do it, I could get in trouble with Heaven. That's where I'm supposed to be going!"

Miroku smiled lecherously. "Ha, you won't be headed that way when you see the basement of your new pad."

Holy fuck. He had said _no_ to the Play Pen, hadn't he? _NO. NO. NO._

Laughing at his expression, Sango poked at Miroku's chest. "Don't terrify him; look he's blushing like a virgin." She turned kind eyes to them, magenta and beautiful, even if she was a bit daunting. "It's okay. If you don't want to use it, Miroku and I have no problems renting it from you."

Inuyasha seriously considered where the closest vat of acid was.

"_Baby_," Naraku whined, tugging at his shirt again and _oh god_, there was skin contact. Naraku had just touched – accidentally or not, who the fuck could tell? – his bare stomach and _no_, he was not okay with this level of sexuality from everyone around him. He was surrounded by hormonal porn stars, that's what it was. "Come on, please show them. Sango won't believe me if you don't prove it to her."

This was a bad idea. A very bad idea. "Fine." If it made Naraku stop tugging on his goddamn t-shirt, then he'd do almost _anything_. Unable to come up with anything more creative, Inuyasha smirked at Sango dangerously. "Perform a striptease like your life depends on it." It had worked on Kagome.

Miroku suddenly burst out laughing. He wasn't looking at his wife though, which was probably a good thing considering. He slapped Inuyasha hardily on the shoulder, shaking his head. "Man, that's bold. We've been married for years and I _still_ can't get her to do that. I know, I know, but she's a bit body conscious despite our fun time with toys and leather and–" Miroku turned around and then promptly shut up, his jaw open wide at the sight he was drinking in.

The way Sango moved was practically sinful. Her shirt was already off, pink bra flashing in the daylight while she whipped her shirt above her head like a goddamn lasso. Her hips swung in perfectly tight circles, like she was grinding down on some imaginary force. It was like she'd been stripping her whole fucking life and _loved it_.

Miroku actually whimpered when Sango threw her shirt, the material landing right on his shoulder. The real estate agent stared at Inuyasha for a long moment before he wrapped him in a tight hug. It was a bit awkward because seriously, Inuyasha had ordered a guy's wife to striptease but…

"How do you feel about three-ways?" Miroku asked, rather seriously.

You know that awkward moment when you get invited to have a threesome with people who you possibly considered to be potential friends? Yeah.

This right here. Fucking awkward.

"Please tell me there are vast amounts of alcohol in Hell," Inuyasha pleaded, turning his golden eyes to Naraku's red ones. "Please."

* * *

><p>There were, in fact, many bars. It was where they spent the rest of the day, getting absolutely shit-faced while Miroku and Sango fucked in every bathroom stall, Naraku groped Inuyasha's ass and <em>hey<em>, Ryukotsusei popped out of nowhere to be their DD – _designated dragon._

"Here you go!" a peppy bar server said, flashing her serpent-like eyes at him. She smiled coyly, probably trying to get a massive tip out of their group. Naraku choked the moment he saw the tab and Inuyasha nearly killed himself at the sight of it.

"How is a pint of beer _that expensive_? That's like buying a fucking couch when I was living!" Inuyasha exclaimed, staring at the bar server with horrid fascination. He was possibly a lot drunk and tipping over in his stool, but it was all okay.

He had a plan.

When the server came back and bent over, flashing her cleavage in his face, Inuyasha smirked devilishly at her. Heaven be damned, he was fucking drunk and not paying for alcohol that cost more than his entire apartment back when he was alive. "Hey darlin'," he drawled, staring straight at her. "I'm not paying for this."

And if Naraku started chanting _'Ruler of Hell! Ruler of Hell'_ over and over again, only to be joined by Miroku, Sango, Ryukotsusei and various other demonic drunks?

Well. Inuyasha thought he could possibly entertain the idea. It did, after all, come with some pretty great perks.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>_

_VanillaSweet:_ Well, this story idea was actually created by SaraRosa77 (formerly SuperGirl77). She asked me to generously write this amazing world she created. I'm the one that does all of the writing, and a lot of the character development, but the major plot points are all hers! That's why I have it as a co-written story! My other story ideas? The hell if I know... Songs, thoughts, dreams, staring at an elderly couple in a park (I shit you not, where do you think "As Fast As You Can" came from?). I am a bundle of ridiculousness, and we shall leave it at that :D Thanks darling!

_CookieThief:_ I'm...funny, I guess, but not in real life. Like you meet the real me, and my funny tends to be restricted to the fact that I'm outgoing and hand-flailing and willing to do ridiculous stunts just to make people comfortable talking to me. Or, my sarcastic wit. It comes out occasionally. Thank you so much :) I hope you like the rest of it!

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><p><em><strong>Feedback, as always, is so greatly appreciated *hugs*<strong>_


	12. Of Orgies and Orders

**_Author's Note:_**_ Hello everyone! See my updates are coming faster, told you!_**  
><strong>

_**And yes, I have been aware of the plagiarism. **Loyal Traitor has been copied word for word by someone else. I'm not entirely sure why 'mine', or you know, why that one. But either way. More information is on my profile page. Thank you for your support and to those of you who are helping me by reporting the abuse.  
><em>

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Twelve: Of Orgies and Orders<strong>

* * *

><p>Something was wrong. Inuyasha noted this before he even opened his golden eyes. It was an unsettling realization but Inuyasha had to face the facts:<p>

1) He was extremely hungover. Something had died in his mouth, his head was pounding like a motherfucker and his liver hated him. Apparently, Hell gave your body organs permission to communicate more freely than while living.

2) He was hot. Now, this may not be so surprising – he was in Hell after all – but this was a level he hadn't yet felt. That could only equal terrible things. This was his afterlife, after all.

3) He was sleeping on something scaly. What. The. Fuck.

4) Someone was resting between his legs. There was something that felt suspiciously like a head on his stomach and… Well, wasn't this awkward.

5) Finally, someone's arm was around his stomach. There were no words that could possibly describe the true horror of…_that_. Who was it? Did he even want to know?

Oh god. What if it was Kagome? Did she appear at anytime last night?

…where did he even go last night?

…

This was worse that he thought.

Okay, okay. All he had to do was open his eyes. It couldn't be that bad, really. What was the worst that could happen?

A) It could be Kagome and then they could escape whatever scaly thing they were on and have sex all over again. Preferably at her office, on the desk.

B) It wasn't Kagome… Well, fuck.

This was stupid. He should just open his eyes and figure shit out. Keeping his eyes closed certainly wasn't going to help anything.

Inuyasha opened his eyes and slowly turned to look at his surroundings.

Bad idea.

1) He was extremely hungover and thusly, any movement was dangerous to his current state of afterliving.

2) He was hot. It was probably because he was _surrounded_.

3) Surrounded by what, you ask? At first, Inuyasha didn't really know. There were…golden scales, which were what he was lying on. And– Oh– A dragon. He was sleeping curled up against a dragon. _Hello Ryukotsusei, nice cuddling with you._

4) Oh and it got better. Inuyasha squinted hard at the black head of hair. There was only a rat's tail instead of a long ponytail. It was Miroku then, who was sleeping in the space between his legs. Inuyasha looked over him, noticing that Sango was sleeping between Miroku's legs. They were a fucking ménage-a-trois. Dear lord. Could it get any worse?

5) Yes. It could.

"Morning babycakes."

Sweet baby Jesus.

There was no way to recover from this. Inuyasha sighed loudly, thankful that he was wearing clothes at least. He had been a cop before and while liquor was a good friend of his, he knew that he wasn't a slutty drunk. It was probably a good thing. It kept him out of trouble when his coworkers ended up having to hide their hooker girlfriends from their wives. Not that Inuyasha had even been so attached but… _The point_. His virtue was still – mostly – in tact, even though his mind may never fully achieve peak brain function again.

"Why are we lying like this?" Inuyasha asked. He shifted a little to get more comfortable, realizing that he was sleeping on some carpet that he didn't recognize. Looking up at the ceiling, he realized how far away it was. They were practically in a cave, only it was made of hard steel and metal. "Where are we?"

"Your house," Miroku grumbled, swatting his hand behind his head in an attempt to hit the half-demon. "This is your garage. It could also double as a guest bedroom for Ryukotsusei, your Removal Captain."

"My…" Oh yes, his _Removal Captain_. Fan-fucking-tastic. "Right. How could I forget? And why are we here? I thought it wasn't ready."

"It wasn't," Miroku mumbled unhappily.

"That is, until you smirked at the demon still packing and told him to hurry his ass up and leave." Sango sounded strangely beautiful in the morning, probably because her voice was a low, raspy purr. It was exactly what you'd expect on the other end of a phone sex line. Hey, that was probably how Miroku and Sango met… Did Hell have any of those?

Something suddenly flicked out around them, making the ground shake when it fluttered back down. Inuyasha couldn't even be bothered to move. Nothing really got to him anymore, although that could just be the hangover talking.

"Ryukotsusei," Naraku chided. "Control your tail."

"Maybe if you stop talking," the dragon replied sulkily. "I had to be your DD last night and I couldn't sleep because all you guys do is _chat_."

This was ridiculous.

Inuyasha figured now would be a good time to move. If he could. If he wanted to. Which he kind of didn't, to be honest. "We should get up."

"Sure," Miroku agreed easily. He didn't move.

"Sango," Inuyasha whined. "Get up so you can get your husband up."

Miroku laughed, an unnatural bark that made Inuyasha's body move with it. "It's the morning after I've been drinking," the man said, leering at his wife, "I'm already up."

Inuyasha wondered what he did to deserve this.

Laughing, although it sounded rather crazy because she sounded so tired, Sango turned around and gave Miroku a chaste kiss. "We should head home," she murmured, kissing him again quickly. "We'll go recover there and leave Inuyasha to settle into his new mansion."

"What, I don't get a tour?" Inuyasha asked sarcastically, watching the married couple kissing between his lap. It was beyond awkward. There were no words to describe it other than a heartfelt '_what the fuck'_.

It was at this point Miroku and Sango started making out. Why, Inuyasha had no clue. He turned to look at Naraku, praying the fortune teller would help by doing something stupid like he normally did and get the couple to stop. Of course, Naraku was passed back out on his shoulder, drooling.

"Ryukotsusei?"

The dragon snorted. Whether he was sleeping or awake, Inuyasha didn't know but he was a dragon. In the end, the dragon always won.

And of course, it wouldn't be Inuyasha's fun-filled afterlife if a poof of smoke didn't appear before his eyes, just a few inches away from Ryukotsusei's protectively curled tail around their little orgy of love. That poof of smoke was proof that his afterlife sucked major balls. Because this? _THIS?_ _REALLY WORLD? REALLY?_

"Um."

Inuyasha glared at Kagome. "Don't you dare."

The Neutral took in the scene, and what a scene it was. There was Miroku and Sango making out between Inuyasha's legs, Inuyasha lying with his head propped up against Ryukotsusei's belly while Naraku drooled on his shoulder and had his arm wrapped around his stomach. Porn would be jealous. Kagome opened her mouth, eyes widening for a split second as she spoke when all of a sudden, there was another poof.

This poof was bigger, thicker than Kagome's. From it came a tall man with long silver hair and golden eyes. He had coloured markings on his face and…a fluffy tail.

"No," Inuyasha whispered, horrified. "No, no, _no no nononono NO!_"

"Fuck," the man said.

At least for this, Miroku and Sango finally decided to stop making out. It really wouldn't help either way.

Kagome was a bit confused, staring between the other Neutral and Inuyasha with a strange look. It wasn't until her eyes glanced over a few times before she obviously put two and two together. It really couldn't have been that hard, considering they both has silver hair, both had golden eyes and quite frankly, they looked like each other. "Oh. Crap."

"You're in _Hell_?" Inuyasha yelled. "HA! I fucking knew it you goddamn bastard!" Shoving off Naraku, Miroku and Sango – the first complaining with a startled snort – Inuyasha stood up and approached the Neutral. "I always told you you'd rot down here, fucker."

"Why am I not surprised this is the person you've been complaining about," Sesshomaru Taisho said, voice completely monotone as his gaze shifted from his half-brother to his coworker. "He was a moron when he was alive, so he's undoubtedly worse now."

"Right," Inuyasha sneered before Kagome could answer. "Sorry, let me recall how many times I had to bust your ass out of jail. For one, you were in the drunk tank so often everyone knew you by name and knew we were related. For another thing, you stabbed a man because he squeezed your ass. For another–"

"I don't have time for this," Sesshomaru stated blandly. "And he deserved it."

Inuyasha smirked, but this time there wasn't an order running through his mind. He tilted his head, looking his half-brother up and down with an assessing gaze. "Considering what probably brought you here the most was nearly killing a guy for squeezing your ass, I think it's only fitting you now have a fluffy tail."

Kagome giggled, the high-pitched sound bursting through the tense silence. It only got worse, far more delusional the longer it went on. Soon Inuyasha joined her and together they revelled in awkward laughter.

Miroku looked at Naraku. "Do you have any clue what's going on?"

"No," the fortune teller pouted. "He never tells me anything unless it's pillow talk."

"What is all of this?" Sango demanded, standing up and brushing herself off. She had the decency to look completely unashamed of how swollen her lips looked. The Play Pen had probably taken the shame out of her, for the most part. Inuyasha figured you could never go back from that.

Kagome turned to her friend, wiping a hand down her face. She looked tired, the laughter that abruptly subsided making her sound weary. "I'm swamped dealing with this. I've got to save his–" She pointed to Inuyasha sharply, "–ass before he's kept out of Heaven for good. He's certainly not helping by _doing things like this_."

"It's not what it looks like!" Inuyasha pressed. "Not at all!"

"We were snuggling baby, just accept it."

Inuyasha sighed. "Thank you Naraku for the help. Please, don't feel so inclined."

"I didn't know your taste had altered," Sesshomaru muttered rather carelessly. "Last time I checked you were into female hookers and not drag queens."

"I am not a drag queen, what is with these _men_?" Naraku screamed.

"Those were my _coworkers_!" Inuyasha snapped.

"I want to kill myself," Kagome stated solemnly.

There was a loud, booming noise that made everyone stop. The ground shook angrily and a large shadow fell across everyone. Ryukotsusei roared, wings spanning out as he stomped on the ground. _Boom, boom, boom._ When a dragon wakes up, you know about it. Inuyasha could see why having the yellow-scaled dragon as his Removal Captain might be a good idea – if, you know, he were even considering the position as Ruler of Hell. Which he wasn't.

"Whoa!" Miroku yelled, jumping up and down as the dragon narrowed his eyes at him. "Hey buddy, calm down! There's just a bit of a mix-up."

"I'm trying to _sleep_," the dragon hissed, the last emphasis on the 'p' making their hair blow against his breath. "And you're all rather loud. I don't care what's going on. Just get on with it so you can all shut up faster."

Kagome sighed dramatically. "Fine. Inuyasha, I brought Sesshomaru here because he is one of the board members of Heaven. A Neutral, like myself, but his focus is on Heaven rather than Hell. He was going to assess your curse and see how detrimental it could be for your case. I was trying to help you although I must admit I didn't realize you two were already quite familiar with each other."

"I don't need to assess anything further," Sesshomaru stated, bored. "I know him. He's a nuisance and if I wasn't bound by law, I'd make sure he never got to Heaven."

"You're an asshole, you know that?" Inuyasha said. "How many times did I save your ass? We're also half-brothers, with the same father and everything. You can be all high and mighty, just like you were back when we were both living, but while we're here I don't think that's such a bright move for you. I also had to bury you, you son of a bitch."

Sesshomaru merely raised a brow, silent but deadly. "Show me your curse."

Despite everything that burned in the back of his throat, Inuyasha stopped and swallowed it down. This was going to be fun. Inuyasha smirked and looked at Sesshomaru. "Go fuck yourself Sesshomaru."

* * *

><p>DANGER. DANGER.<p>

IMAGES HAVE BEEN REMOVED DUE TO THE GRAPHIC SEXUAL NATURE OF THE FOLLOWING 36 MINUTES.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVIENCE. REBOOT IN THREE, TWO, ONE…

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><p>No one should ever attempt to fuck themselves.<p>

It's not pretty.

Inuyasha was still laughing forty-two minutes later. That is, until Sesshomaru attacked.

* * *

><p>It was only fitting that there weren't any hospitals in Hell. Heaven had millions of them apparently, popping up as often as a McDonald's would in the World of the Living. Inuyasha scowled and crossed his arms defensively, trying – and failing – to hide his flinch as he brushed against his bandaged chest. There were claw marks there, oozing blood but disinfected and wrapped. Miroku had been surprisingly good at it.<p>

"Sango and I like explosives," the man said simply, shrugging. "You learn to patch each other up after one too many defective bombs."

Ah. Noted.

Inuyasha groaned and flopped his head back onto his pillow. He was in his master bedroom, a room that was large enough for at least four hundred people to stand there comfortably. He realized with disdain that he should be enjoying this moment – he had a house now, _a mansion_, and it could only get better right? Hell had been a nightmare so far, but now he had his own space. Surely Naraku, Miroku and Sango would leave him alone. Hopefully Kagome wouldn't.

Hopefully Sesshomaru was dead due to blood loss.

"You don't actually die in Hell, remember? You just get really close," Miroku said wryly, a lopsided smile on his face. Inuyasha frowned. Had he said that last part out loud?

"You had." Sango grinned down at him, reaching out to pat his cheek lightly. "How are you feeling there? That was quite the fight."

Inuyasha shrugged, trying to be as casual as possible. "We weren't exactly close back when we were alive. He didn't like me for whatever reason and I returned the feelings happily. He was a drunk though and ended up killing himself after he wrapped his car around a pole after a few too many." Inuyasha scoffed, remembering back to that night. "I thankfully wasn't the first officer on scene, but it wasn't pretty. It was even worse when the guys I worked with all gave me these pitiful looks, like I actually gave a shit."

Miroku hummed, his blue eyes searching the half-demon for something he didn't quite know. "That couldn't have been very nice."

There wasn't anything to say to that. Inuyasha remained silent, trying to wrap his head around the fact that his half-brother was _here_, but as a Neutral, like Kagome. How had that happened? "What makes a Neutral?" Inuyasha asked suddenly, frowning at the two real estate agents. "I mean, why did he get chosen for that gig and not, say, you?"

"There doesn't seem to be anything particular," Sango answered. "Kagome can't say since it's classified, but I think it has something to do about moral character. Your brother was a drunk, right? But he was mostly hurting himself – others too, but primarily himself – and he died by his own hands. He wasn't a bad man but he wasn't good either, right? I think there's something about that, but you never know. It probably has something to do with the Scale of Goodness and all that crap."

"Politics," Miroku added, giving his wife a nice pat on the butt. "Well said, babe."

Inuyasha made a face. "If you two start making out again or get any crazy ideas, I will order you both to jump off a cliff somewhere, got it?"

"That only works if we _see_ you," Miroku pointed out with a sly grin. "And kissing is with eyes closed."

Fair point. Inuyasha narrowed his eyes. Surely, he must have power over that too.

…Wait, did he seriously just think that?

* * *

><p>"It doesn't matter," Sesshomaru stated dully. "I won't be on the board for the executive decision because of our blood relation. My thoughts on the matter mean nothing."<p>

Kagome pouted at him. "Your thoughts mean nothing? _Nothing?_ This coming from the guy that would happily take over the Devil's position – or God's – if possible? Don't give me that shit, Sesshomaru, alright? I've got enough of it. You tell me – oh please, tell me or I swear to- to- _whatever_ – that I will castrate you and your brother."

"Half-brother," Sesshomaru interjected.

The Neutral looked at him incredulously. "I don't give a shit!"

Naraku was getting worried, and rightfully so. "Come on you two, there must be something we can do. We can work this out civilly, right?"

The silver-haired Neutral narrowed his eyes briefly at the fortune teller before turning to Kagome. "Why are you friends with drag queens?"

"_OH-EM-GEE_, for fuck's sake–"

"Naraku, go see Inuyasha, okay? Make sure he's feeling better," Kagome yelled, trying to stop the catastrophe that the looming closer and closer. "And tell him not to leave his bed until I talk to him."

The fortune teller grinned then, anger completely forgotten as he winked at Kagome. "His bed, huh? I wonder what kind of discussion you two will be having. A battle of tongues, per se?"

"Oh for the love of– GO!" Kagome glared daggers at Naraku's back, hoping the black-haired man would drop almost-dead. It was the principle of the thing. Turning her attention back to Sesshomaru, who she was _not_ pleased with by the way, she glowered. "Now, you're going to tell me everything you think because I have _had it up to here_ and soon I will _snap_." Her raised hand that went as high as it could possibly go demonstrated the point quite well.

Sesshomaru blinked at her. "You realize you do nothing for me. I'm not afraid of you, Higurashi." Kagome growled. "But I'll tell you the facts as I see them," the silver-haired man continued briskly, as monotone as ever. "His curse is strong and pretty powerful. You described it to me before, when he used it on you. When it was directed my way, it wasn't like that. There wasn't a sense of _I don't want to do this_ so much as there was a blank state of mind that was merely going through the motions. Maybe it was because he was emotionally affected by me – something utterly tragic about him – or maybe the curse is getting stronger. It's hard to tell." Sesshomaru stood up from the chair he was occupying, refusing to go on the bed even as Kagome took care of his bloody wounds caused by his half-brother. "Your best chance of having him go to Heaven is to move up his appeal date."

Running a hand through her hair, Kagome groaned. "That's hard enough to do as it is. Do you think Inuyasha could just – I don't know – smirk at them and order them to let him in to Heaven?"

"The Courtroom is magically protected," Sesshomaru answered automatically. "The subject appears before the Board of Heaven in their human, living form. He couldn't even order them to blink if he wanted to."

"Great, fucking perfect," Kagome snapped. "I'm glad we had this talk. The hell, what am I supposed to do now?" she asked rhetorically, turning abruptly on her heel and then leaving the room with a dramatic flourish.

Sesshomaru stared at the door. He was almost a little grateful that she was gone. Somehow, Inuyasha had made her almost…scary. The thought was puzzling, but since Sesshomaru didn't care for such idiotic, hopeless reflections, he merely poofed and disappeared. The _fuck you_ the smoke left behind was purely coincidental.

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><p><em><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>_

_Random-Human-Reviewer: _Of course you are, don't be silly :) I hate it when life gets all lifelike. Bahaha, if a threesome is that far away point that no author has gone before, MAN, you should read what I read. Threesomes are tame like kittens. Thank you hun :D

_Charmed Princess101: _Well thank you so much! She worked hard on creating this little world, and I'm trying hard to make it exist. It's definitely fun though!

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><p><strong><em>Feedback is much appreciated love.<em>**


	13. Of Reasoning and Removals

_**Author's Note #1: **_I'm back, the block is finally off. I will be updating ALL THE TIME now. As in, a minimum of two or three updates per week. I'll need all the encouragement I can get so I don't jump off a cliff.

_**Author's Note**** #2:** _I have a poll. You may be interesting in voting, maybe not.

_**Author's Note**** #3:**_ I have a very important message on my profile page. You may or may not want to respond *shrugs* But it would be helpful.

_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirteen: Of Reasoning and Removals<strong>

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><p>The door opened with flair. It was the only way Inuyasha could describe the way Kagome burst into the room, fire and brimstone raining behind her – metaphorically of course, although it probably happened in Hell from time to time. Kagome was clearly mad, what at, he didn't know. She seemed to always be mad.<p>

"You are _impossible_!" Kagome screamed, throwing her hands up in the air dramatically. "Do you know how hard you've made things for me? Do you even have any idea? Any? Any at all?" She didn't give the half-demon a second to answer. "_Very fucking hard, thanks._"

"You're welcome?" Maybe not the best answer, if Kagome's glare was anything to go by.

"Hey!" Miroku chimed in happily, clapping his hands. "Sango, did we leave that bomb unattended? You know, the one we pre-set the detonation for?"

"Oh!" Sango nodded enthusiastically. "Right! The bomb in the…the…"

"The cellar!"

"The attic!"

The married couple laughed uneasily, probably because they fucking _sucked_ when it came to smooth exits.

"Right, we had a _second_ pre-set bomb!" Sango giggled, grabbing at Miroku's shoulders and then pointedly shoving him towards the door. "Hope you feel better Inuyasha! Bye Kagome, don't kill him!"

It didn't take long before they disappeared out the exit, the door slammed shut behind them. Inuyasha smirked at Kagome, trying for innocent blinking eyes and a sexy face when the Neutral closed her eyes.

"No you don't!" she yelled. "If you even _think_ of brainwashing me, I will stab you. Repeatedly. Do not get me started, mister."

Inuyasha frowned. "What the hell bit you in the ass?"

"Are you not listening to me?" Kagome yelled incredulously. "What, he asks me. What is making me so angry, huh? _You_, you moron. You make my life so _difficult_."

He couldn't help it; he smirked. "I'm fabulous, says Naraku."

"That's because Naraku wishes he _was_ you," Kagome replied, rolling her eyes. She took a deep, long breath, seeming to settle as she exhaled. Brown eyes wandered around the master bedroom, taking in the deep-coloured walls and magnificent furniture. She stopped in front of a large painting that hung over a dresser, the bright violent reds and oranges standing out amongst the bronze walls.

Inuyasha sat up, wincing at the pain in his chest. Sesshomaru got him good, the fucking fluffy-tailed bastard. Maybe he could exact some revenge, get him to prance around with nothing but his fluff to cover him. Streaking in Hell? That might get a few people to stab him, or shoot him, or both.

Hopefully both.

The smirking thing was _awesome_.

"Inuyasha?"

The half-demon perked up, tilting his head to see the Neutral staring at him quizzically. "Did you say something?"

"Did I say something?" Kagome looked unimpressed. "He asks me, did I say something? Of course I did, moron, I'm not talking to the walls."

"This is Hell," Inuyasha stated simply, grinning. "They could talk."

"I never want to see the day."

Raking a hand through silver hair, Inuyasha stood up and headed towards the dresser. It was empty, he should have known, so now he needed to buy clothes and such. Did Hell have stores around here?

"Of course, this is Hell, not oblivion," Kagome replied when he asked that very question. "There's a bunch around but most of them are hidden. The nice ones are anyways. You should go."

"We should go," Inuyasha pressed, trying his best to look innocent and hopeful. "Please?"

Kagome scowled, nodded and then promptly turned on her heel to storm out of his bedroom. Inuyasha thought maybe he was in love. If a woman hated clothes shopping, then she had to be brilliant. Now, if only he could get her to stop _nattering _at him all the time, she might be _perfect_.

"Do you have any money to buy these clothes?" the Neutral asked, stepping out of his front door.

Inuyasha was hardly paying attention to her. He was too busy looking at his house, his yard, his _castle_. The place was massive, with actual tiny patches of grass. The entire thing was protected by a very large, very tall fence that surrounded the perimeter. There was sharp razor wire on the top and signs all along the inside with warnings of electrocution, poisoning, death, and libido-destroying brainwashing. Inuyasha winced. That last one was rightfully placed after death.

"You, annoying dog-man, do you have money?" Kagome repeated, poking him in the shoulder.

"No, but what does it matter when I can just smirk at them?" the half-demon asked, a bit confused. What was the point of his gift if he couldn't actually do anything with it?

The black-haired woman looked at him with big eyes, completely and utterly horrified. "Please don't say that. As your Neutral, I ban you from saying that."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Don't give me that. I was cursed with something pretty damn kick-ass, so why can't I? Give me one good reason."

"Uh, oh I don't know, _Heaven_?"

Good point.

"Well I need something that isn't soaked with blood," Inuyasha stated, pointedly looking down at his torn shirt. He noticed with a smug smirk that Kagome looked too, eyes lingering at the slashes along his abs. Well, he was pretty jacked if he did say so himself. "So what do you propose I do?"

The Neutral sighed, completely put upon before reaching into her bra. _Her bra_. Pulling out a wad of cash, she tossed it to the half-demon. "It's not that much, but you can get a couple things until you get some more money."

"How the hell am I going to do that?" Inuyasha asked, gripping the cash as he followed her down the path towards the dirt road. He swore the second he walked by his Fence of Doom, it gave out a little blue shock. At least he knew it was working.

"By stealing it, obviously." Kagome gave him a strange look. "How else?"

The silver-haired half-demon burst out laughing. "So I can't use my gift to buy clothes but I can steal? When I was alive, the opposite would be true."

"_Hell_, Inuyasha," Kagome pressed. "You're dead and you're in Hell. I'm sure I don't have to explain it to you for the millionth time."

Smirking, he reached out and grabbed the Neutral's chin, forcing her to look at him. "Tell me, why don't you?"

And while the smirk set Kagome's mouth into play, making her explain the dynamics of Hell that he knew she'd already been over with him, Inuyasha couldn't help but stare at her rosy lips.

Maybe this was a curse after all.

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><p>"I hate you."<p>

"No you don't."

"I really hate you, you stupid, cursed half-demon."

Inuyasha smirked and all that got him was a slap to the face. The black-haired woman glared at him sharply before tugging open the seventh car door she had tried. Apparently, they were stealing a car because in Hell, stealing was the only form of trade there really was. It wasn't until the eleventh car that they found something to steal and Inuyasha watched amused as Kagome hotwired the scrap of metal into life. As the engine roared, a demon started to run out of what was probably a meth lab. Inuyasha didn't know, but he didn't care to find out either.

Unfortunately, the demon was fast.

"Damn it," the Neutral whispered. "You should get a car and then I wouldn't have to deal with this."

"Why can't we just poof?" Inuyasha asked, noticing how the demon's fist was smashing along the front of the car, trying to stop Kagome as she drove forwards.

"Because I don't always get it right," the woman replied, pressing down on the gas with a terrifying jolt, sending the demon forwards onto the windshield of the car.

Inuyasha blinked, a bit scared. "Are you trying to kill us?"

"Only him," Kagome muttered under her breath, pulling on the emergency break and fishtailing the car around. The demon who was riding the hood flew off a few feet away, rolling in the dirt over and over again. Inuyasha watched the body struggle to get up.

"You are a terrifying being," he stated simply.

"Think of that the next time you try to curse me into something," Kagome snapped, accelerating all the more and making Inuyasha clutch at his seat. He had temporarily forgotten just how bad of a driver she was. There was screaming all around, from the people that Kagome was nearly killing and from Inuyasha who was panicked inside the death contraption. He was definitely getting a car because Jesus fuck on a Popsicle, he couldn't take anymore of this.

He also couldn't take the angry silence of the Neutral beside him. Shouldn't she be, oh he didn't know, Neutral on all matters and therefore, not an angry raging bitch like now?

"So…you're friends with Sesshomaru?" Inuyasha didn't really want an answer to that. The thought was repulsive, probably because of the fact that now Inuyasha knew what it looked like when his half-brother attempted to fuck himself. Frankly, it looked like **(STATEMENT REDACTED).**

Kagome shrugged but the half-demon could see it, a small smile on her porcelain face. What was that for, huh? Did that mean that Sesshomaru had already…? Oh god. Oh shit. He was going to _kill_ him.

Inuyasha balked. This felt…funny. The silver-haired half-demon wasn't particularly immune to feelings and emotions; he'd experienced them when he was alive – just not a lot. He had been a cop, a damn good one, so that didn't leave a lot of time for serious relationships.

Or, actually, any kind of relationship _at all_.

At least he wasn't dumb about it. Sure, was he attracted to the Neutral? Of course, she was as hot as hell (and that pun was _totally_ intended), so who wouldn't notice?

His goddamn – HA! Look at these puns! – brother apparently had.

Fuck.

"I guess you could say that," Kagome said finally. "About as friendly as Neutrals can get, which isn't all that much."

Inuyasha frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I'm just a Neutral, one of the many in the system. Sesshomaru is on the Board of Directors for Heaven. He's a bit higher on the food chain, so friendly acknowledgements aren't encouraged." Kagome grinned suddenly. "But he owes me for the entire afterlife, which is kind of like having a politician in your pocket back in the World of the Living. It comes in handy when I want to win cases I truly believe in."

So there was an apparent hierarchy to all this 'being dead' stuff. Inuyasha vaguely wondered where _Ruler of Hell_ sat. Not that he cared, or anything, but–

No. Didn't care. Not at all.

"How did you save him?"

Kagome winked, her supposed frustration from before mysteriously gone. Inuyasha thought it wasn't unlike most PMS-ridden women in the World of the Living. Some things just couldn't fucking change, could they? "That's a secret," the black-haired woman stated.

Inuyasha smirked. "I could make you tell me."

Wrong thing to say.

Very, very wrong.

Kagome took her eyes off the road and glared at him. It was one of those 'death to you' glares, where if he wasn't already long dead he'd be quickly in the ground.

_BAM._

Suddenly, Inuyasha was flailing, arms trying to catch something as the car flew through the air. "WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?" There was a sickening crunch and then they spun out, Inuyasha's shouts deafening. He may have been crying. Probably not. But still. The car groaned old and angry, as it rolled over and over and _over_. When it had finally stopped, the world was practically black. Inuyasha moaned pitifully, desperately tugging at the door handle. It wouldn't budge.

Damn it.

"Oh crap. _Oh_." Kagome took a deep, unsteady breath, making the half-demon look over and gasp. "Son of a bitch," the Neutral spat, chuckling darkly.

Inuyasha couldn't take his eyes away. There was a large shard of glass embedded in her shoulder, bleeding out profusely. "Shit Kagome, hold on! Don't you dare die on me!"

"Can't die, moron," Kagome whispered. Her brown eyes disappeared behind tightly clenched lids. "I've had worse. Chainsaw, remember?"

Right. Inuyasha shoved at the door, trying to gain some leverage but failing. It wasn't opening, far too damaged from the wreck. How the hell was he going to save her? _How_?

A sudden, booming roar shook the metal.

Inuyasha smirked because _fuck yeah_, he had a dragon on call.

"Inuyasha! Inuyasha! _Inuyasha! INUYASHA!_" _Whoa_, who was shrieking his name like that? Even Sango couldn't go that high-pitched and he didn't know any other females… "Inuyasha! Babycakes, don't worry I'm coming to break you free! Hold on darling!"

Oh.

Of course.

Another roar, and now there was extreme honking, shouting and screaming from outside. A blast of heat penetrated even the car and Inuyasha only had one more second to contemplate that before the metal creaked and disappeared.

Naraku's blue eye shadow was unexpectedly far less offensive and way more relieving. "Get Kagome out!" Inuyasha yelled. She wasn't talking, just heavily exhaling.

"I had a vision this would happen!" Naraku was clearly panicking, his dark eyes wild. "I tried to find you, I did!"

"Damn it Naraku, get Kagome out! She's hurt." When it was apparent the fortune teller was too out of sorts, Inuyasha mindlessly smirked, repeating the order. Relief flooded through him instantly as the greasy-haired man went to work, even while Inuyasha struggled to get out of the car. Glass grinded into the bare palms of his hands, breaking the skin. "Fucking _ow_," he muttered, crawling. The ground shook – _boom, boom_ – and Ryukotsusei's scaly foot came into view. The half-demon looked up. "Hey there."

Ryukotsusei grinned. "Removal Captain reporting for duty, Your Majesty."

Frowning, Inuyasha stood up and looked around him. Oh– _Oh, holy fucking mother of shit. _Hell was _burning_.

"Like it?" Ryukotsusei laughed, sounding a little insane. Okay, fine. A lot insane. Removal Captain, _remember?_

Cars and streets burning, demons screaming and broken on the streets. The dragon has obviously torn them apart. Inuyasha realized with a blink that in a weird, offhanded way he caused all of this. All of this _chaos_ was his to claim.

"We need to get her home and patched up!" Naraku yelled, breaking the horrified trance. "Ry-Ry, can you fly us there?"

The dragon turned his eyes to the half-demon, asking permission that it was alright. Inuyasha nodded, running over to Naraku and taking Kagome into his arms. The glass chunk was still in her shoulder, shining amongst all the crimson red. Kagome was ash pale, barely breathing. With tense legs he jumped, a power rushing through him that he hadn't known of until now. He was _flying_, kind of. More like a crazy-high jump. He started to fall, but Inuyasha _had this_. The half-demon found the dragon, bent over and waiting, so Inuyasha gracefully landed on him. Naraku slowly climbed up his tail.

"Ready?" Ryukotsusei asked.

"Go," Inuyasha ordered.

People on the streets stared at him in wonder, in horror, in _awe_, and Inuyasha realized in that second that if he wanted to, he could _control_ them, hold power over them. Make them bow to him like a true Ruler of Hell.

Smirking, Inuyasha clutched the Neutral closer to his chest and let the demons below look on as he flew into the air. Pfft, who wanted to be a Ruler of Hell anyways? Certainly not him.

…Yeah. Not him at _all_.

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><p><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>

_EndlessIdeas: _It did suck, really. But everyone was very amazing and helped out, and the problem was quickly resolved. Thanks darling!

_Whoobonhooaglo: _Me likiiieeeessss you too :D

_Some Name: _Wow, thank you for the support, honestly. It means very much to me. It was taken down, so everyone's hard work paid off. Thank you so much for all your help, and I'm delighted that you are enjoying this story. Hope you liked this chapter!

_Anime-Alee: _HA. I know *facepalm* I have yet to come across a Naraku like mine (I know there are a few that are pretty close, but I kind of want to hug mine because he's the easiest thing in the world to write, and I generally don't get that with my characters...). The romance will come, I promise. It's not going to be the same as my actual romance stories - this is purely crack - but I do promise it will come eventually. This story is maybe only half-way and everyone complains to me when I make them fall in love too early. So, I can't seem to win, but! I swear, it's coming.

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><p><em><strong>Feedback is greatly appreciated, as always :)<strong>_

_**P.S. To those messages I still have to reply to, I promise it's coming! I'm a bit behind - wow, is that a surprise? *sigh***_

_**P.S.S. Did everyone get my chapter title? Huh? Huh? *wiggles eyebrows like Miroku's caterpillar rumba***_

_**P.S.S.S. Did everyone get that reference right there? Caterpillar rumba? No? I'm going to bed before I completely lose my marbles.**_


	14. Of Fortunes and Flirtations

**Author's Note: **I am behind. SO BEHIND. Emails and replies and everything. But I have a website now, so check it out :) _www. witchygirl99. com_

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fourteen: Of Fortunes and Flirtation<strong>

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><p>Holding Kagome against his chest, Inuyasha didn't much think about the <em>where <em>in such a situation. He trusted Ryukotsusei to do things right, even while Naraku poked and prodded at the dragon's ridged spine. Surely that could lead to nowhere good.

"Hey Naraku," Inuyasha called, golden eyes flashing. "I think I'm having a vision."

"Really?" The fortune teller looked almost awed by the statement. "Where is it coming from? What is it about? A battle? Money? Lots of bullets?"

The half-demon raised a brow. "It's coming from my common sense and I'm envisioning you being flung off by a very irritated Ryukotsusei."

Instantly Naraku pouted. "That's cruel, babycakes."

"It's realistic," Ryukotsusei growled out. "Poke me one more time and he might be a better fortune teller than you are."

"Hey!"

A small sound distracted Inuyasha from the ensuing conversation. Kagome was slowly blinking open her eyes, looking feverish and pale. Inuyasha was quite possibly enjoying the idea of being her saviour.

"I don't feel good," Kagome muttered, turning her head into his chest before frowning. "Where am I?"

_In my arms_. Maybe that was a bit forward. "In the air, flying on Ryukotsusei's back."

Kagome visibly paled, which seemed to be an impossible feat considering. "To where?"

"Your place, apparent–"

"Hey!" Naraku murmured, interrupting. He was still – unfortunately – flying with them so he must have stopped his spinal investigation. Placing a hand on her head, the fortune teller clucked his tongue. "You're burning up."

"No shit," Kagome grumbled. "Was going to my place your idea?"

Naraku beamed. "Of course. Besides, you haven't been there in so long there's probably grass or something growing there." He laughed, manic and insane, and not for the first time Inuyasha wondered why he kept Naraku around. "The _horror_," the fortune teller added.

"I thought you would've had a place for only Neutrals," Inuyasha commented, trying to bring back some intelligence to the conversation.

Kagome scoffed, but the action made her groan. "Yeah right," she murmured, trying for heat in the words but failing. "I have to slum it out with the rest of you morons."

Well, that was insulting.

"We're here," Ryukotsusei shouted, wasting no time and practically _nose diving _down.

"Whoa!" Inuyasha yelled, clinging to Kagome and feeling something warm settle in his chest where she held him tight. Of course, the contact was probably due to the threat of falling off the dragon's back, but Inuyasha would take what he could get. "Ryukotsusei, don't kill us!"

"Or I'll kill _you_, Ry-Ry!" Naraku added. His voice was far too squeaky to sound in any way threatening. Also: dragon versus fortune teller who doesn't really give fortunes.

Yeah. That outcome's a hard one to predict.

Ryukotsusei chuckled, his body shaking with it. He roared, loud and strong before pushing forward with his wings and _flipping_.

"What the mother loving fuck!" Inuyasha screamed. It was not high-pitched. It was _not_. Suddenly there was a_ boom_, his world shaking and the half-demon had to take a moment to realize a) he was not broken on the ground, b) he was still sitting on scales which were _not comfortable_ and c) they had landed.

The tense silence was broken by insane, roaring laughter. "If only I could've seen your faces!" Ryukotsusei sighed, looking wistful. "It probably would've been similar to that deadbeat I killed all those years ago." The dragon tutted and twisted his head around to see them. "So scared he was."

Inuyasha may have been twitching. He wanted so badly to order Ryukotsusei into a coma or something – because holy shit – but his face was frozen in what was probably all-encompassing horror.

"You look constipated," the dragon pointed out, grinning and showing his pearly white and very sharp teeth.

"HI-YAH!"

Ryukotsusei collapsed.

Inuyasha was, understandably, confused the ever-loving fuck out. There, looking creepily triumphant was Naraku, standing on Ryukotsusei's back.

"The 23rd is a weak spot," the fortune teller said smugly. He pointed to the small, raised bump of the dragon's spine. "Instantly knocks them out for a bit. That'll show _him_." Naraku jumped down, tripping on a raised scale and making him face plant into the ground. Naraku all but launched himself at Ryukotsusei's belly, kicking it. "Take – that – you – crazy – stupid – terrifying – _dragon_ _from Hell_!"

If a bazooka didn't kill the dragon, Inuyasha seriously had his doubts about a kick from less than two-hundred pounds of flamboyant man. The half-demon didn't dare tell him that though.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome sounded like at any moment she would snap. "Can we just get inside because I think I'm bleeding out still. It's not pleasant. You yourself would be yelling at me if the situations were reversed, so I think I should get some sort of bonus points. Extra pay. Something worth my while as I _bleed to unconsciousness, you idiot_."

Right. Shifting her gently in his arms, Inuyasha climbed off the dragon and looked around. They were in a sort of field, with nothing around but a single two-story house. There was, in fact, a tiny patch of grass sticking out between two rocks. Inuyasha smirked.

Naraku finished his _savage_ attack on the nearly impervious dragon with a wipe at his brow. "I know how to get in. Come on babycakes, let's get our girl home."

Inuyasha shuddered. That was one of the creepiest statements he'd heard today. Naraku's womanly shriek was currently topping the list. He followed, however, letting the fortune teller lead the way to a set of stone steps and a small porch. Naraku opened up a latch which in turn opened another, and then there was a complex beeping before the door unlocked with an anti-climatic _click_. Naraku pushed his long black hair out of his eyes, smiling as he continued through the house. He had obviously been there several times before, taking a right down a hall and then opening a door that led to a staircase. It was pretty complicated for a random building in the middle of absolutely _nowhere_.

"I'll get the med kit," Naraku said, pointing down the hall. "Her room is in there."

Kagome grunted, glaring with one eye at the fortune teller. She seemed to only have the energy to lift one lid. "Don't break anything," she whispered, the last word barely audible.

"Never Kaggy," Naraku giggled. It was clearly an inside joke Inuyasha wasn't a part of, but he didn't mind because he got to put Kagome to _bed_. _HA_.

If only though.

Seriously.

The woman only winced a little when he placed her down on the mattress, her shoulder covered with blood. The glass was still there, but only because pulling it out would make it far worse with no supplies to stop the bleeding.

"Do you need something?" Inuyasha asked, looking around for a towel. There was some sort of rag on the floor in a corner, so he grabbed it and gently put it around her wound, applying pressure.

"No," Kagome answered, her voice raspy. "I'm going to be just fine. Naraku will fix me up."

"That's what worries me," he replied.

Naraku came running in a moment later, some very large metal box in hand that seemed to way him down on the one side. He sighed at the sight of Inuyasha there, waving him away. "Get me some water, can you? Just in a glass, and with a straw. A pink straw is preferable."

"_You_ want water, _now_?" the half-demon asked, incredulous. "Like hell–"

"It's for Kagome, _obviously_," Naraku answered, raising a brow. "Pink is her favourite colour and she should have some water to hydrate her. Shock, remember? You were there?" The fortune teller looked at Kagome, scandalized. "I don't know what you see in him."

"You see something?"

"I'm _bleeding _here, for fuck's sake. Can you patch me up?" Kagome snapped, glaring at Naraku. Her brown eyes turned to Inuyasha, not any happier. "And seriously, go be useful."

Inuyasha walked out of the room. If Kagome actually saw anything in him, she didn't act like she did. Still, it was reason for thought. He'd noticed her the moment he laid eyes on her. Maybe he had…options. Was there a rule against dating clients? Because that's what he was, right? Her client because she was trying to get him back to Heaven?

Right?

Hmm.

The kitchen was tiny, with barely more than the necessities. It occurred to Inuyasha only then that he never really was that…hungry. And when was the last time he ate something? Maybe food was relative here, and you only ate for the enjoyment of it? Inuyasha shrugged and started to look through cupboards, trying to find some sort of glass. It took a few moments but he succeeded, even finding a box of colourful straws along with it. The glass was a bit dusty so he rinsed it off, about to turn and get some water from the fridge when he realized that he wasn't alone.

"_Mer." _

Inuyasha frowned and slowly turned at the low, guttural sound that came from nearby. What the fuck was that? There was nothing on the counters, and nobody was around him but… Looking down, Inuyasha blinked.

There was a cat. A rather fat cat, that was patchy with white, brown and black. It glared ominously at Inuyasha.

"Oh," Inuyasha said rather dumbly. "Hi kitty." He never really enjoyed cats, even when he was alive. As a child he'd never had one, and when he was a cop his only experience with one was the cat that ate chunks of its old owner's face.

After that, he wasn't so inclined to get to know them better.

The cat continued to glare.

Noticing a thin red collar, Inuyasha bent down to try and read a name. Kagome had a cat and yet she never went home? How did the poor thing survive? The half-demon slowly bent down and reached out with his hand.

"_Mer_-_ow!"_

Inuyasha blinked, hand still outstretched and only a few inches away from the furry ball of fluff. The cat still stared at him, a little disgruntled but mostly indifferent. Its tiny tongue poked out and licked around a sharp tooth and it was only then that Inuyasha registered the burning pain in his palm.

"_What the fuck_?" Pulling his hand back, Inuyasha looked in horror at the blood that was slowly oozing from his palm. The cat…the fucking thing had _scratched _him, _how_? "Naraku! Naraku, come here please!"

Dark beady eyes narrowed at him, as if the feline could sense Inuyasha's fear. It was unnerving.

"I need a minute, I'm almost done!" Naraku yelled back.

And this, this was ridiculous. It was a damn cat, not a mountain lion. The fridge was three steps away and regardless if the cat was in his path, he could make it. He could. Lifting one foot slowly, Inuyasha watched the feline to see if it would move. Even if it started to attack, surely he could run out of the way before the fat thing even _thought_ of moving.

"_Mer-ow!"_

"Holy shit!" Inuyasha booked it, watching the cat leap to the side and try swiping at him. It was like a fucking battle and all he wanted to do was get some water. Running to the round kitchen table, Inuyasha hid behind it, watching the cat saunter slowly to the other side.

The fucking thing was smiling, Inuyasha knew it.

"Naraku! Come on, this isn't _funny_! Get your ass down here right this instant!" Inuyasha yelled, watching the furry ball sit down, tailing flicking up and down leisurely. It was probably plotting his death. All the thing did was stare daggers at him while blocking Inuyasha's path from any sort of escape.

After what felt like an eternity, Naraku appeared. He looked at Inuyasha quizzically. "What's the matter, babycakes?"

"The fucking demonic _cat_," the half-demon hissed. "It's _evil_!"

"It's a cat in Hell, of course it's evil," Naraku answered easily, grinning cheekily. "The cat can and will kill you, so I'm going to distract it while you escape. And trust me, if it's between me and you in a battle of life or death, I will let the cat have you." He went over to a jar that remained on the counter and unscrewed the lid. He pulled out something brown before sneaking over and snapping his fingers. "Buyo! Hey Buyo, look at what I've got." Naraku tossed the brown stick thingy over, running back behind the counter instantly, looking quite fearful. "Run babycakes, _RUN_!"

"But I need water!" the half-demon screamed, making a break for it while the cat occupied itself with the brown treat.

"You are useless!" Naraku yelled, grabbing Inuyasha's shirt and dragging him to the fridge. The half-demon stared at the cat warily while Naraku grabbed a bottle, the two of them running even while an evil _merrrr_ echoed in the hallway.

"That–" Inuyasha shook his head, trying to keep his hand palm up to stop the blood from falling. "That was _not_ a cat. Did you see how fast it moved? How is that possible?"

"It fends for itself. It's a hunter. Buyo only likes Kagome," Naraku replied, dark eyes landing on his hand. "Want me to wrap that up?"

"You _think_?"

"Don't get your panties in a twist," the fortune teller replied, rolling his eyes. "I just saved your pretty ass, so be thankful."

Inuyasha shook his head, smirking as he followed Naraku back upstairs. By the time he entered Kagome's bedroom the blood was dripping down his arm. He sincerely hoped nothing was on his clothes because frankly he didn't have anything else. Shopping was definitely necessarily.

"Buyo's here for a visit," Naraku announced, grabbing the glass from Inuyasha's hand and pouring the water from the bottle into it. "He attacked Inuyasha."

Blinking her eyes open, Kagome looked at Inuyasha, almost sorry. "You didn't try to pet him, did you?"

"_No_." Inuyasha couldn't believe this conversation was happening. "No, I was trying to see its collar for a name."

"A bad idea," Naraku pointed out.

"Definitely a bad one," Kagome agreed.

Dear god.

While the black-haired fortune teller got to work on fixing Inuyasha's hand, the half-demon paid his full attention on the woman lying in bed. She was rather still but breathing perfectly fine, her chest rising and falling rhythmically. What if he tried to seduce Kagome, would that work? Inuyasha could easily get Naraku to spill some information on her and then he could start a secret operation to get Kagome to like him. Or like him _more_. This was Hell, so why not? And when he was in Heaven, things would be a thousand times easier because there wouldn't be any crazy, homicidal dragons, or bizarre fortune tellers, or gun crazy real estate agents. Inuyasha paused in his thoughts, realizing that he didn't necessarily like to think of it that way. They were all kind of…friends.

"I'll be right back, I think there's some more gauze in the bathroom," Naraku said suddenly, breaking the silence. The half-demon didn't look away from the Neutral, but it wasn't until the black-haired man purposely poked him in the side that Inuyasha realized something was up.

_Talk to her_, Naraku mouthed, eyeing Kagome. _Be her sexior._

Inuyasha blinked. That couldn't be right. That wasn't even a word.

_What? _he mouthed back.

_Be her sexior._

At the half-demon's still confused look, Naraku grabbed his wrist gently before tracing letters onto his skin. _S-A-V-I-O-U-R._

Oh.

Rolling his eyes, Naraku left the room. Inuyasha watched him go, pretty surprised by the whole thing. Naraku had never been so forceful before about it, so what was going on in that crazy man's head?

"How are you feeling?" Kagome asked suddenly, the silence being broken once more. "You weren't hurt in the accident, were you?"

"No, not like you. I'm okay but your cat is the devil."

"Trust me, my cat likes killing rats and mice and goes trolling around the field in his spare time. He is nothing like the Devil. The Devil has more taste."

Fantastic. "There are mice and rats and…and _cats _in Hell then? What about other animals?" Inuyasha asked, inching his way towards Kagome's side of the bed.

"Animals have souls too, you know," Kagome commented lightly, opening her eyes slightly. "They're just like everyone else. Buyo's a bit crazy though, I must admit."

Inuyasha nodded, his gaze sweeping across the bandaged shoulder. She was wearing a different top now, something he hadn't noticed until now. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I was in a car accident, but I'll be fine in the next few hours hopefully. I have to work tomorrow or Sesshomaru will kill me." Kagome's mouth twisted, something not pleased but clearly a bit secretive. "I was dragged into Hell Day planning duty, so my workload is worse than usual."

"What in the world is Hell Day?" the half-demon asked, golden eyes questioning. "Don't tell me we celebrate the day Hell came into existence?"

"In some parts of The World of the Living, people celebrate a full day for things as stupid as _hugs. _Hell Day just came out of a nowhere, but it's a long standing tradition of chaos and drinking, as with most holidays."

"And when is this…HellDay?" the half-demon asked, a little fearful.

Kagome scrunched up her face, thinking about it. "Two weeks from now, I believe. Hopefully by then you'll be in Heaven, so you won't have to worry about such a thing."

"You'll be really busy though, right? Up until then?" This was stupid, why was Inuyasha feeling this way? All he was going to do was ask if she kind of, sort of, _maybe_ wanted to go out for drinks or something when he was in Heaven. To celebrate. Right. Because it was a job well done and then he could dutifully remind her that he wasn't her client and they could fuck like bunnies, etc.

The Neutral narrowed her eyes a bit, questioning but answering him anyways. "Pretty busy, yeah I guess. Why?"

"We should go out for drinks. Casually. Or not. But, you know, it would be nice to celebrate my being in Heaven." Inuyasha shut his mouth. He was really bad at this. "Just drinks in Heaven. Surely you know a good place."

Kagome definitely frowned then at him, her hand reaching up for his wrist. "Are you asking me out? Because that's an incredibly dumb idea."

…What?

Before Inuyasha could even say anything though, Kagome was going on, talking far too fast. "If you're asking me out for drinks when you've successfully made it to Heaven, it's not possible. I deal with _Hell_, Inuyasha. I don't go to Heaven and doing so is highly discouraged to the point that there would be serious repercussions, like revoking any appeal that we file and sending you back down here. Once you're in Heaven, that's it. I don't see you again. Additionally, if you're asking me out now, isn't that just going to make it harder? Never mind the fact that I _shouldn't_, as your Neutral working on your case. I don't just do casual…flings." Kagome took a deep breath, wincing as it jolted her shoulder. "But if it had been different, I would, you know."

"Oh." Inuyasha tilted his head, feeling like something was stacking up against him. "I wouldn't see you or any of you when I was in Heaven? There aren't any day passes or something like that?"

Kagome laughed a little and shook her head. "This is hardly Disney World."

"So how…how are my chances for getting into Heaven?" Inuyasha asked, trying to process information and catalogue it. "What do you honestly think?"

The black-haired Neutral sighed and looked to the door of the bedroom. "I'm good at what I do, and as long as you don't do something incredibly stupid – like use your curse to get your way all the time or to become some sort of Ruler of Hell – then your chances are really good."

"Huh, well, maybe–" Inuyasha was interrupted from saying that maybe he should consider his options a little more when suddenly there was a deafening roar. The house shook, objects fell over and Naraku screamed like a little girl from somewhere outside.

It wasn't until Naraku was flying through the window, Ryukotsusei's angry eye peering through the tiny glass he threw the fortune teller through, that Inuyasha put together that maybe Hell wasn't so bad.

But should he really choose Hell just for a few psychotic friends? For Kagome?

"Baby! Inu-baby please! Order him to slay himself! Order him to do the cha-cha-cha while wearing a bikini, _I don't care_. Just DO something!"

Naraku really wasn't helping to make Hell look any more enticing.

Inuyasha sighed.

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><p><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>

_CookieThief:_ Thank you darling, I'm delighted. Tests are absolute crap, I feel you. Righteous Leggings? Do tell? Oh and I've won awards for my facial expressions. Apparently I have strange ones that are usually rather epic. My darling boyfriend watches _me _when we watch shows like Family Guy or American Dad, because I'm more hilarious to look at then the show. Fantastic, really. Thanks boyfriend.

_Whoobonhooaglo:_ Hope this chapter was okay! And, as you know, the website is up! I'm hoping to have more stories up there asap. Yay for having three relatively free weeks off! YAY!

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><p><strong>Feedback is love. Also, please check my profile for information on my website and what it means for my love-hate relationship with FFN.<strong>


	15. Of Modelling and Madness

**Author's Note: I should grovel, shouldn't I?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.**

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen: Of Modelling and Madness<strong>

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><p>Inuyasha liked his bedroom. It was only his second time in it – the first not being all that fantastic since he was bleeding due to Sesshomaru's angry attack – but it was…nice. Spacious and massive, with gorgeous colours that showed brilliance rather than plainness, the master bedroom was nothing the half-demon had ever had before. When he was alive he lived in a shit apartment that was mostly disgusting and partly revolting. His only issue with the new bedroom was that he couldn't really <em>enjoy <em>it and there was only one person to blame.

Okay, so Heaven was still his goal. It had to be, right, because who wanted to spend eternity in Hell? No one did. Or, no one in The World of the Living did. He had one chance to get things right and that's what he would do.

_But_, but, he'd lose Kagome. It shouldn't be such a big deal. They weren't exactly _dating_, or even _together_, or even _anything_ really. There was just a chance for something that Inuyasha could envision, a path his mind could carve. They hadn't kissed – if you excluded him being mind-fucked still from the Dementia, which he did – and they hadn't even truly spent time together. Leaving Kagome behind wouldn't be hard, or a big deal. He'd move on.

"BABYCAKES, WAKEY-WAKEY!"

He'd lose Naraku too. Inuyasha still wasn't particularly sure if that was a pro or a con.

"Go away," Inuyasha yelled, groaning. How long had he been sleeping? They'd stayed at Kagome's for a while but eventually left when Ryukotsusei threatened to leave them stranded. Kagome could poof back into civilization; they couldn't.

"You wanted to go shopping so I'm telling you that we're going in the next ten minutes," Naraku said through the door. "Don't worry. I'm not the one that's going to judge how good you look. I was told I'm biased."

The half-demon barely held back a groan. "Fantastic." At least he'd be able to pick whatever clothes he wanted. He didn't know what kind of selection Hell had but he wasn't picky. All he needed was something clean and Inuyasha would be happy.

"Miroku and Sango promised to judge," Naraku went on. "I'm the one that's going to pick your outfits to try on."

Goddamn it.

Getting out of bed, Inuyasha grabbed the same ratty t-shirt from before and slid it back on. How long had he even been in Hell? The days seemed to blur, all of it a big mess of car crashes and red smoke and ridiculousness. Clearly he needed a new wardrobe, and stat, or things were going to get even more gross really fast. "Naraku, where are you?"

"…Still outside your door? Why do you want me to help you get dressed?"

Oh lord. "No," Inuyasha replied, opening the door and eyeing the fortune teller. "Why are you even here?" Because that was a good question. Why _was_ Naraku there when he could be, oh, at his _own house_?

"I live here." Naraku tilted his head. "I need to protect you, remember? We discussed this."

"I don't recall that." Inuyasha did _not_ recall such a conversation occurring. "And for something so important, I would have."

Blue eye shadow glittered as the fortune teller raised his eyebrows. "Huh. Maybe I just had a vision about it. Really, it doesn't matter. Either way I'm going to end up living here." Raising his hand in a high-five, Naraku grinned. "We might as well just accept our fate, right roomie?"

Inuyasha sighed dramatically and moved past the fortune teller towards the stairs. He hadn't been in his kitchen yet. It would be like an adventure.

"Roomie? Inuyasha, hey!" Naraku called, toddling on behind. "Come on, don't do that! It's not my fault I'm gifted with foresight!"

The half-demon peered into another room, realizing it was definitely _not_ the kitchen. It looked more like a library. Who the hell needed books in Hell? "Where is the kitchen?"

"Second door on the left," Naraku answered immediately. He went to grab Inuyasha but the silver-haired man just moved along towards his destination. "Baby, don't be like that! You can't avoid me forever!"

"I can't avoid you _ever_," the half-demon muttered, mostly under his breath. Turning as instructed, he entered the kitchen only to realize someone was already there. Two someones.

"Hiya," Sango murmured, hands surrounding a big mug of what smelled like coffee. She looked like at any moment she was going to bow down to it. "How are you feeling?"

Inuyasha stood there for the longest moment, taking in the sight of Sango and Miroku happily at his kitchen table. How did _they_ get in there? "Naraku, did you let them in?"

"We let ourselves in," Miroku replied, grinning with a salute. "We bought you the place, man, we still have all the keys."

"Can I have them?" the half-demon pressed. His place wasn't a fucking _zoo_. You couldn't just invade his space and try to hand-feed him and coo at him to make him happy. No. Inuyasha was his own person and this was his own house and _mmm_, that smelled awesome.

"You look a little pale," Naraku stated, chiding him. The rather unnecessarily large coffee mug that was under his nose was then placed carefully into his hands. "Why don't you drink that and then we'll head out?"

It seemed like a good idea, so Inuyasha sat down beside Miroku at the table and took a long, much needed gulp. He noticed that Miroku made no move whatsoever to hand over the other set of keys but at this point he couldn't be bothered. Apparently his place was the place to be. As long as no one did anything stupid, it should be fine.

In the distance, a loud roar could be heard that echoed along the walls.

"That's Ry-Ry," Naraku stated at Inuyasha's clearly worried gaze.

The half-demon shook his head, a pointed _duh_ in the expression.

"He's checking out the perimeter, setting up base and stuff," Sango explained, giving him a smile around her mug of coffee. "He's probably going to want to talk to you about a defence. The place came with the fence but I'm pretty sure Ryukotsusei is going to want to add some landmines."

"Luckily, we have those," Miroku added, winking. He held out his hand and Sango high-fived him with a lavish grin, neither of them looking anywhere but at him the entire exchange. Clearly, they spent too much of their afterlife together.

"What if I want to walk in my own backyard?" Inuyasha questioned seriously, quite worried. "I could just step on one accidentally and explode."

At that, the black-haired man did seem a little sad. "Yeah, that would suck, I agree. But Sango and I promise to sell this place to someone as equally awesome as you."

Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Are we ready to go?" Naraku asked, clearly sensing the tension that was rolling around Inuyasha's shoulders. He grabbed the half-demon and all but dragged him out of his chair. "You desperately need clothes."

Inuyasha agreed far more than he admitted to out loud, but there was one thing that was nagging at him, a sudden thought that rudely – and loudly – intruded. "Where's Kagome?"

Naraku sighed dramatically. "Oh no, not this. Kagome is working, babycakes. What do you expect? Now, can we please just _go_? I want to pick out some clothes."

"We should make a stop first."

"Come _on_," the fortune teller whined, nearly stomping his foot. "Look, I get that there were googly eyes and whispered secrets about love and souls and all that crap but you can't let her come between us! I have rightful time to you too! I was the one that _saved_ your Hell-booted ass."

"It's a great ass," Miroku agreed, grinning and doing nothing to stop the twitch in Inuyasha's right eye.

"Right? And this is starting to feel like a divorce and I don't want it to." Naraku crossed his arms and pouted. "Besides, I'm the one that came to your rescue."

Nothing that he said meant anything to Inuyasha, really, but the half-demon figured the fortune teller earned it. He was leaving Hell after all, in the next month or so. He might as well enjoy the time that he had. If Kagome was working there was nothing he could do to get her attention anyways. She'd probably chase him out with a fucking chainsaw.

Naraku obvious saw the win in Inuyasha's golden eyes because he fist pumped the air and cheered. Skipping down the hallways, whistling a merry tune, Inuyasha wondered not for the first time why this was his afterlife.

* * *

><p>"I want to kill you all."<p>

"Don't worry, you can come out," Sango cooed, talking to him like she would a spooked horse. "I promise you look dashing."

"That's a big fat lie," Inuyasha countered, refusing to take a step outside. He didn't need a mirror to tell him that he looked utterly ridiculous. Naraku just wanted to see him in tight leather and this was the _last time_ he let Naraku get away with anything that he wanted. Ever.

Miroku made an offensive noise and whistled. "Take it to the catwalk baby!"

"HEY!" Naraku yelled. "Only I call him that!"

"You call him babycakes!"

"Same shit, different pile!"

Inuyasha pounded his head into the change room door. For the first time since he had died, he was sad he couldn't repeat the action and make his brain bleed out. The problem was hardly Naraku and Miroku's fight – they had been at it all day. Inuyasha suspected that Sango was getting something out of watching Miroku all macho, because she said absolutely nothing but looking about as satisfied as a Cheshire cat. Or horny. Whatever.

The true problem – the true issue that was getting to him – was the fact that when Miroku said 'take it to the catwalk baby,' he meant it quite literally.

There was a fucking catwalk and a random department store in Hell.

What. The. Fuck.

No, no, _nonono_, that wasn't even the best part. The best was the little tidbit of _extra_, of goddamn fucking _fans_. There were fans on the catwalk in the department store, so that when you 'walked' out of the change room, you had to walk down a fucking red carpet with spotlights and fans and some obscure house music (of course house music was in Hell, for Christ's sake) and if you paid twenty-five cents, you could get a picture that printed in seconds.

Yeah.

Hell seemed to be more devious that previously believed.

"Inuyasha, you can't avoid us," Sango said, her voice suddenly closer. She was on the other side of the doorway, of that he was certain so he opened the door. Magenta eyes twinkled at him, a small smile on her face. "Well, look at you big boy."

"Shut up." He smirked.

Sango rolled her eyes but the smile didn't dissipate. She grabbed his wrist and _tugged_, far more aggressive than he thought she was capable of, and led them down the catwalk. The incessant beats of house music damaged his brain along the way.

"Definitely," Naraku stated instantly, his dark eyes blinking innocently.

"Seriously, I despite you all," Inuyasha muttered, hands falling to the tight leather pants. "This, frankly, is gross. No one should own a pair of leather pants–"

Miroku gasped in horror. Sango elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

"–unless you're Sango, because I'd imagine that's the tiniest of all your kinks."

To her credit, she didn't even seem flustered. She shrugged unabashedly, and Inuyasha smirked at her and told her to speak. Sango grinned but chose not to say another, waving her arms instead. "You know, the pants are a definite _must_ but that shirt? Not classy enough. Try the red one."

"Oh, so now leather pants are _classy_." Inuyasha barely restrained from punching them all in the face.

"If you can pull them off," Naraku responded easily. "And baby, let me tell you. _You_ can pull them off."

Oh god.

"Changing sounds like a great idea," Inuyasha said lightly, turning to go back into the change room. "The red shirt? _Sure_. Not a problem. Let's model some more, objectify my body until I have little to virtually _no_ self-esteem left, and then afterwards I say let's get shit-faced. Something about this day has to go right."

No one answered him but frankly, Inuyasha didn't expect them to.

The red shirt was hardly a shirt at all. It was a piece of cloth that was made with the specific purpose to _mould_ to his body. It was a foul, soft thing that Inuyasha hated upon contact. Naraku picked out all of his clothing though so he shouldn't be surprised.

He still deeply resented himself the moment he stepped out of the change room, in that damning shirt and those godforsaken pants. The strange thing was that he didn't hear any wolf whistling or cheering or…anything.

Inuyasha was sad to say that his ego actually did hurt from that. More than he wanted to put an amount to.

"What do you mean they fast-tracked it?"

The hissed words caught his attention and the moment he stepped out Naraku shrieked a little. Inuyasha wasn't entirely sure of the reason but he couldn't get past Kagome's gaze. The Neutral looked him up and down, surprised and clearly shocked at the sight of him. His ego naturally recovered when the fainted of blushes could be seen on her face.

Fuck yes.

"Wow Inuyasha," Miroku stated, coughing a little. "You look…"

"Fuckable," Sango supplied, nodding appreciatively. "I'd do you."

Great. The right words but the wrong mouth. Inuyasha raised a brow at Kagome, his pulse racing at the look in her eyes. There was something there, he _knew_ it. Still she had turned him down because he was leaving. Inuyasha was going to Heaven and leaving everyone behind and…

"Marry me."

Inuyasha blinked. He blinked once more and then processed the words. Okay, they were fine. But the voice… That sure as fuck wasn't feminine.

Which was why Naraku was probably on one knee, looking torn between adoring and pissing himself with laughter. Clearly, his friends were all idiots and crazy people and yeah, he kind of liked them.

He might actually _miss_ them.

"Naraku, if you don't get away from me, I'm going to kick you in the balls," Inuyasha threatened calmly, as if reciting the weather. "Also, fuck you. I'm not that kind of man. You've got to take me out on a few dates first."

"A few dates?" Kagome shook her head, looking amused but trying to hide it. "Well aren't you easy."

"Only when I like what I see." Inuyasha smirked, delighted at the quirk of her brow and the way she rolled her eyes. It was endearing and that was just unfortunate that exasperation could be so sexy.

"Look, I'm on a huge timetable right now and I'm already late," Kagome said, tapping her wrist for the imaginary watch. "Two things: first, I'm going to be unavailable for the next three days because Hell hates me, Sesshomaru hates me – actually, no, he loves me a little – and I'm slowly losing my mind."

"Wait, Sesshomaru _loves you_?" Inuyasha demanded, nearly growling.

"_That's _what you picked up on?" Kagome yelled, looking horrified. "My fucking god, you people are not helping. Inuyasha, no, for fuck's sake Sesshomaru is probably asexual for all that he embodies a damn robot. Second, my availability is due to the fact that Hell Day has been moved up. _How_ you can move up a worldly holiday, I've got no clue, none, _nada_. But the fact is that it has moved up and I've got three whole days to put it together and hope no one kills each other."

"You said that was only the first thing," Miroku pointed out, a bit warily. "Why, what else do they have you doing?"

"Oh, it gets better." Kagome sighed, tugging at her hair. "Inuyasha, your half-brother pulled some strings for the council against his will and better judgement. Since you've been cursed, it's better to push the trial so that there's less of a chance of you fucking up. Your trial is five days from now."

"_What?!_"

Kagome looked around the department store, her face blank. "I'm sorry. There were no explosions or gunfire or anything else that could dampen your hearing. Your trial is in five days. Be good. Don't order anyone around. Don't bug me. Don't bully Naraku. And last of all, _don't bug me_ and we'll be fine."

"You said that last one twice," Inuyasha stated. He wanted to say something else – no, I don't want to go, why would you do this? – but it all got stuck. He was going back to Heaven, right where he belonged. It was…it was a good thing, right?

"And thus, emphasizing my point. I'm busy. Don't interrupt me, alright? After Hell Day, we'll go over your trial and prepare you for the stand, and so on. We'll make this work, I promise." Kagome gave a small smile before waving and disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

For a long time, there was silence.

"Well," Sango murmured, magenta eyes turning to look at Inuyasha. "You've got three shirts left to try but I'm pretty sure we've nearly bought the entire store already so… Let's get shit-faced."

Inuyasha agreed and before long, he was ordering the waitress to provide unlimited, free booze all night. Oblivion was going to be his middle name.

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><p><em>Comments to Acknowledge<em>

_EndlessIdeas:_ Thank you so much! I clearly need to get my shit together and get posting more regularly again, but it'll happen. I appreciate it :D

_Guest:_ There is a bit of trouble! The story is almost over though, sadly, so I promise the tension doesn't last too long! (It's crack. It can't last or it just becomes a ball of blah.) Thank you dear!

_Whoobonhooaglo:_ Did you know that I now have your name memorized? I just know how to spell it now, whereas before I was worried about spelling it wrong and checked like a thousand times. Anyways. It's okay! I'm sure your hubby can deal with it. Mine deals with me crying randomly because I'm writing a sad scene, so they all suffer a little anyways haha ;) There is a lot more to come - well, only a few chapters for this but a lot more stories to be posted - so I promise I'm not disappearing any time soon. Thank you :) !

_Guest:_ Haha, honestly? No idea. Congratulating may not be in her best interests...but shaming him probably isn't either. Quite the predicament I say. Thank you hun!

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><p><strong>So, yeah. Emails. Got it. Pennies and Dimes. Got it. Less failing at life. Got it.<strong>

**Oh. And yes. This story is probably almost over. Like...5 chapters maximum. Probably less. SaraRosa77 and I are in major discussions, so we'll see :D**

**Feedback, while not really deserved, is totally and gratefully appreciated.**


	16. Of Goodbyes and Grenades

**Author's Note: **So goal #1 was completed like 2 hours late. Whatever. I will take this as a win. _This was not edited. Sorry._

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixteen: Of Goodbyes and Grenades<strong>

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><p>Inuyasha didn't want to say that his life was miserable because it really wasn't. It wasn't, at all, because even though he was in Hell he had…people. He'd possibly go as far as to call them friends, but Inuyasha would never admit that out loud.<p>

"So what do you think?" Ryukotsusei asked, bending his wings slightly so that air pushed around them. They glided through the sky, Inuyasha's large property like a picture below.

"Great," the half-demon replied, pasting on a smile. He hadn't yet told Ryukotsusei that his trial to go to Heaven was in four days and thus, the dragon's employment would then be terminated indefinitely. He didn't want to say _thanks, but what you've done is all for nothing_.

Ryukotsusei, surely, would burn him to a crisp.

Inuyasha hadn't given his trial much thought. He figured that Kagome would prep him the day before and that he'd get a better picture then. Hopefully, all he had to do was stand there are look pleasantly innocent. He could do that. Probably.

"There's Naraku," Ryukotsusei grumbled all of a sudden, still pretty pissed off with the fortune teller for what happened those long days ago. "He's waving at us."

"I guess that means it's time then," Inuyasha said, waving back so Naraku didn't start killing himself trying to get them to see him.

The dragon huffed. "You never told me _he_ had to come along. I don't like him."

"Don't be mean, come on. You guys were friends before."

"He karate-chopped me," Ryukotsusei stated blandly. "That's grounds for death. If I could kill him I would but as it stands, we're already dead so it's redundant."

Sighing loudly, Inuyasha tugged at his silver hair. "You said you'd take us though to meet Miroku and Sango. You didn't have a problem with it before."

"I said I'd take _you_," he growled. "Not that pansy with blue eye shadow."

Making a sound of disapproval, Inuyasha glared at the back of the dragon's head. "That's not nice."

Ryukotsusei growled. "I'm a fucking Removal Captain, not a life coach."

"Just land so I can tell Naraku to get another ride, will you?" Inuyasha asked, getting impatient. "I don't have time for your crap."

Ryukotsusei definitely pouted but he slowly descended, massive clawed feet touching the ground. Naraku was a few feet away, grinning widely. He skipped happily to them. Of course he skipped. Naraku didn't appear to have any other way of propelling himself forwards. "Hi y'all!" Naraku greeted happily. "How was your lovely dragon ride, babycakes?" He was smacking gum again too, chewing loudly and looking for all the world like… Well, there really was no good descriptor for him. How did one define the being of existence that was Naraku?

Inuyasha levelled a glare at the fortune teller anyways, hoping to dissuade any saucy behaviour. It was bad enough Inuyasha had to keep his removal captain in line. "You're asking for it now, just to let you know." The half-demon climbed off of the dragon's back, taking care to avoid the claws that were kneading into the ground, like he was clenching and unclenching them to stop from ripping Naraku apart. "Can't you guys just work it out?" he asked, flailing his arms between them. "This would be so much easier if you simply got over your unresolved sexual tension, or whatever."

Naraku gasped, horrified and indignant while Ryukotsusei roared with laughter.

"_HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT_?" Naraku demanded, stomping his feet. "Oh my god, do you have no shame?"

Inuyasha raised a brow. "You seriously didn't just say that."

"He has a point," Ryukotsusei pointed out, laughing still. Instantly, like flipping a switch, he sobered. "But if you weren't my boss, I would have killed you too."

Inuyasha smirked, looking at the both of them.

"Oh no!" Naraku yelled, backing up. It was as if he thought that would _do_ anything. Closing his eyes would've been the smart option but alas, you didn't have to be smart to be in Hell.

"What?" Ryukotsusei asked, confused. "What's he doing?"

"The thing!" Naraku yelled, frantic now. His voice was reaching octaves that shouldn't exist. "You know, the _thing_! Inuyasha, you should think about this. Kagome told you not to do it because it'll be bad! She said it would be bad and you like Kagome, right? Don't do the thing!"

"That thing?" Ryukotsusei frowned but then suddenly looked at Inuyasha's face, understanding. Fear looked vaguely entertaining on a dragon's face. It wasn't something you saw everyday.

"You two are going to get along now and put whatever shit that you're mad about behind you," Inuyasha ordered, still smirking. He could see Naraku shudder a bit while Ryukotsusei merely blinked. "So, can you take us to see Miroku and Sango now?" he asked.

"I'm just waiting for the fairy," Ryukotsusei said, grinning wickedly and showing off his rows of pearly white teeth. "Come on now, princess."

"I'm insulted," Naraku muttered, climbing up the dragon's body to sit on his back. "Insulted and angry that we're friends. What did I do to deserve you?"

"You ended up in Hell," Inuyasha replied, forcing his smirk back down. There was no circumstance that he could see where this so-called curse was a bad thing. So far, all it had done was make his life considerably easier. And as a person in Hell, making life easier was generally a good thing. Why Kagome wanted him to stop using it was beyond him.

Surely, nothing could go wrong.

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><p>Although what <em>could<em> go wrong was Inuyasha's choice in friends. If the half-demon was going to man up and call them that, he also needed to fully understand that his friends were fucking batshit insane and that there was a reason they were all in _Hell_.

"So let me get this straight," Inuyasha stated, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You and Sango wanted to celebrate the end by taking me to all of Hell's hot spots."

Miroku and Sango nodded in unison, grinning from ear to ear.

"And the first thought in this list of magnificent things to see is a _pit of lava_. Not only does this pit of lava produce steam that is perfectly capable of melting off your face–"

"And your dick, that's important too," Miroku added firmly.

Inuyasha simply gave him a face. There were no words. None whatsoever. "So you bring me to a pit of lava that burns things off the once-human body, and you _fail _to tell me that at random increments it _explodes_ and thusly can actually _kill you!_"

"This time when they say kill, they actually mean it," Naraku helpfully points out. "Lava and vats of acid are normally what does the trick. It probably has to do with the whole burning-off-everything thing."

"Yes," Inuyasha snapped, "thank you, Sherlock. I'd have never pieced that together!" He may have been yelling.

Okay, he was yelling.

Naraku grinned. "Baby, you know you're always welcome. Although, I have no idea what Sherlock is. Is that an object of some sort? It sounds heavy."

Oh sweet Jesus, mother fuck.

The ground around them shook, a warning sign that Inuyasha hadn't heeded the first time. Of course, none of his _friends_ decided it was important enough and he has almost lost his ears for it. This time, Inuyasha took several cautious steps backwards, looking up as the steam began to rise and thicken. It grew, the mist swirling around him before all of a sudden the grumble of the earth stopped and fire exploded in a perfectly straight line towards the sky.

(Or was that just the bottom of the ground for those in the World of the Living?)

Ryukotsusei roared, his wings batting over and over to combat the steam that danced around them. It soon cleared, the fire blast returning back to its place under the ground. The dragon was grinning, obviously pleased with the spectacle, and Miroku and Sango were hugging like it was the coolest couple hangout since parking the car at a drive-in. Naraku was sitting on the rocky ground, staring at some rocks.

None of this particularly surprised him.

"It's it awesome how it shoots straight up and then goes back in straight down? There's absolutely no outwards spray," Ryukotsusei stated, fanning his wings again in glee. "Can you imagine using _that_ as a weapon against your enemies? They're flying really close to you and you seem them and _crap_, you can't out run them so you press a button the moment they hover over and _BAM_, you just burn them into flaming crisps. HA!"

"What if you could actually put some sort of bomb in it too? Something that would cause a residual spray?" Miroku wondered, looking up at the dragon. "You'd need a cover that would last those few seconds until it reached maximum height and then it would self-detonate as the cover was burned off."

"But then how would the bomb get in there?" Sango asked, joining the conversation. "You'd need a drop point for sure, but timing all of that would be pretty difficult – especially considering the situation Ryukotsusei is."

"Are you all for fucking real?" Inuyasha asked, staring at the people around him.

Naraku sighed dramatically and tilted his head so that it rested on the half-demon's shoulder. "Sometimes I think it's just you and me, love."

Nodding, Inuyasha figured that the fortune teller was right. It wasn't until he felt his hair being tugged to the side that he realized Naraku was pulling it, making his head fall on top of the fortune teller's so that they were almost cuddling. For about 3.2 seconds, they were.

"Better," Naraku said, sighing happily.

Inuyasha considered running into the pit of lava. "So where are we going next?" he asked, making the greasy-haired man jump up and down suddenly, clapping his hands. Obviously, where they were going next was approved of.

"Oh my goodness, you're going to _love_ it," Naraku said, pushing at the half-demon's back. "Come on all, let's get this party started. Back on the dragon, move that booty Sango."

It wasn't until they had already taken off that Inuyasha got any sort of _real_ answer.

"A bar," Sango cheered, holding out her hand so that Miroku could slap it in a congratulatory high-five. "It's _the _bar in Hell. It'll be a great way to send you off. It's not every day you get to go to Heaven, so we figured this bar would be perfect to let you know exactly what you're missing."

"_WHAT_?" Ryukotsusei yelled, startling everyone with his deep, rumbling voice. Oh, and the fact that for a moment in time they were actually _falling out of the fucking sky_. "What do you mean Inuyasha's going to Heaven?"

_Shit_, Inuyasha thought. _Goddamn_. If he could possibly lie and make it seem like not a big deal at all, then that would be perfect. He could get out of this tricky situation. It would be hard; they were flying in the air and if Ryukotsusei decided to drop them (literally) then it would suck. A lot.

The problem was that Inuyasha couldn't think of anything to tell the dragon.

Of course, that was why Naraku existed.

"Ry-Ry, sorry to burst your bubble but our boy is growing up. Moving to greener pastures. He's going to Heaven soon," the fortune teller said weakly, wiping away a stray tear. "What? I have _allergies_."

"Oh dear god, no," Inuyasha muttered.

"_WHAT?_" the dragon roared again. Twisting his neck, he nearly came snout to nose with Inuyasha, red eyes narrowing. "Tell me this isn't true!"

Inuyasha made a face, waving disinterestedly in his general direction. Maybe he could pass this off as a 'no big deal' type thing. Something that was hardly important. He wasn't important, really. His friends just seemed to think he was. "He might not be…wrong, per se. Although I did get a glimpse of Heaven and there sure as hell weren't any green pastures."

"You're leaving me," Ryukotsusei stated, deadly calm with virtually no expression on his face. "You're leaving me to go to Heaven."

"Technically, I'm leaving Hell itself, the place, and not _you_. I wouldn't want to leave _you_."

"Bullshit!" Sango sneezed out, blinking at him innocently afterwards. She gave him a mock salute and a wink when the half-demon looked over to glare.

"Don't worry Ry-Ry," Naraku tried, patting his big scaly neck. "You'll still have me forever and ever."

Ryukotsusei glared at Inuyasha. "Forget that lava pit. _I_ am going to burn you to a crisp."

Blinking, the half-demon quickly smirked before ordering, "Do not burn me to a crisp. Frankly, don't burn me at all with your magical, fire-breathing activities."

"Fine," the dragon huffed, scrunching his nose and turning his neck around to see ahead of him. "But I hate you." And with that, Ryukotsusei did a nearly vertical nosedive.

If Inuyasha wasn't already dead, he surely would've been then because of the imminent heart attack that ensued. There was only air, rushing around him and making his eyes water. His hair whipped around him, hands trying to clutch at something but Ryukotsusei's scales were hardly useful for a grip. Inuyasha was freaking because while he wasn't going to die, this was going to hurt a whole fucking lot that he didn't want. He was going to fall off and fly into the air only to crash back down on rocks or a skull or something.

And just like that, they crashed to the ground and all of Hell rumbled.

Okay, so maybe not that dramatic, but Inuyasha was on the verge of hyperventilating and this shit never got easier, _ever_.

Rolling desperately to get off of him, Inuyasha nearly landed on his face. Naraku was screaming like a girl still, freaking out and waving his hands like he'd seen a spider. Sango and Miroku were…well, it was possibly an introduction to We're-Alive sex, but Inuyasha wasn't going to stare long enough to figure it out and he sure as hell wasn't going to ask.

Ryukotsusei snorted, sending Inuyasha's hair into a further tizzy before he spread his wings once more.

"Hey!" Miroku yelled out, looking quite alarmed for someone who was supposedly about to have sex. Maybe that was off the table now. "What are you doing? You can't leave us!"

Ryukotsusei bared his teeth. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Want to say that again?"

Sango slapped a hand over the black-haired man's mouth.

"Exactly," the dragon snapped, pushing off and sending a big gale of wind that nearly forced them to their knees.

Inuyasha hated his afterlife. For fuck's sake, it was one adventure after another. "Please tell me we're not stranded," he murmured, trying to keep a firm grip on his calm. It wasn't working too well.

"We're not stranded."

"That's a lie!" Naraku shrieked, glaring at Miroku. "We are stranded because the only way back is across the Rickety Bridge of Doom and I do _not_ want to cross it because we all know what happens there!"

"What happens?" Inuyasha asked, trying hard to ignore the suspicious glances they were getting from the surrounding demons. A little ways away there was an old building with loud country music playing. Inuyasha could only hope that that was the bar Sango and Miroku had originally planned on taking him to.

"Don't be silly Naraku," Sango stated but the fortune teller silenced her with a very pointed figure on her nose.

"Honey, let the big boys talk about this now, okay?" At Sango's murderous expression, Naraku immediately shrunk away. "I take that back. I love you. Don't hurt me."

Miroku rolled his eyes. "The Rickety Bridge of Doom is a place you shouldn't go at night because the real baddies of Hell like to hang out around there."

"And do what?" Inuyasha asked, his golden eyes taking in the drunken crowd surrounding them. "Not let you pass until you say the magic password?"

"More like put a noose around your neck and then hang you from the bridge," Miroku answered smartly, waving his hand. "Close enough though. It doesn't matter because we'll probably be here all night drinking anyways. You only have a few days left and I will not let you go back to Heaven without some of your virtue destroyed."

Somehow that seemed contradictory but Inuyasha didn't say a word.

"Come on, never mind the big scary dragon," Sango said, grabbing Miroku and Inuyasha's wrists and all but dragging them. "Let's get a few drinks, have a good time and then we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

"HA!" Naraku chortled. "I get it! Cross that bridge because we're _literally_ crossing a bridge."

Inuyasha looked at the fortune teller blankly before turning to Sango. "I'm going to need a hell of a few first drinks."

The bar, appropriately named The Hellhole, was packed. Demons were everywhere, drinking and laughing and dancing. There were games of pool and darts, broken glasses littered under tables and two unfortunate drunkards puking in the corner. Overall, it was the grossest thing Inuyasha had experienced.

And yet.

"Four drinks and make them strong!" Miroku cheered the moment they reached the bar top, grinning. The bartender nodded at them in acknowledgement but was finishing serving another guest. While they waited, Inuyasha took a look at everyone in the room. There were shades of skin of every colour – blue and pink and purple – and some of them had human shapes while others were far more animalistic. There was even a demon that had sparkling wings, similar to that annoying fairy in that movie about flying children or whatever.

"Hey," Naraku stated, pouting. "The bartender just took care of some other people first. What gives?"

"He's busy, give him a moment," Miroku replied, shrugging. "He'll get to us. The other guy is probably a regular."

"Well I don't like it," Naraku answered, crossing his arms.

Sango's laughter made the three men jump, swivelling their hands to get a good look at her. She was rolling her eyes currently, shoulders rolling back as if to push off tension. A man behind her was grinning, red eyes clearly focused on her butt. "Go be a fucking creep somewhere else," Sango snapped, glaring daggers.

The demon put his hands up defensively but the smile never left his face. "I always get what I want," he said sweetly, the statement a cross between a threat and statement.

Inuyasha was having none of his shit, because no. Just no. "If I were you, I wouldn't try that again. Do yourself a favour and turn around."

Flashing yellow teeth, the demon tilted his head, inquiring. "And why not?"

Miroku put a hand on Inuyasha's arm, holding him back. "If you think bar fights are bad when you're alive–"

Sango clearly interrupted him and not too gently, either. "Because I'll fuck your shit up," she stated, cocking her hip. "Want to test me? Go right ahead."

Behind them, Naraku sighed. "This is why I can't take you to nice places. Not only that but this bartender sucks the big one. Where are our drinks?"

"Do we have a problem, gentlemen?" A demon that was significantly larger than the rest of the crowd stood up. He stared at them for a moment before making his way behind Douche I-Always-Get-Want-I-Want (IAGWIW).

Inuyasha had been a cop in his previous life. While the instincts seemed to be dissipating with every day spent in Hell, some things wouldn't change – like the alarm bells screaming in his head. There was going to be a massive brawl and all he wanted was a goddamn beer. "This doesn't have to get ugly."

"You're the ones complaining about everything," the tall demon responded with a smirk.

Sango scoffed loudly and if the entirety of the bar hadn't been aware of what was going on, they sure as hell were now. "Oh please. You're buddy can't keep it in his pants and has to go around harassing women. If anyone's been doing too much complaining, it's his dick."

"Well said," Miroku replied, nodding favourably.

Inuyasha could've smacked them both.

IAGWIW – Sango's most favourite demon of the night – growled loudly, fists clenching. Oh god, here it went. It was coming.

"I wouldn't do that!" Naraku chimed in, far too high-pitched to make any sort of threatening impact. In fact, both demons laughed. It actually became far worse because several other demons decided to back the other ones up so it was suddenly, and horribly, nine against four.

Inuyasha smirked.

"Take the hint, you don't want to fight us," Naraku repeated, eyeing the half-demon warily. "He's cursed."

The tall demon rolled his eyes. "Right, nice try."

All of a sudden Sango and Miroku whipped out guns – coming from _where_ Inuyasha had no idea – but the bar went from silent to nearly dead, everyone holding their breath. "Don't make this any worse for yourselves," Miroku stated simply, his aim pointedly at IAGWIW's groin. "It won't end well for you."

"We'll see about that," the demon spat and then suddenly it was chaos.

"Go fuck yourself," Inuyasha ordered, smirk still deadly on his lips. He turned when the demons before him trembled, making sure to get all of them that advanced. Sango ended up shooting IAGWIW, but it was after Inuyasha had controlled him so it was only a little bad.

Miroku then shot him in the dick, which was pretty much uncalled for. But then again, he liked explosives and his girlfriend had been harassed. It made sense.

"Go _fuck_ yourself," Inuyasha said for the last time, making the final demon who was dumb enough to try and fight them crumble to the floor, doing unspeakable things that made a few demons scream and run out of The Hellhole.

Naraku burst out laughing. "Hint _hint_ motherfucka, _hint hint_."

"Hey, you guys?" The bartender stared at them with wide red eyes, looking terrified and a little sick. "Here are your drinks."

Miroku stared at the demons doing unspeakable things on the floor, grimaced, and then stared at his friends with utter glee. "We are _awesome_. We're like fucking superheroes, you guys! We should be a team, you know, like a bad guy ass-kicking team."

"Yeah!" Naraku cheered, waving his hands to signify some sort of importance. "We need a cool name, and then codenames and–"

"More grenades," Sango hummed thoughtfully, grabbing her beer bottle and taking a long swig. "A lot more grenades."

"But what kind of name could we have?" Miroku pondered. "It would have to be cool, but something about being the vigilantes of Hell. The saviours of the truly evil and blah blah blah."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Hell's Angels?" Lord only knew how terribly that name had been overused.

"Ew." Miroku frowned. "Who the hell wants to be an angel?"

Naraku made an extreme decapitating motion with his hand, sticking out his tongue for effect. None of this was lost on Inuyasha.

"…I mean," Miroku started, "no offense."

The Hellhole was officially closed that night due to extreme strange sexually body fluids and the fact that several kegs of beer were stolen from the backroom. No attempt had been made to thwart the robbery, mostly because Inuyasha was still smirking and the other demons were still terrified.

When they all passed out drunk in some gross motel room that didn't actually have a bed, no one commented how the four of them all snuggled up to each other, dreaming of beer and bombs and boobs.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how Kagome Higurashi found them.

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><p><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>

_Endless Ideas: _Thanks dear! I aim to please :)

* * *

><p><strong>Feedback is utter love. I need you all to kick my ass some more and get me moving (see author's note on profile, blah).<strong>

**Also, this probably has only 4 more chapters left. Maybe 5? We'll see. SaraRosa and I had to sit and talk about this forever because the ending is very...tricky. So hopefully it works :)**


	17. Of Entourages and Enforcement

**Day 1 of the 12 Days of Witchyness!**

**Please Note:** NOT ALL PRESENTS WILL BE POSTED HERE. Some stories will be solely posted on my website due to the high maturity rating. My website will contain ALL presents. Example: Feel You In My Bones will ONLY be posted on my website because there will be porn in it. My profile page will contain a list for your viewing pleasure.

My undying thanks to** MacVP** for the super fast beta *hugs*

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventeen: Of Entourages and Enforcement<strong>

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><p>Water. There was a lot of warm water and it was everywhere and <em>holy shit<em>–

Sputtering at the water that was dripping down his face and hair, Inuyasha sat up straight and looked around the room in a frenzy. His hands grabbed at two warm bodies on either side of him and Sango actually screamed while Miroku jumped a mile high. And Naraku…where was Naraku?

"The hell is going on?" he asked, rolling to stand on his feet. Miroku stumbled only slightly before he noticed the other woman in the room. "Kagome?"

"Kagome?" Inuyasha asked, perking up despite the water that was now dripping down his back. "You're here!"

"Oh, yes, I am," Kagome answered, smiling. For some reason, the smile looked a hell of a lot more creepy than it did happy. "And do you know why I'm here?"

Sango groaned, rolling on the floor to curl in on herself. "Every inch of my body hurts. Why did we sleep on the floor? Miroku? Miroku, did I blow you last night because I have a really bad taste in my mouth again and–"

"Oh my _god_, please stop _talking!_" Inuyasha yelled.

"Please stop yelling!" Miroku whined, holding his head. "Oh my fuck, I haven't been this hung over in years. What did we do last night?"

"Sex apparently," Sango mumbled.

"No one had sex," Inuyasha stated firmly, frowning. He hoped they hadn't had sex. The more the half-demon thought about it, the more he realized that last night was mostly a blur of alcohol and fighting.

Sango hummed noncommittally, not believing him.

"Is the moment over?" Kagome asked suddenly, breaking the awkward tension in the motel room. "Is it my moment to shine?"

"Go ahead girl," Miroku replied, wincing. "Just, for the sake of my pounding head, don't shine too brightly."

Kagome gave a tight smile before pointing at Inuyasha, "What did I tell you?"

The half-demon blinked, shifting to cross his legs since it appeared the Neutral had a lot to say. "What did you tell me?"

Kagome rolled her eyes. "Yes, Inuyasha, what did I tell you before?"

"…I don't know?" Inuyasha wondered what was with the third degree. He had just been woken up quite rudely by the woman, who had dumped water on him with god only knew what. He had a hangover and apparently, there were a lot of questions that he needed to answer. How any of this made sense was beyond the half-demon.

"You're _not_ supposed to be using your curse!" Kagome hissed, glaring at him with dark eyes. "All I asked of you – literally, _all I asked of you_ – was for you to _not use your curse_. And what do you do? You go to bars! You don't pay! How don't you pay? _BECAUSE YOU ORDER THEM TO NOT LET YOU PAY_."

Inuyasha smirked at the thought but flinched the moment more water splashed him. Glaring at Kagome incredulously, he realized she had a water pitcher in her hands and it apparently still had water. How the hell did it hold so much? "What? It's not like anyone got hurt!"

"Oh, no, I wasn't done!" Kagome flailed her arms exaggeratedly, freaking. "Alone, tonight, you've been a fucking crazy case!"

Rolling his eyes, the half-demon stood up, not going to take another moment. "How the hell am I a crazy case? News flash: we're in Hell! The crazy is all around and it sure as fuck isn't focused on me!"

"You and your _entourage _fought a bunch of demons in a bar and _ordered_ them to…" Kagome grimaced, the words unwilling to leave her mouth. "You know _exactly_ what you ordered them to do."

"To go fuck themselves, yes, I remember. They deserved it. The one asshole wouldn't leave Sango alone."

"They totally deserved it," Sango muttered from her position on the floor. "You should've been there to see the brilliance that was our attack on the evil demons."

"You're all demons," Kagome mumbled, tired. "Everyone in Hell is a demon."

"But we are the saviours of it!" Miroku announced.

The Neutral merely smacked her face, sighing. "My point is that you're making it difficult," Kagome explained softly, finally looking back up at Inuyasha. "I have to convince the Board that you deserve to go back to Heaven. Now let me ask you this: does someone who ordered a bunch of demons to go 'fuck themselves' sound like someone who deserves to go to Heaven?"

Words caught in the half-demon's throat. "Can I talk to you?"

Kagome gave him a pointed look, wagging her fingers between the two of them. "Isn't that what we're doing?"

Miroku sighed dramatically. "Let me get Sango and we'll hide in the bathroom."

"There's a bathroom?" Sango mumbled, face finally making an appearance. "This fucking room doesn't even have a bed. How is there a bathroom?"

"It's okay love muffin," Miroku shushed, leaning down to pull her up into his arms. "We'll just get you situated. Maybe a hot shower?"

"Not bed but hot water?" Sango grumbled. "I don't understand where we are."

"Hell," Inuyasha muttered in response. "Only in fucking Hell."

"Amen," Sango said, holding out her fist for Inuyasha to bump. "I'm going to go throw up and you go make nice-nice with the Neutral. Please don't be mean to her, I like her."

Kagome rolled her eyes but smiled fondly at Sango. The moment the two of them left and went into the bathroom, the Neutral's demeanor changed. "So what's on your mind?" she asked, crossing her arms and leaning against the far wall.

Now that he had the opportunity, Inuyasha wasn't entirely sure what to do with it. He…well, he _wanted_ to go to Heaven because Hell was just… Well, no one wanted to be in Hell. Obviously. No one thought Hell was a good idea. Still, there were people here that he cared about.

Kagome was included in that.

That was a problem.

"I'm not sure about Heaven anymore," Inuyasha said quietly, walking up to the Neutral. "I think, maybe, I should just stay here."

Dark brown eyes assessed him, looking him up and down before they remained steady on his face. "Why? What's here that you can't get there?"

She practically walked into that one. "I think it's pretty obvious," he murmured, stopping only a step away.

Kagome ran a hand through her black hair, nervous but determined. "That's a bad reason."

"It might not be, you don't know," Inuyasha pointed out. "All it takes is one chance."

"Not a good idea," Kagome repeated. "You can't just throw away a chance at Heaven for…_this_."

"So there is a 'this,'" Inuyasha said, somewhat smug. "Let me take you out."

"You're my client. I can't."

"I'll cancel my trial. I don't want to go to Heaven. There, now I'm not your client."

"It's not that easy!" Kagome yelled, frustrated. Her brow furrowed, mouth a tight line as she stood against him. "That's a lot to throw away for a chance at a date that might not go all that well. I'm a Neutral, Inuyasha. That can make things really complicated."

"How?" the half-demon asked, getting tired. "How exactly is that going to make it more complicated than this mess already is?"

"Because I work _all the time_," she replied, grabbing at her hair. "And while I will always remain in Hell, there are things about my work and what I do that I will never be able to tell you. Not only that but if you stay here, you'll become the Ruler of Hell. _And_ you're cursed so eventually you're going to die. Have you even thought of that?"

"I haven't seen any vats of acid so I think I'm safe."

"For _fuck's sake_!" Kagome yelled, stomping her foot down. "Stop being so irrational!"

"Technically, I am being rational! It's you crazy people who think vats of acid are just going to appear out of the sky and kill me that are irrational!"

"See?" Kagome asked, a little desperately. "This will not work."

"It will. You're just being difficult."

Laughing, the Neutral shook her head and stepped to the side, avoiding him. "Nope. Look, I'm going to be extremely busy all of tomorrow planning for Hell Day so don't come find me. Don't come to see me. Nothing. I will talk to you after Hell Day and we'll figure this out. If you want to change your mind, _fine_, but it's going to change nothing about…" She waved her hand between them.

"Kagome, why–"

"GOOD MORNING!" Naraku cheered, bursting into the room with coffees and a paper bag. There was a massive smile on his face, which was creepier than normal with the way his eye shadow was all over his cheeks and forehead. He looked like a blue alien on crack.

It wasn't delightful.

It certainly didn't break the tension in the room.

The fortune teller deflated. "Oh, you're here," he muttered, looking at Kagome. He stared at Inuyasha. "And you've got your emo face on. Damn it all, this was supposed to be a fun day. Now you're both emo-ing all over and shit."

"It was just getting good too!" Miroku yelled from the other side of the bathroom door. He came out, looking only somewhat sheepish as the sounds of Sango puking in the toilet filled the room. "They were all declaring their love for each other."

"What?" Naraku asked, sighing dejectedly. "And without me? Come on, you both know you're hopeless at this."

"They suck," Sango commented frankly, clearly having a break from her heaving spell. "Like they actually suck so hard."

"Not that this isn't fun," Kagome started, "but I have a lot of work to do. If you'll excuse me."

"Kagome, don't leave–" But it was too late. Smoke appeared from the spot she once stood, the Neutral completely gone back to her office.

Naraku sighed. "You two are traumatic. I mean seriously, Hell is supposed to be a good time and you are ruining it."

"No one asked for your commenting," Inuyasha replied, crossing his arms. He sniffed at the air, eyeing the bag of pastries. "What did you buy?"

"Doughnuts!" the fortune teller replied brightly, handing the bag over. "Decorated especially for Hell Day!"

Inuyasha peeked in the bag and blinked. "Is that a drawing of a decapitated head?"

"Pretty good, huh?" Naraku replied.

"Oh, let me see!" Miroku begged, snatching the bag from the half-demon. "Sango, come and look at this! You'll love it! Hey, there's even a grenade one!"

"Tell me there aren't actual grenades on Hell Day," Inuyasha asked, somewhat fearful.

All three of them stared at the half-demon before shrugging.

Inuyasha did not feel confident by that in the least.

* * *

><p>The next day, Inuyasha went in search of Kagome. There was a post-it note on her office door. <em>Go away, Inuyasha.<em> Well. If she wanted to play it like that, then fine. Inuyasha went up to the front where he came in, looking around until he spotted one of Kagome's co-workers. She was a woman with short black hair and red eyes. Blood red lips curled into a smile as he approached. So far so good.

"Hi, I'm looking to find Kagome."

And just like that the smile was gone. "You're Inuyasha, aren't you?" It wasn't so much a question than a statement.

"Depends on who's asking. Do you know where I can find her?"

"Honey, even if I wanted to tell you I couldn't," the woman responded, sighing and turning away.

Quickly, Inuyasha grabbed her arm so that she could look at him. "What's your name?"

"Yura," the woman replied, looking displeased. "Now let go of me or I will have my pet hellhound come and eat you."

Inuyasha smirked, big and wide because what the hell. If Kagome wanted to play games with him then he was definitely going to win. "Tell me where Kagome is."

Yura blinked and tilted her head. "Well, she's obviously at a hotel, waiting for you to come and do dirty things to her body."

It was Inuyasha's turn to blink, because _what_?

"Oh and she wanted me to show you this so you could find her exactly," Yura stated, turning around to head back into her office. Inuyasha could only follow, somewhat dazed and horribly turned on. It was uncomfortable. The whole situation was uncomfortable. Maybe Kagome was right with the whole stop-using-your-curse thing. Yura handed him a piece of paper that was folded multiple times. It took him a minute to get it open but when he did, it was clear that he had been played.

Dear god had he been played.

_I knew you would do this. I'm not a moron. Don't look for me._

_P.S. There aren't any hotels in Hell so don't even think about wasting your time trying to find me because I'm not actually at one and I don't actually want you doing dirty things to my body_.

Liar, Inuyasha thought to himself. Of course, that meant he'd have to track the Neutral down.

And on Hell Day, there was only one place Kagome could be.

Inuyasha smirked, thanked Yura and disappeared. He had a lot of planning to do.

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><p><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>

_EndlessIdeas:_ Thank you darling! You're always so sweet :)

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><p><strong>Feedback is greatly appreciated! Happy Holidays Everyone!<strong>


	18. Of Sabotage and Sneezing

**Author's Note: **unedited, or this would've taken another three days to post.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

* * *

><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eighteen: Of Sabotage and Sneezing<strong>

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><p>"Welcome! Welcome to all! Welcome to Hell Day!"<p>

Hell Day could be summed up in one word: in-fucking-sane. People were dressed up in such a way that it was hard to determine what was actually going on. On the one hand, there were demons wearing leather, chains and a lot of black, while others wore colourful costumes involving feathers and sequins and frankly, way too much fucking glitter. It was like the Hell's Angels and the performers of Mardi Gras coming together for a convention on drinking and booty-shaking.

It was horrifying. There were peacock feathers blocking his view almost everywhere. He was starting to become suspicious about it all. Something was poking his butt and yet, every time he checked _nothing was there_.

Inuyasha narrowed his eyes and surveyed the crowd, trying to remain inconspicuous. "Okay, we need to keep low guys. The only way we're going to find her is by surprising her."

"I don't understand why you're going to all this trouble," Miroku muttered under his breath, putting a pair of massive military-grade binoculars to his eyes. "We can just find her later."

"Later is too late," Inuyasha replied, trying to stress the point without actually saying _why _it was a problem. He hadn't exactly spelled it out for them but the half-demon assumed they both knew. "I'll be in court with the Board to determine if I can go to Heaven and then _it's too late_." Sango hummed and Miroku continued to look around. "Where is Naraku? Didn't you tell him to meet us here?"

Miroku shrugged at Inuyasha, unable to explain. "He said he'd be here."

"Kagome is definitely going to win. She's pretty kick ass," Sango agreed, going back to their previous discussion. "I can see why you want to talk to her now. Are you going to propose to her or what?"

"_What_?!" The screech was so loud that many of the Hell Day's patrons turned to look at them disapprovingly. Inuyasha knew that screech. There was only one man in Hell who could do it so perfectly. "Babycakes, _no_, what?"

"No one is proposing to _anyone_. We haven't even–" He cut himself off abruptly, tensing his body to pretend he had seen something that made him stop speaking.

Naraku wasn't buying any of it. Frankly, he never bought anything that Inuyasha attempted to sell. "Had sex? Fooled around? Kissed? Declared undying, everlasting love?"

"How does that timeline even work?" Sango asked.

"That's how it worked for us," Miroku stated, a wicked grin on his face. Sango smacked it off, thankfully, because too many Cheshire Cat looks made Inuyasha want to increasingly punch something. "It's not a bad thing!" he continued, unashamed.

"It's not, but it is when Inuyasha's being stupid about the whole thing." Naraku sighed, looking far too put upon for a man wearing eye shadow. "Baby, I've got one thing and only one thing to tell you–"

"Somehow, I really doubt that."

"–If you're going to make a move, _make a move_. Kagome is a classy woman and a Neutral to boot. Do you even have a plan on how to woo her?"

The half-demon twitched. "_Woo_?"

"Yes," Naraku replied, speaking as if Inuyasha was particularly slow. "Woo. Court. Pursue. Entrance. Pick one. I don't care as long as you have a plan."

Inuyasha nodded. "I have a plan."

"Oh really, what is it?" Sango asked, smiling. It looked far too innocent to be anything remotely close to real. She was a deceiving bitch and it was entirely unfair.

"I don't want to ruin the surprise," he answered lamely. "Now can we just focus on finding her? A plan to _woo_ her won't do any good if I can't _find_ her to woo in the first place."

Naraku wiped a fake tear from his eye. "He doesn't have a plan," he murmured tragically. "Oh Sango, what are we going to do with him? He's going to leave us."

"Hey, I think I found her!" Miroku's hand grabbed fiercely at Inuyasha's t-shirt, dragging him over and forcing the binoculars into his hand. "Red suit jacket. Black skirt. She's just to the left of the stage."

Inuyasha quickly put the binoculars to his eyes, trying to focus on the area his friend was talking about. It took him a long time to spot her but eventually he did – she was practically hidden by a massive yellow demon who was wearing…well, not much of anything. She was talking to someone else, someone he couldn't see but it hardly mattered. Inuyasha had found her. All he had to do now was talk to her and explain that _no_, he wasn't going to go back to Heaven.

He didn't want to, not anymore.

"Do you see her?" Naraku asked, the line of his body pressing against Inuyasha's back. The half-demon would be worried if Naraku wasn't giggling hysterically at something else. Maybe whatever was touching Inuyasha's butt previously wasn't touching his now too.

Or something.

"I'm going," Inuyasha stated, thrusting the binoculars back without paying much attention and giving them to whoever grabbed the bulky black things. He started to push his way through the crowd, demons giving him strange looks as he passed. "Excuse me," Inuyasha muttered under his breath, not even flinching when the demon tensed his body so that it was like passing by a brick wall. He tried to get another good look at the side stage where Kagome was but there were far too many bodies and he was still so far away.

"Need help?"

Inuyasha sighed but nodded, gesturing with his hand for the sparkling fortune teller to lead the way. Naraku shimmied – as if _he_ was the one wearing peacock feathers – and then started to dance and sing his way through the crowd. "Mama-say, mama-sa, ma-ma-ko-sa! Mama-say, mama-sa, ma-ma-ko-sa! Mama-say, mama-sa, ma-ma-ko-sa!" It was only a little bit offensive that he was twirling too, like moving through a crowd was _no big deal_ when Inuyasha had just been struggling _forever_.

Also. "Are you singing Rihanna?" Inuyasha asked, horrified. "I thought you were dead a lot fucking longer than that."

"Ri– Hold up." Naraku waved a hand in Inuyasha's face, bitch-face in place. All he was missing was a snap of his fingers, although the half-demon doubted the conversation would be without them. "Who?"

"Rihanna. Singer. Good girl gone bad and all that," he replied, suspicious. "Please tell me you aren't aware of her and it was just a really fucking good coincidence."

"Nah-uh, not even. I'm singing my boy Michael, baby." Naraku raised a brow. "Who's this bitch taking his lines? Does she wanna be startin' something?" A finger snapped pointedly in his face.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Clever. Still doesn't explain how you know that song."

"You've seen the way he moves!" Naraku did something horribly wretched with his body, feet crossing and sliding across the dirt like it was his personal stage. "Those dance moves were sinful and _delicious_."

"Preach it!" another demon yelled, coming towards them with his hands in the air. He had fucking makeup on too, only this time it was _under his eyes_ and seriously, _what the hell_.

"I've got a crisis here and you've distracted me long enough," Inuyasha stated. He blinked when Naraku didn't instantly whine or make a face or tell him what was right. Naraku just…batted his eyelashes and…grinded the air.

Okay.

Inuyasha was only a tad bit confused when the other guy joined in. "I'm just going to…go." The half-demon watched them again for a second because…well, because. It was like watching a train wreck, or something, but sexier in a strange way because the only disaster waiting to happen was Naraku somehow getting pregnant and…

"BYE!" Inuyasha bolted so fast he knocked down a demon that looked like a medieval executioner and another peacock. It felt like forever before the stage was even in sight and by this point it would be a miracle of Kagome was even there still. There was no way. But he had to find her. He had to.

A red jacket came into view and Inuyasha shoved harder to break free of the mass of swarming demons. "Kagome!" he yelled, near stumbling over what appeared to be a used condom. "Kagome!"

It was all very romantic, you see.

"Inuyasha!"

Of course, the romance would be better suited if the correct person – i.e. the romantic interest – was actually the voice calling out to him.

"What the hell?" Inuyasha asked when a shadow loomed over him. Hovering just over him was Ryukotsusei, a dark shadow spanning across many. Demons everywhere started cheering and whistling, a few even wasted enough to attempt to hop onto his clawed feet. "Ry, I'm busy right now–"

"No!" the dragon roared, clearly pissed off. "No, Inuyasha, you will listen!"

Obviously, the entire parade of demons listened because it wouldn't be Hell Day without Inuyasha's day going to Hell. Figuratively, although literally was a foregone conclusion.

Inuyasha looked to the side of the stage, hoping against hope that Kagome was one of the people captivated by Ryukotsusei's fiery anger. She wasn't though because the red suit jacket was nowhere in sight. Maybe she was backstage. He could find her still!

A clawed nail tapped him lightly on the shoulder and Inuyasha gritted his teeth as he faced the dragon. "Yes?"

"I have come to ask you to reconsider," Ryukotsusei said, and although he wasn't trying to be loud, every single demon in Hell was just staring, not even whispering. The dragon could've been whispering and everyone would have heard it. "Hell needs you, Captain. We need our Ruler of Hell."

Oh god, this was so much worse than he imagined. "Look, I swear to you, I'm trying to _stay_–"

"_He's the Ruler of Hell?"_

"_That guy?"_

"–_Ruler of Hell?"_

"_Who the–"_

"_He's so pretty!"_

"_Ruler of–"_

"–_Hell is going on?"_

"_He's the Ruler of Hell? No fucking way."_

Inuyasha felt hands gripping at him and the half-demon turned to push them off. It was terrifying, in that moment, to see so many red eyes staring down upon him. They were grabbing at him, lifting him, pushing him. Inuyasha tried to fight them off, telling them that he wasn't their ruler, _okay_? But none of them listened. The silver-haired man was being hauled into the air, hands everywhere keeping his body horizontal as they surfed him along the crowd.

"PUT ME DOWN!" Inuyasha yelled. "KAGOME!"

"Kagome! Kagome! Kagome!" the crowd cheered but Inuyasha was still moving, still be thrust into some unknown direction that he couldn't see. It wasn't until hard wood pushed at his back that Inuyasha realized he was on the _stage_, right at the front, and the demons were still cheering. Some of them shouted Kagome's name while many others yelled his own. It was all overwhelming and when Inuyasha tried to find Kagome, all he could see was Ryukotsusei's smug grin.

The fucking bastard.

Suddenly some scrawny demon ran on stage, a microphone in his hand that he all but threw at the half-demon. The kid looked utterly frightened and quickly scurried off, leaving Inuyasha with a crowd of rowdy demons and a microphone that may or may not work.

"Um, hello?" His voice vibrated through invisible speakers – seriously, he had no fucking clue where they were – and the crowd started to scream, hands in the air as they danced and partied some more.

_Ruler of Hell. Ruler of Hell. Ruler of Hell. Ruler of Hell._

What a clusterfuck.

"I'm…" The demons roared. Inuyasha possibly – absolutely _didn't_ – flinch. "I'm Inuyasha and I'm just trying to find someone. Her name is Kagome and she's a Neutral."

_Neutral. Neutral. Neutral._

This was becoming ridiculous.

"It's important. I have to tell her something so it would be really helpful if all of you could do something other than repeat a word that I say," Inuyasha said. "I'm not your Ruler–"

"I'm going to _kill_ you, do you hear me?" Kagome shrieked, the high-pitched voice making him whirl around. "You are single-handedly ruining Hell Day!"

_Hell Day! Hell Day! Hell Day! Hell Day! Hell Day!_

Kagome was wearing a red suit jacket, but her face was probably a darker shade of it. She looked absolutely furious, hands balled into fists as she stormed the stage to poke him in the chest. "I worked so _very_ hard on this project and obviously it would be _you_ who would bodysurf onto the stage just to make some dumb announcement!"

Obviously, because the microphone was still on, all of Hell could probably hear it.

"I just need a second," Inuyasha said, almost desperately as he grabbed her wrist. "Just one."

"Well you have plenty now!" Kagome ranted, throwing her arms up in the air and dislodging his grip. "All the demons clearly enjoy your presence and what, you think whatever I've got planned now is going to do anything for them? No! No of course it won't! All of my hard work is going to _shit_!"

"I'm going to fall in love you," Inuyasha yelled, thrusting the microphone into her face. "So stop talking for just one second so I can tell you that I don't want to go to Heaven. Not _only_ that, but I've got a _life_ here!"

"Afterlife!" a demon from the crowd yelled, helpfully.

"So stop yelling at me and let me _speak_, god-fucking-dammit, Kagome!"

The Neutral simply stared at him, but any anger that was once directed his way was suddenly gone. She looked almost confused, her head tilted as her brown eyes went between him and the crowd of onlookers. "It's not about–"

"Not about you," Inuyasha reassured. "I just like here a hell of a lot more."

Another demon yelled, "Pun intended!" Inuyasha glared at the crowd. "Or not!"

For fuck's sake.

"And now," Inuyasha said, "I'm going to kiss you and you're not going to complain for a whole thirty seconds afterwards, or so help me–"

Suddenly, the half-demon froze, face twitching uncontrollably. His nose scrunched up and he couldn't stop it, holy crap, what was _happening_–

"Don't–"

And then, Inuyasha sneezed.

* * *

><p><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>

_Whoobonhooaglo:_ Hahaha way to make my night! Thank you dear, I hope you enjoyed :)

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><p><strong>Feedback is love.<strong>


	19. Of Saviour and Satan

**Author's Note: **I am officially back. OFFICIALLY. Undergrad is done and I have so much free time I'm practically swimming in it. Expect updates minimum once per week for like, the rest of ever (well, for at least a long while).

Also, a very happy and (extremely! EXTREMELY!) belated birthday to** Dolly Doll Face/Singing Artist.** Forgive me!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Nineteen: Of Saviour and Satan<strong>

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><p>One would think that after the disaster in Heaven, there would be safeguards put into place to prevent anything like this from happening ever again.<p>

Apparently not.

"What…the actual…fuck!" someone screamed. There was a lot of screaming. A lot of screaming and teeth chattering and wails from the demons that were slipping and falling everywhere. Because Hell?

It had frozen over.

"Of course," Kagome stated, shock clear in both her expression and voice, "fireballs in Heaven and snow in Hell."

Inuyasha had a response to that. He truly did. The problem was he was quickly, and efficiently, transported to no-one-knows-the-fuck-where. To add to the pickle on the pile of shit that was his afterlife, he blacked out.

So far, his afterlife had been fan-fucking-tastic.

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><p>Maybe he was in Limbo. There was such a thing as Limbo, right? It was the in-between of Heaven and Hell, or something? No? Well fuck.<p>

"Stop making that face and wake up, Inuyasha. I don't have time for your drama."

Eyes fluttering open, Inuyasha tried hard not to close them again from the light. It was bright, wherever the hell he was, and his head was pounding. It was a relief that he still existed in the afterlife, but Inuyasha had hoped that he'd be visited by someone who was less asshole and more sexy.

To be honest, anyone but the person before him would have been preferable. "Sesshomaru, where am I?"

"I said I don't have time for your drama," Sesshomaru echoed, face a perfect mask of indifference. "Get up, or we're going to be late."

"Late for– Why the fuck are you holding a sword?" Inuyasha didn't move from the small bed he was lying on because getting off implied that he would stand closer to his half-brother, who was a bastard holding a sword. _A sword_. It didn't look sharp but Inuyasha was already dead, so maybe it didn't have to be.

"As a member of Heaven's Board of Directors, I must have it during such trials. Now do you want to be late for yours and keep God and Satan waiting, or would you rather be on time?"

Inuyasha blinked. "I'm going to meet God and Satan?" His brother merely stared at him, a finger crooking in the upwards direction. The half-demon got the point, getting off the bed but refusing to be quiet about it. "What kind of trial do I have? Kagome said that my trial was only with Heaven's Directors, not… _God_."

"It's the first trial of its kind, clearly," Sesshomaru stated. "No one yet has made both Heaven burn and Hell freeze over. Satan, while amused with the concept of a snowball fight, decided that hypothermia was not for him. God, likewise, didn't like his garden being shriveled up. Now stop talking and let's go."

Obeying, but only because Inuyasha wasn't sure where else to go, the two of them walked down a long white hall. There weren't any doors, and no pictures or stains lined the walls. Everything was pristine and perfect. Inuyasha desperately missed the explosions and dirt from Hell. Well, fat chance that he'd go back now. He had successfully managed to destroy both places in the afterlife. Where was he going to go? He shared these thoughts with Sesshomaru, who merely glared at him and pointed to large double doors.

"In there?" Inuyasha asked, sparing a glance towards the entryway. "Are you sure I won't be struck with lightning or a fireball upon entrance?"

"If you don't get in there, I'll smite you myself."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes and pushed his way through the white doors, taking in what looked like every boring, standard courtroom back when he was alive. His golden eyes immediately zoomed to where two large elevated platforms sat at the far back of the room. No one was there, or no one was there _yet_, and Inuyasha slowly but surely walked towards the front. Pushing his way through the small wooden door blocking off the seating area, the half-demon did a full three-sixty of the room. Even with the two main stands at the front, and what looked like a jury bench on either side of the room, it was just a plain old courtroom.

It was really fucking boring. What the hell was he doing here?

And then, from somewhere that distinctly sounded like it was _in his brain_, a bell went off.

Squeezing his eyes shut and grabbing at the ears on the top of his head, Inuyasha wished the damn noise would go away. It was loud and blaring and it didn't seem like it was going to end anytime soon. The cool feeling of a hand on his forehead made all the noise go away, like water evaporating on a hot summer's day, and Inuyasha opened his eyes to see Kagome staring at him.

"Technically you need to be a Neutral to be here. Is that better?" she asked, taking a step back and gesturing with her head towards the Defendant's side.

"Significantly," he murmured, unable to believe his luck. "Why are you here?"

"I think the answer is pretty obvious." The answer came from an unknown voice, the androgynous sound catching his attention. "We're here because of you."

"We?" Inuyasha watched Kagome raise her eyebrow in amusement before he caught sight of twelve people sitting a bit behind her, in the one jury bench he saw earlier. Whipping around, the other was full too, Sesshomaru sitting somewhere in the front. "Where did you all come from?"

"We were summoned," Kagome replied, grabbing at his hand and pulling him to sit down on the seat. "Now listen to me, please, because we won't have time to talk for a while. I need you to be good. Let me handle this as best as I can. I'm afraid, however, that this is completely out of my pay grade."

Inuyasha smirked, not really analyzing what she was saying but focusing instead on the fact that she was _there_. "I'm just that classy."

A sharp kick to his calf made the half-demon flinch. "You're just that annoying. Seriously, your death has been a pain in the ass around here," a short child said, glaring. It was a small girl – boy? – with black hair and red eyes. "Neither of Them are pleased.'

"Who the fuck is Them?" Inuyasha asked, glaring at the child. "And who the fuck do you think you are?"

Kagome sighed dramatically, and the sound of her hand hitting her face was heard throughout. "This is actually what I was talking about. What part of _be good_ do you not understand?"

Suddenly, the small girl straightened up, running to the centre of the two platforms. She stood proud, eyes nearly at the ceiling with her hands down by her sides. "Attention to the court! Attention! We now welcome The Honourables!" Just as the young girl raised her hands, two large clouds of dust settled around the platform, spreading until very little was visible at all. Inuyasha winced, coughing slightly as the smoke dissipated.

"Honourables isn't even a word," Inuyasha hissed, golden eyes trying to see past the cloud.

"_That's _what you think about?" Kagome replied, suddenly almost hysterical.

"Why are you so scared looking right now?" the half-demon asked, seeing her wide-eyed look and realizing it was probably close to this own. "Oh shit, you've never met them before?"

"_Who do you think I am_?" Kagome hissed, high-pitched and somewhat frantic. "I've never gone to court where they were the judges! It's always the Board of Heaven or occasionally the Board of Hell. This is totally _different_."

Finally, the smoke disappeared.

"What the actual fuck," Inuyasha stated, blinking.

"Language, potty mouth!" God yelled.

Kagome smacked the back of his head. "Be _good_," she repeated.

"You can't honestly tell me that God and the Devil are…twins?" Inuyasha stared at the sight before him, at two little redhead kids with big green eyes and a lollipop each in their mouth. "I mean, they're barely six."

"Inu_yasha_," Kagome exclaimed, dangerously close to hitting him again.

"No, he's right," the kid stated, the one wearing a white vest with a green shirt and blue pants. Supposedly, _he_ was God? "I'm not God."

Oh good.

The same kid continued. "I'm a stand-in, since God and the Devil are currently having their weekly golf game. You know how it is."

The twin, the one wearing the red vest, let out a loud noise when the lollipop came out. "Plus, the Devil was planning on burning you if he actually saw your face. The hypothermia really didn't do well for his naturally rosy complexion."

"I can imagine," Inuyasha murmured. "So who are you then?"

Kagome sighed beside him, apparently giving up.

"My name is Shippo," the devil stand-in said, grinning before licking the lollipop once more. "And he's Shippo too. Technically, we're the same person."

"Oh fantastic," Inuyasha whispered. He turned to the Neutral, eyeing her. "At least some of the pressure is off?"

Staring at him with brown eyes and completely frustrated, Kagome turned to face Shippo. "Your Honour, Mr. Taisho is a half-demon, originally sent to Heaven because his soul was too light. He sneezed and then broke Heaven."

God-Shippo leaned back in his seat, twirling the lollipop in his hands. Was that bubble gum flavour? Strawberry? It was pink enough. "And then he went to Hell and sneezed once more, causing Hell to freeze over."

"I didn't _try_ to do it!" Inuyasha exclaimed.

"Who, exactly, is the Neutral here?" Devil-Shippo asked pointedly, gesturing towards the half-demon with his lollipop. Orange flavoured, definitely. "Stop talking, Mr. Taisho."

Inuyasha glared because seriously, a six-year old was telling him to shut up? He crossed his arms and sulked. Kagome, strangely enough, was smiling happily. "Yes, Your Honour. That's correct."

"So the reason we're here today is to determine where to put him," Devil-Shippo continued. "It's kind of an interesting predicament."

"Does he even know what the word means?" Inuyasha whispered. Everyone ignored him.

"I'm going to open this up to the Boards for an opinion," God-Shippo said.

"Ugh, that'll be so _boring_," Devil-Shippo whined. "It's pretty obvious what we have to do."

"Um, excuse me–"

"I wish to speak."

Inuyasha closed his mouth hard, interrupted and thrown by the fact that his half-brother was standing up at attention. This could only go poorly, considering the last time they really spoke Inuyasha curse-ordered him into fucking himself. "I _really _don't think he should speak!"

God-Shippo raised an eyebrow at him, clearly annoyed. "Shush."

"Let me do the talking you idiot," Kagome snapped, grabbing at his wrist and tugging him down hard. "Trust me– Your Honours, I request to speak on behalf of my client regarding the situation and the hoped-for outcome. While Mr. Taisho has been unable to successfully remain in either Heaven or Hell, he wishes to have the situation quickly resolved and…would like to return to Hell."

Looking at Kagome with wide golden eyes, Inuyasha couldn't help the tiny smirk that appeared on his face. He got through to her. He _actually _did it.

"Isn't he cursed?" Devil-Shippo asked suddenly, pointing at the half-demon. "Doesn't the smirk preclude something insane?"

"Stop smirking!" God-Shippo yelled, his voice suddenly booming around the entire court. The members in the Board of Hell narrowed their eyes, some even hissing, but the courtroom fell eerily silent afterwards, ominous.

Inuyasha blinked, shocked at the response. "What, that shit works on you?"

Both Shippos looked extremely skittish. "No," they replied, in unison. "Don't look at us like that," Devil-Shippo warned.

"Inuyasha," Kagome hissed.

_Fuck yes._ Smirking broadly, the half-demon jumped onto the table and raised his hands. "Remove my ability to sneeze and return me to Hell. Now!" He made sure to look at each and every face in the room, although Sesshomaru was pointedly looking at the ceiling, immune. That was a very large potential worry, but the half-demon didn't really have another choice. Leaving his fate in the hands of two (one?) six year-olds was bad enough.

"Inuyasha, what the _fucking_ hell are you doing?" Kagome yelled, grabbing at his shirt and tugging him back down. "That is _not_ the way to do this–"

The sound of two gavels smashing down filled the room. Inuyasha nearly fell as Kagome all but tossed him down to the ground. Chairs screeched back and the small girl that announced The Honourables in started to shout, "Order in the court! Order in the court!"

"Mr. Taisho!" God-Shippo boomed, leaning forward on his podium. "Stand please."

Considering Kagome was gripping his shirt impossibly tight still, it was easier said than done. "Uh, Kagome–" he started, cringing.

"I want to actually _strangle the shit _out of you," Kagome muttered, letting go and sitting down loudly in her seat. "Go on," she encouraged finally, glaring. "You clearly don't need any form of representation since you don't listen to me anyways."

"I'm not– Kagome, I really–"

"Ew!" Devil-Shippo yelled, flailing his hands around. "Stop with the eyes, please Mr. Taisho! Stand up and look here and don't try to be all googly-eyed. That's gross."

Really? Was this a fucking joke? Taking a deep breath and forcibly looking towards the two judges, Inuyasha nodded. Composure was key here. If his curse worked then he was going to get his way. _That_ was all that mattered. "Yes?"

In a slow, almost dance-like movement, God-Shippo and Devil-Shippo spun around once, jumped into the air and threw their hands down, pink smoke enveloping the room much like the way they entered. The entire court coughed, complaining, but when the smoke disappeared both of the judges were grinning. "And now you can't sneeze ever," Devil-Shippo explained. "So let's wrap this up because frankly, I'm bored. Addressing the Board of Hell: does anyone disagree in letting Mr. Taisho resume residence in Hell?" No one spoke up. "Now addressing the Board of Heaven: does anyone disagree in letting Mr. Taisho resume residence in Hell?" No one, not even Sesshomaru, said a word.

"Then by the powers vested in us, you, Mr. Taisho, will remain in Hell for the duration of your afterlife. Sesshomaru, you may now stab Mr. Taisho with the Tenseiga. Have a great afterlife everyone," God-Shippo finished, grinning wickedly. For a moment, it looked like the two vests switched colours; red faded to white and white changed to red. That…probably wasn't good?

"Wait, what?" Inuyasha yelped, stumbling back in his chair while his half-brother came forward with that same stupid sword in his hands. How was this even happening? "_Why the fuck do you have to stab me_?! KAGOME!"

And then, Inuyasha was stabbed by his half-brother, who grinned for the first time in possibly the history of ever. The half-demon then continued to bleed out. And then he died, spectacularly – but not as spectacularly as when he first died by a banana peel. Nothing could beat death by banana peel.

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><p><strong>Comments to Acknowledge<strong>

_Kagome PureHeart:_ Hell totally enjoys chaos. I'm just pretty sure demons hate the cold, considering they are supposed to live in an oven (although, in my Hell it's only lukewarm, because I enjoy being contrary). Thank you dear!

_ONNMT:_ Never abandon my dear! Just...disappear haha. But, as the label says, I'm totally and officially back. I'll be spamming the crap out of you soon enough. Thank you very much :D

_Awesome:_ AW, I'm so glad I made your day! Hopefully, you didn't decide to strangle me for taking so long but you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you!

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><p><strong>Next chapter is the last. Right.<strong>

**Any requests for story to update the fastest?**


	20. Of Rulers and Romance

**Author's Note: **Yes, I've been away. My website currently holds the biggest explanation you'll be getting. Thank you to everyone for all of the support these last few months. I'm going to make it up to you.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

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><p><strong>Winging It<strong>

**(Or How a Half-Demon Ruled the Underworld One Smirk at a Time)**

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><p><strong>Chapter Twenty: Of Rulers and Romance<strong>

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><p><em>Wake the fuck up, you sons of bitches. The next stop is Hellfire 'D,' and absolutely zero fucks are given if you knew that already. Peace out, motherfuckers.<em>

Inuyasha jolted, his entire body throwing itself forwards as his eyes finally opened. His hands grasped at his shirt – not ripped, no hole – and he looked down to see that he wasn't bleeding. He wasn't bleeding.

…He wasn't bleeding?

The last thing he remembered was Sesshomaru _stabbing him_, what a fucking _asshole_. He stabbed him with a sword for no reason and it was a dick move. He hadn't even been able to talk to Kagome first, to thank her or apologize or…whatever.

Wow, his head was hurting like a bitch. Wincing at the pain, Inuyasha squinted at his surroundings, noting that he was indeed back on the flying bus. There were four other people on it with him – wait, no, there was a couple making out, so five – and he didn't recognize any of them. A small pang registered in his brain, making him realize with an almost violent start that he actually missed Naraku.

Already.

Which was creepy because Naraku was… Well, he was Naraku and that was self-explanatory.

"_Oh my god_, he's awake!"

The voice wasn't familiar, which was why Inuyasha was silently praying for a less crazy person. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe this guide wouldn't be as strange as Naraku and more…normal. Naraku was crazy enough for him. The moment Inuyasha landed, he'd have to find all of his friends.

"BABYCAKES, YOU'RE AWAKE!"

The exclamation startled the half-demon. Inuyasha turned sharply, his golden eyes staring right at Naraku's beaming face – blue eye shadow and all. "Wait, you _are_ here?" And then it finally processed because no one else on the bus was sitting with a passenger besides Naraku, and there was definitely another guy sitting beside Naraku, smiling just as strangely.

"You're right," the man said, nodding sagely. "He's totally fucking hot."

"Right?" Naraku asked unnecessarily. The fortune teller grinned and looked back at Inuyasha. "How are you feeling?"

"How should I be feeling?" he asked back, cautious now. "Also, isn't it rude to call someone hot right after you make out with a completely different person?"

"Don't be jealous, babycakes," Naraku cooed, petting his apparent-boyfriend instead. "This is Jakotsu. He's the one that grabbed my ass at your little shindig. You know, right before you froze Hell over." There was a moment of concern flashing across his face, lines appearing on his forehead. "You…remember that, right?"

Inuyasha scoffed. "I remember everything. Sesshomaru fucking _stabbed_ me!"

"He doesn't know, does he?" Jakotsu asked, somewhat sadly.

The half-demon was getting more and more worried by the second. "What? What don't I know? Shit, did he stab Kagome too? I'll fucking _wring his neck_ and order him to fuck himself again for the rest of eternity." Naraku burst out laughing while Jakotsu merely blinked, wide-eyed and almost scared. "Fuck. Off."

"No, no," Naraku pleaded, making hand-waving gestures that meant absolutely nothing. The bus suddenly took a violent turn and started to dip downwards, spiralling. Inuyasha had encountered this before so he merely held on, his focus solely on getting the damn fortune teller to explain. "No, Sesshomaru stabbed you because he was banishing Heaven from you. You chose to reside in Hell, so now you're here permanently."

Blinking, the half-demon processed that. The bus' one window near the front shattered. A Barbie doll head rolled to the dirty, moldy ground. "Okay, but that's a good thing. Why did you make it sound so terrible?"

"Because, sweetie," Jakotsu said, reaching out and patting Inuyasha's head. "By staying here, you had to become Ruler of Hell, officially. Part of the ceremony is the fan-favourite: decapitation. The Board of Hell decapitated you right after."

Inuyasha just stared, somewhat horrified. The urge to touch his neck was almost excruciating.

"Don't worry, you're just as beautiful as ever," Naraku said sweetly, winking. He ducked quickly to avoid a machete that was flying towards the back of the flying bus as they continued to spiral downwards. "So, does it feel any different being the official Ruler of Hell?"

"Should it?" the half-demon asked, somewhat wary. "What do I even do?"

"The fuck if we know," Jakotsu replied, shrugging. He scratched at his nose and then scrunched it, making Naraku coo something incoherent about cuteness. "You act high and mighty and get whatever you want."

Inuyasha wasn't sure how that was any different from a normal demon. Wasn't it all kill or be killed? Steal to get what you want? Every man for himself? "How are Miroku and Sango?"

"Last I heard, they blew up a museum," Naraku replied, waving a hand in the air. "You know them. They tagged up with Ry-Ry to build some sort of bazooka bomb fiery explosion thingy."

He shouldn't have been surprised. "And Kagome?"

The bus slammed into the ground – or landed, whichever since they weren't dead – and the speakers crackled to life. _For fuck's sake, get the fuck off. This is Hellfire 'D' and all of you have a very shitty evening._

Waiting for an old crotchety demon to get off, Inuyasha followed behind and let his golden eyes roam the moment he was out in the open. It looked exactly the same as the first time he landed here, with Naraku smacking gum irritably at him and talking incessantly.

"Ready to go home, babycakes?" Naraku asked, pulling him by the arm to a clearing just a little away. Not that Hell wasn't full of clutter – it was mostly a wasteland of gravel and dirt and dust – but this area seemed pretty specifically cleared, as if something large was coming.

"That depends," Inuyasha replied, giving Naraku the stink-eye. "You never did answer my question about Kagome."

"Kagome, Kagome, _Kagome_," Naraku whined, glaring at Jakotsu. "Do you see what I've had to put up with?"

Jakotsu rolled his eyes in return. "The horror: looking at this gorgeous man move his lips. You don't actually have to listen to him, you know."

"That's very rude," Inuyasha pointed out. "I have solid insights that are important."

"You're attractive and quasi-taken, so I'm going to use you for porn in my mind," Jakotsu explained, slowly, like he was talking to a child. "Unless you're open to foursomes with Kagome, then by all means, I can take you seriously."

The half-demon blinked and turned to Naraku. "You've got to be fucking kidding me. I don't like him."

"Too damn bad, baby," the fortune teller replied, grinning. "He might be a tight ass but really, if you think about it, that's a good–"

"OH MY GOD, NEVER AGAIN!" Inuyasha screamed, covering his ears. "STOP TALKING. I ORDER YOU TO STOP."

Naraku continued to grin wickedly but stopped all the same, winking at Jakotsu. The other man giggled back.

Inuyasha was done for. It took several long moments before he felt safe to pry his hands away from his ears, but when he did and neither of the other two spoke, the half-demon dared to continue. "So, is there a reason we're just standing here?"

"Oh honey, I thought you were smart," Jakotsu said, patting him kindly on the shoulder. "Of course there is. We're getting a ride from Ry-Ry."

"What?" Inuyasha yelled, whirling around to face Naraku. The fortune teller smartly had let go of him by this point, trying to look sheepish and innocent with big eyes and blue sparkly eye shadow. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"Oh, no." Naraku shrugged somewhat helplessly. "He flies, which is a hell of a lot faster. I thought you'd like the opportunity to see Kagome as soon as you possibly could but the lights went out and you couldn't see her gorgeous face."

"So she _is_ okay," Inuyasha growled. Naraku and Jakotsu gave each other a significant look. It did nothing to tone down Inuyasha's growing wish to commit serious harm to them. "Care to explain?" he demanded, mostly through gritted teeth. There was only so much he could control.

"Not really," Naraku replied cheekily and then pointed towards the sky. "Oh look! Our ride is here!"

A loud, searing roar echoed through the skies. Inuyasha instantly remembered exactly why this was a bad idea because if it hadn't been for Ryukotsusei yelling at him and calling him out at the big Hell Day event, none of this would have happened. He would've finally been able to kiss Kagome and there wouldn't have been a trial with the fake God and fake Devil and he'd be happy, because Kagome would've stopped the trial and–

The ground shook as the massive dragon landed, wings stretching almost impossibly long before shuddering in. Golden scales shined from the dimming light and dark, dark eyes glared at the half-demon. For a moment, everyone held their breath.

"Ryukotsusei," Inuyasha said, proud that it was somewhat even. "Thank you for picking me up."

"Your Majesty," the dragon returned, inclining his head the slightest bit. "It is my pleasure. I request to continue as your Removal Captain to protect you from those who would choose to see you in pain."

Inuyasha thought about it for a moment before holding out his hand. "Just never call me 'Your Majesty' again and you've got a deal."

"Accepted," Ryukotsusei said, carefully lifting a large claw and putting the very point of it to the half-demon's palm.

"Oh thank god," Naraku let out suddenly, taking in deep breaths. "I seriously thought you were going to breathe fire and burn him until he was a shrivelled grape."

The dragon laughed, lifting his head as his wings outstretched. Wind gusted around them, so strong that it nearly knocked the three of them over. "Climb on and let us fly!" he roared, finally calming down enough to lower his body so they could get on.

Taking flight again wasn't as terrifying as Inuyasha imagined it would be. He would probably have been more scared if Ryukotsusei appeared to still be angry at him, but as it stood, all the half-demon did was hold on as the dragon's large wings started to beat. They were soaring through the air soon enough, the sky growing steadily darker as they made their way closer and closer to Inuyasha's house. Or his mansion. Or whatever it was that Miroku and Sango got for him.

"Oh look," Naraku said, pointing down towards the ground. "Fire! Miroku and Sango must be there."

Not even on the ground yet and Inuyasha feared for his life where those two were involved. "Do we have to land?" His question remained unanswered however, as the dragon slowly started to descend. It took barely any time at all and soon Inuyasha was sliding down the dragon's leg, getting closer and closer to the insanity of it all.

He didn't even have a second to take a look at his mansion – so unfamiliar since he didn't exactly get to live in it long before the whole Hell freezing over thing – before two crazy people jumped him. It came as a hard slap on the shoulder, and when the half-demon turned around, Miroku and Sango were bowing awkwardly.

"Your Highness," Miroku stated, faking some sort of wretched accent and looking far too amused. "Welcome back to your humble abode."

"It's hardly humble," Inuyasha replied. "And please, stand up. For fuck's sake, why are you bowing?"

"You're the Ruler of Hell," Sango said, as if it was obvious. Her big magenta eyes blinked far too innocently. "Rulers get bowed to."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. There was simply no winning.

"Have a little fun!" Miroku wheedled, nudging himself back into Inuyasha's personal space uninvited. "Tonight there will be a celebration in your honour and we'll become drunk as skunks and the afterlife will be fine again."

A celebration? What kind of celebration? "Yeah, no." He was more interested in finding a certain someone anyways. "I'm not going to any kind of celebration. You'll have to drag me kicking and screaming, and even if you win that, I'll just smirk at you." The half-demon smirked for good measure. "See?"

Miroku went to open his mouth again, finger pointed and raised to announce something, but he was thankfully distracted by Sango poking him in the ribs. The black-haired man looked at her, and when Sango merely shifted her gaze to the side, Inuyasha's curiosity got the best of him.

Realistically, it was for the best anyways.

Kagome was at the far entrance of the property, her back nearly touching the electrified fence and her right foot stepping on the only green patch of grass there was. He couldn't see her expression from so far away, but frankly he didn't care.

Without thinking he took two steps towards her and Kagome instantly matched it, heading in his direction. He kept walking, and so did she, moving and moving until they weren't walking anymore but running.

("_Oh my god!_" Naraku squealed from not too far away. "This is _so_ romantic!"

"It's only romantic if they have sex within 5 seconds of contact," Miroku pointed out.

Both Jakotsu and Naraku stared at him horrified, while Sango merely nodded sagely.)

The moment he knew they would be right up in each other's space, the half-demon slowed, reaching out and grabbing the sleeve of her blouse. Kagome looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "You, my friend, are very lucky."

"I was stabbed," Inuyasha stated. "And then decapitated."

She nodded, brown eyes looking amused. "Well, you're permanently in Hell now so you'll have to get used to it."

("Not romantic," Miroku sighed.

Naraku was currently fumbling for a tissue. This was better than a chick-flick.)

Inuyasha smirked and chose to let the silence go on. Kagome sighed dramatically, clearly knowing what he wanted from her. "Well, I can't say that it's been a pleasure–"

The sentence couldn't be finished, not with the way he pressed his lips against hers, grabbing her hips and pulling her tight to him.

(Gross sobbing ensued from somewhere behind them.)

It was like fire was running down his veins. This was him, finally able to kiss Kagome after all this time. His hands brushed through her hair, holding the back of her neck and keeping her right with him. He finally had this, _at last_, and he wasn't going to let it go so quickly. It helped that Kagome didn't seem too keen on the idea either, her lips dancing in time with his as the sky erupted in colours so bright he could see them behind closed eye lids.

Inuyasha pulled back, blinking and then looking pitifully at the sky. It truly was on fire.

What the actual fuck.

"You've got to be _shitting_ me," Inuyasha cursed, only then processing the loud cheers behind him. The half-demon whipped around to see Miroku, holding some kind of metal contraption that was smoking out of one end. "What did you do?" Inuyasha yelled, eyes going to the sky again to see the flames dying off slightly.

"Celebrating!" Sango cheered. Ryukotsusei roared in laughter, his flapping wings blowing the smoke until it was gone. "And this is just the beginning."

Kagome laughed. "Wait for it."

"Wait for– No, I will not– Miroku, what did you do?" Inuyasha shouted. All he wanted to do, dammit, was make out with Kagome and then maybe take things upstairs. That's it. That's all he wanted to do upon his return.

"Welcome Ruler of Hell!" Naraku cheered, throwing glitter into the air that he got from only the Devil knew where. "And the countdown begins: three…two…"

Inuyasha's golden eyes went wide.

"One!"

An earthquake shook the ground, a volcano erupted somewhere, or _something_, but Inuyasha was about to go fucking postal. He stumbled around to get his bearings, watching as the ground around his fenced property exploded and fire leapt from the earth. Chunks of rock and dirt and gravel littered the skies.

And then, it got worse.

All around him fire came. It was like everyone in Hell had whatever contraption Miroku did, and the skies became nothing more than a blanket of endless orange flame. There was an undying echo of what sounded like bombs exploding – and really, that's what they probably were – though it was nearly outmatched by Ryukotsusei's sudden and loud roar. The dragon launched himself into the sky, spinning and spinning in an upwards spiral and then he was spewing fire out of his own mouth.

As if Hell couldn't get any hotter, for fuck's sake. Did anyone think of that?

"What did you _do_?" Inuyasha screamed, flailing as he got closer to the crazy couple. "Sango, please tell me you didn't help him with all of this!" When Sango just batted her long eyelashes at him, the silver-haired man turned to Naraku. "And don't tell me you were in on it as well!"

Naraku gave a tiny wave. "Yay, you have a mote now for your castle." He paused and then tried again with more cheer, this time pointing to the massive holes around the fence of his yard. "A _mote_, like for a _castle_! Yay…"

There was nothing left to do but smack his forehead, horrified.

"It's a good thing," Kagome said suddenly, nudging him. "This is Hell celebrating having a ruler, even though none of them have any clue what that means."

"_I_ don't even know what that means." Inuyasha growled, "But apparently it means I get to have a mote."

Naraku clapped. "That's my babycakes, always looking on the bright side! Now, as this celebration is just getting started, why don't we all make our way to the house and start the drinking ourselves into oblivion, yes?"

"Yes, please," Jakotsu murmured, spreading his arms as if in desperate thanks before grabbing Naraku's hand and tugging. In turn, the fortune teller grabbed Inuyasha's hand and winked.

"If I'm going," Inuyasha started, grabbing Kagome's sleeve again and pulling her too, "you are definitely coming with me."

Kagome let out of huff of laughter. "As if I would go anywhere else."

Miroku and Sango were in step with the trailing line of them far too quickly. "You can't forget us, of course," Miroku said, grinning wildly. "We did get this party _started_ after all."

With the sky on fire, the ground still shaking, and Ryukotsusei flying high in the skies to protect them, drinks were poured around and around. Kagome was leaning into his side, yelling at him in equal measure while her eyes showed a strange mix of fond exasperation. Naraku giggled too much and Jakotsu grabbed more ass than should be allowed in one night. Miroku and Sango were tame compared to their earlier antics, but the night was young and the basement play room was still up for grabs if they wanted to.

Hell, Inuyasha thought suddenly, certainly wasn't so bad after all.

"So, babycakes," Naraku said suddenly, stealing everyone's attention in the room. "What is your first act as Ruler of Hell?"

With everything before him – all of his friends and strange relationships and crazy afterlife now set – Inuyasha did the only thing he could do.

He smirked. Hell would never be the same again.

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><p><strong>The End<strong>

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><p><strong>Thank you everyone for enjoying this crack!fic extraordinaire. Again, I apologize for how long it took to finish it, although I certainly couldn't leave it that way. I am now considered "back" and will be updating somewhat frequently. <strong>

**All my love,**

**Witchy**


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